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#454762 - 11/22/13 08:41 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
I want to add I've been posting on here for a number of years and SSA has been a huge issue for me. I want others to know that it is possible to move past them. I am. And my true sexual nature beneath the SSA is coming to the forefront of my life.

When I have SSA, which are now relatively mild, I see the feeling as an echo or reverberation from the past and from my dysfunctional childhood and illusory. I've done a lot of work on exploring what SSA means for me through reading, therapy, on this board, on another board with guys who share similar views on SSA and it is truly working. I'm getting healthier in all areas of my life and my sexuality is just one more area.

That's for today and today only. I don't know what the future holds for me but I have been relieved (generally) of unwanted attractions that felt dysfunctional and never filling the real underlying needs. And if I have them, I don't get angry at myself for them. I understand them and move on.

I've been doing self-work for a long time now that I don't know what the next layer might contain so I don't hold on too tightly to what I learn or feel today. I try to remain open. I added this last paragraph in order to stress that SSA, for me, has been very specific in a way that made no sense. I was attracted to members of my own gender that varied from my day to day life. It was very obvious that who (the type of guy) I felt a electric attraction/connection to was a disconnect from my regular life that it couldn't be anything other than a problem. I knew it wasn't shame about that being my actual attraction and society not allowing it. I knew it was a glitch in my personal eco-system and needed to be cleared up. It is being cleared up.

Want to tell guys who have similar SSA, in whatever form, there is hope.
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#454894 - 11/23/13 04:12 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
Hopeful1 Offline


Registered: 07/22/09
Posts: 18
Loc: Pacific Northwest
I have found a few antidotes to SSA. I find that one of the best is giving myself permission to feel it. When I do that, they sometimes just vanish away. The nice thing about this one is it is relatively easy to accomplish. You tell yourself it's ok to have these feelings, that you don't have to act on them if you don't want to and what does it really matter if you have them or not? Accepting homosexuals in general can help you do this.

Another antidote is feeling like I am normal and good. That one can be harder to accomplish, depending on what's going on in my life.

A third is feeling loved. That one is not entirely under my control, though.

Over the years, as I have paid attention to the various things that trigger SSA feelings, I have decided that my adolescent experiences created a strong association between feelings that would otherwise be unrelated, feelings like fear, disgust, arousal, guilt and shame, all of which I associated with homosexuality.

Also, during my childhood and adolescent experiences, I felt accepted during sex, so when I feel rejected by the world I have sometimes turned to images of naked men to create a feeling of being accepted. It's not particularly helpful or healthy, but that is what is sometimes going on inside of me.
_________________________
Now hope that is seen is not hope, For who hopes for what he sees? (Rom. 8:24)

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#454896 - 11/23/13 04:47 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
SSA is another one of my many problems. In not gay and not attracted to men but when it comes to sex I have a lot of fantasies about men and I watch gay and bi porn. It's always a sexual thing. I have felt this for as long as i can remember Very rarely do I look at a guy and say to myself I could do him. I don't understand it. it doesn't bother me and I just go with it. I know it is part of me that came from my abuse. It's the least of things I have to worry about. I also think in time solving my other issues this one will fade. I guess what I'm thinking is dont stress out too much about it and not to focus on it too much.

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#471587 - 10/23/14 12:05 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
james 1959 Offline


Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 287
On the 17/2/2010 from a tortured and suffering mind and a broken hearted man i asked the question Does SSA ever go away ?


4 Years and 9 moths later i can answer that question now for my self as a survivor of CSA .

With lots of love care understanding and support from family friends and support groups it has completely gone from my thoughts and feelings in daily life but i have to add its a very stressful and painful journey to go on in recovery from CSA

i hope this message gives all who suffer from csa and ssa some comfort and hope in their painful journey they are on at present time

James




Edited by james 1959 (10/23/14 12:06 PM)
_________________________
We are brothers on a journey,and companions on the road
We are here to help each other share the burden and the Load

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#471621 - 10/24/14 01:45 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
wiresguy1 Offline


Registered: 07/21/14
Posts: 9
Loc: CT
Having been diagnosed with PSTD and 9 months into dealing with the 17 years of sexual abuse, I find myself in a very dark place today having the need to access male porn over the past couple of weeks. Over my adult life, the way of dealing was the typical disgusting things of misplaced anger, occasional hookups, etc while maintaining a marriage, family and successful career. Now at 57 I am going to therapy twice a week, open with my wife about everything and retired from the stresses of my job. What makes me feel so lost now is that I was driven to go to these sites, of which brought me no enjoyment, just disgust in myself. I need to know is this all a part of what the road to recovery required?

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#471638 - 10/24/14 07:46 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 815
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Wiresguy1,

Congratulations on getting to a place where you can begin to uncover your abuse, and begin to release it and make sense of the consequences of it.

The only answer that makes sense to me in your question "...is this all a part of what the road to recovery required?" is, it's part of what YOUR road to recovery requires. Your one of a kind, and only you can figure out what you need. I hope you can learn to not beat yourself up as you walk this challenging road.

Sending you love and support,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#471711 - 10/26/14 08:41 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
pete1973 Offline


Registered: 01/02/14
Posts: 43
Loc: Ontario, Canada
I have been in counseling and therapy now for over a year and a half, first abuse was at 11 and second at 18 followed by a suicide attempt and have alwys found since I hit puberty I had ssa and a huge penis fixation. My first abuse was allowing the guy to give me oral while he masturbated and I mainly stared out a window, I hadn't hit puberty and did not get an erection or ejaculate but he did, I noticed a couple of times but had no interest or curiosity. I reported it and he killed himself a week later.
The second time a potential employer lured me into his house and manipulated me into massaging him, letting him gring his ass into my crotch and taking his clothes off and I had contemplated letting him use me as he wanted feeling that this was the only sexual action I would ever get, I was still a virgin, and I let myself feel low enough that this was all I was good for but eventually I freaked out and did not want ANYONE to ever know what he was doing and what I was willing to let go to become his victim and I freaked out and ran. He threatened me, using the job as leverage and that it would get out but I didn't care and tried to kill myself, I failed as I am still here but glad I did.
All that being said, none of my ssa has anything to do with these men. Yes I have fallen into revictimizing myself before getting into counseling and therapy and finally talking about the second incident after hiding it from the world for nearly 29 years but the true, honest, good sexual attractions I have towards men, and women for that matter, have nothing to do with the abuse and I know for certain that I would have had some attraction to men, mainly a penis fixation and giving oral, regardless if I was abused or not. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to men and/or women but do yourself a favour and take a long, hard look at it and openly discuss it with a counselor or therapist before you decide if you think you are straight, gay or bisexual or even just bicurious and don't be so quick to write off your feelings as a result of the abuse. And also, really discuss any feelings about the abuse, my problem was I fell into feeling like I was a bad victim because I didn't get an erection and ejaculate and I let and actually pushed some men, dirty men who where into just about any kind of sexual stuff, to use me and tell me to do things to them and treat me like dirt. I finally opened my eyes to it when one of these men asked me to fix his pc and found child porn on there, it made me so sick and what was worse was that I gave the pc to the police along with a written and verbal statement which really tested my wits and made me so sick and the crown didn't feel he had a strong enough case because all of the images were sent during video sessions, ones which I explained were common for him where he would masturbate with other men on cam and most likely verbally asked for them but they wanted a text statement of him asking so they just wiped out his pc. Sickens me that our justice system wants an easy bust and they didn't even follow the ip address where it came from.
But anyway, this really made me open my eyes to what I liked and what the abuse did to me mentally and the abuse had nothing to do with my innocent attraction to men, mainly giving oral and being a bottom, I feel just as good as when I have sex with my wife of almost 19 years and she is open to me exploring as long as we both agree that it is a natural attraction and not a revictimization.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with a survivor being straight, gay, bisexual or bicurious or just admiring looking at naked men in porno, it is called being a sexual human being, something I denied myself for a long time until I understood it.

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