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#479448 - 03/20/15 01:30 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
Rich1967 Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 345
Loc: PA
That is a fascinating article to say the least. I think I figured out a lot of that stuff for me on my own. It's nice to see this as validation and to use it like a magnifying glass to look at it all again. I am planning a talk to a group of ministers in my church this June and the physical arousal around other men that I can have was one of the main reasons it was suggested that I speak to them - they hadn't really been exposed to it as a group before. I am definitely going to reference this article.

In a nutshell... I never had a father figure in my life and not too many friends before my abuse. My one best friend was a girl named Rhonda and then second best was Shawn but never really did anything with just him. Right before the abuse I so wanted/needed to be loved and accepted by male figures in my life - we are pack animals and I was not part of the pack. The abuse sexualized all my desires to have men in my life that I felt close to. From my 20s till this day feeling close to another guy could cause some type of sexual response - partial erection to producing enough precum to show through my pants. Horribly embarrassing even to this day. To solve this problem I avoided any types of connections with other men from my 20s till about three years ago. I can work with men and interact with them but I would not think of them as friends or let myself feel close to any of them.

In the last three years I have done anything but avoid men. Me and my best friend even took turns holding each other in our arms. I have what I consider, and it feels like, healthy relationships with men in my life for the first time. Does feeling close to another guy still cause the same sexual reactions? Sometimes, but not all the time and not as much. It has gotten better but it took me repeatedly confronting my fears over it for that to happen. Being held had the very awesome feeling of being truly accepted and loved so yeah that caused a sexual response but it was nice to know I wasn't being judged by that at the time so I could finally accept what was being offered.

I am going to keep working at it but will it ever go away... my T says probably no. Do I care... at this point some but not a lot. I'd accept any guy with that problem and I know I'm not the only one and knowing that makes me feel better.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#479449 - 03/20/15 01:31 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: wiresguy1]
Austin54 Offline


Registered: 03/14/15
Posts: 11
Loc: New Zealand
Hi Wiseguy, sorry for your struggle, similar to my own. WOW you are open about this with your wife- I don't have the guts to tell my wife- how did you tell her?

I have gone to very dark places with the internet, including mutual masturbation sessions via Skype with online contacts and that sort of thing- obsessed with ejaculating cocks and mature hairy bears- I can spend the entire night trolling, which hurts my production and work and family life, but once I get around to masturbating and ejaculating the desire goes away instantly and the self loathing begins again and I realize that I could have gotten a good night's sleep if I only had just relieved myself as soon as I found myself out of control.

So I have finally realized that when I am very horny it is very dangerous...like my mind is controlled by my balls and penis. I am attracted to all sorts of inappropriate unhealthy things when horny. I also want to eat my own jizz and crave sucking a nice cock, but as soon as I cum I am instantly repulsed, and I feel lost and disgusted and unfaithful. By now I should really be able to recognize when I am in danger and just stay off the internet and rub that temptation out, and often I can and it really works for me!

When I was younger and single I masturbated daily, and when I married I tried to stop, but if we did not have sex for three days, then I would just have to get relief, and it was a lot better than being controlled by my cock. Wifey would help me relieve myself sometimes when she was not in the mood- and that was loving of her (we had 4 kids). Now I am 60 and I found that it was taking longer to come to climax both with wifey and solo, and wifey also takes longer to climax. It is frustrating being horny and not being able to release without taking an hour, or I would lose steam and could not keep it up- a gummy worm cock does not work so well! About a month ago I got the courage to get some Cialis and Viagra to try and it is GREAT! Wifey really likes it too! I produce more lubrication and it takes less time to ejaculate as well. With less stimulation needed now both with wife and solo, I have surprisingly found that I am now a lot more free of the internet porn- I don't need it as a stimulus because I am already well stimulated!

But I will soon be in grave danger as I travel for a couple of months for work and will have the laptop and all that associated temptation, so I plan on taking the Cialis every three days and putting myself on a schedule of relieving myself as soon as I hit the bed (without any internet). Without my knowing my own weakness and actively doing something about it, I know I will be swept away again. If I let it build up, I might also be so weak that if an opportunity were to arise I might not be able to say NO!
_________________________
Abused by my father, I chose family and faith over a gay life. Married for 35 years and great sex at home, I am the head of a clan but still attracted to older hairy men. The family needs me to be strong and supportive, but inside I am a 7-yr old abused child craving his father's love.

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#479458 - 03/20/15 03:31 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
Nothing Man Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/10/14
Posts: 412
Loc: Ohio
KMC, that was an interesting article you posted and is leading me to doing a lot of introspection. Thanks!

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#479491 - 03/21/15 08:48 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 180
The article helped to clarify some things for me. My Dad and you know our story would disappear into another world, one he did not remember or know. When he was hospitalized he found a fabulous doctor, ahead of his time in understanding abuse. He told Dad's wife that Dad had markings (and I guess they call them imprints today) in parts of his brain that the abuser left him with. The doctor said Dad was able to build a wall betweem him and the part that was abused. Dad some how fought to keep these two parts separate. I guess he did a great job until he started to fall apart, the battles were getting to him. All of a sudden he started to become weird and forgetful. He told us he did not remember where he was, of course Mama basically told him he was full of s**t. Well the doctor said that part he fought to keep away from him started to be in charge. That part is where it seems Dad buried his SSA because it was not anywhere else. Dad's wife said no signs when he was here and after he received counseling there were never any SSA episodes. The doctor also told us, that part of Dad, the part of the other side of the wall, was able to take over because emotionally his family (me, my brother and sister and Mama) were abandoning him emotionally and emotionally and physically abusing him (yes throwing oatmeal and other things at him, locking him out of the house were all abuse).

It seems when this part of him became him and Dad went to some unkonwn place, the SSA feelings would dominate this part of him. The doctor said the abuse left these marks in his mind and Dad put it into a box in his mind. I now understand when the article said the ""want to" the child may have is for connection, attention or love...." My Dad's wife said this part who escaped wanted love and with Dad being void of love because of us, this part would seek out what it thought was love and get the attention it so needed. When Dad returned and that part was not in charge, SSA was not an issue for Dad and sadly or maybe fortunate he never knew what happened when that part was in charge. The article helped me to understand how CSA warps the mind. I never had any feelings of SSA and the thought of being reabused repulses me. I do understand the markings or imprints on our mind will be different for each of us. I wonder if Dad did not dissociate would he have been in control of his SSA or because as the doctor told Dad's wife, it was the wall between the two that kept the SSA from Dad but it was part of him.

Thank you for the article it was helpful and I now realize Dad was a strong person who fought to keep the abuse out of his life, but in the end his dear emotionally challenged family pushed him to breakdown the wall he so well constructed and now a part of him that he did not want was there in his life.

I am sorry for anyone who suffers from SSA because for some it is not their orientation but rather their orientation has been distorted by the abuse. And for those of you who are gay, that is your orientation and be proud of who you are. Those caught in the distortion of their orientation because of the abuse life must be difficult. I am sorry you suffer this way.

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#479597 - 03/23/15 12:02 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1952
I am glad to see there is more being written about the effects of trauma and/or CSA. It helps people understand their confusion. I do believe the CSA does leave an imprint. It is interesting to read the imprint can condition to have a want but does not change our innate orientation. Unfortunately this want seems to leave many confused as to their orientation. Understanding the conditioning the abuse left one with at least gives insight. Then one must somehow determine their own orientation without regard to the imprint. I believe some are able to recondition their thought processes to remove or rewire the imprint while others struggle a lifetime.

It is interesting how we all are conditioned differently, some more outward about the wants, others fighting the want, others acting out consciously and subconsciously. Throwing in dissociation and fugues and acts during these times only makes me realize the mind is so complex and every time I read something I have to step back and try to understand it. Hopefully talking about the wants helps survivors to find a way to live with it or rewire their thought processes, remove their confusion as to orientation vs want and to find happiness and peace living in their true orientation.

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#479611 - 03/23/15 03:34 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
Nothing Man Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/10/14
Posts: 412
Loc: Ohio
It is worth interjecting here, however, that SSA in itself is neither wrong nor harmful nor evil or sinful or anything else. It just is what it is, and some folks experience it more than others regardless of its origin.

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#479616 - 03/23/15 04:04 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 900
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Everyone,

I had a dream the other night that, upon reflection, represents me as an infant/young child killing my internalized mother--energy that I have often described as running and ruining my life. What is so interesting to me is that while this character, in various forms, has always been indestructible, this time when I killed her she stayed dead. For many decades she has always immediately reformed in spite of what type of force I used in my dreams.

Over the couple of days after the dream, I have come to understand that while identifying as gay for the past 45 years, it is just as likely that I am straight or bi as it is that I am gay. The sexual abuse and torture from my mother imprinted a traumatic revulsion to the idea of anything sexual with women. And, unfortunately, choking on my father's semen sometime prior to age 3 1/2 while he was beating me and telling me I was bad, imprinted an unconscious nausea and gagging reflex any time I smelled semen. So, I was really screwed all the way around.

After I came to the conclusion that it is just as likely that I'm straight or bi as it is that I am gay, I have felt an overall relaxation settle on me. Now, nothing has changed regarding dependency issues, fear issues, safety issues, stranger anxiety,etc. My fundamental issues will play out regardless of sexual preference. But, coming to recognize that all of my sexual energy for men has been compulsive and completely out of my control, while all of my revulsion to women has been totally as a result of my experiences with my mother from infancy on, is creating a clean space inside myself to consider who I actually am.

I don't care whether I am gay or bi or straight. It makes no difference to me whatsoever. I do care that I am comfortable in my own skin. There is still much work to do in continuing to clear on the imprinted fears from my mother and father. But, it feels really honest and good to be approaching this from the perspective that my relationships with my mother and father are not worthwhile gender experiences for me to make judgments about whether I'm comfortable with men or women or both in terms of intimate relationships.

While this is only a couple of days old, it feels like it is freeing up a ton of old energy that is now available in support of me finding more of who I truly am.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#479696 - 03/24/15 06:01 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: don64]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 162
Loc: USA
Hay Don,

what an awasume out come to take back power in this way. I hope you find that real comfort in your own skin. I am looking for that as well.

For me sexual orentation, sexual prefrence, how I see myself as a sexual being, who and what I am attracted to are different at different times for different reasons. I am trying to live with the differences in my self as a way to be comfortable in my own skin.

It seams to me that the next step in true fredom is to become renewed as often as I can
and reject the confines of the terminology and stereotypes . Or the illusion that I have arrived.

Things that help me today may someday need to be left behind if only so I may become a better version of who I am or who I am to be.

Thanks for sharing Don!


Edited by SmartShadow (03/24/15 06:03 PM)

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#479723 - 03/24/15 10:31 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 900
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi SmartShadow,

Thanks for the encouragement. I do know my true nature does not reside in labels, so it is interesting for me to observe how this develops. I know it involves freedom, and I know the key is to continue the work I'm doing. I just don't know what that freedom looks like. Your post is inspirational for me.

Thanks,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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