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#480845 - 04/16/15 06:28 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: CafeMan]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 154
Loc: Chicago
I was abused for seven months by my (ex) brother in law. During that time, my grade school had our first co-ed formal dance. All of us boys and girls were excited. The girls were planning their dresses; the boys were buying our new suits; and we all were practicing the latest Michael Jackson and Prince moves for the dance floor.

My buddies and I were asking the girls out to the dance. I asked Dawn. I knew she had a crush on me. She was more developed than the other girls and carried herself more as a teenager instead of a preteen.

I remember picking her up from her house and seeing her beautiful white and pink dress that her mother made. I felt I was the luckiest boy there. We all got together at the dance and had a great time. My buddies and I were high five-ing each other; the girls were all giggling and complimenting each dress. We all got along. We all danced as a group, danced separately and slow danced. Dawn pulled me in close and we danced cheek to cheek. It didn't get better than this. Despite the current issues that were facing me, I felt like a normal, regular boy!

It was time to say goodnight. Each parent went to pick up each child. My date left before I did. We sneaked a kiss before the chaperones caught wind of it. It was my turn to get picked up and go home.

I was expecting either my father or one of my older brothers to collect me. Instead, it was HIM: my (ex) brother in law, my abuser, my violator, my negative reinforcer. My awesome night of feeling like the "All American Kid" was now turning me more like a poster child for an abuse hotline. The family went to a movie. He was "kind" enough to stay behind and pick me up. I asked to go home, but he said they were all meeting at my sister's condo just a few blocks from the school. My family were not to be expected for more than another hour.

TRIGGER WARNING: The three block car ride was the longest ride of my life. I just put my head down. I knew what was coming. He made small talk with me and asked how my evening went. I replied with short answers. At this point, all the excitement I had previously felt had disappeared. I just became very quiet and withdrawn. We got out of the car, walked through the courtyard while he had his hand on my back as if guiding me. I remember going upstairs and finally entering the condo where he double locked the door, so that he would have warning when my sister was arriving. We made small talk, he started to abuse me, I struggled and I prayed for the damn hour to go by fast ...

The point of the story is that there are several memories that I had during my seven months of hell. This was one of the more symbolic moments where I believe evil tried to overtake some goodness. I used the word negative reinforcer earlier because that is what he was. As we all know, sexual development can be awkward and challenging for non abused boys. However, when you add the issues of CSA and the constant reinforcement of a man touching you during puberty, it does increase your chances of experiencing same sex attraction or sexual exploration. I don't want to focus on nomenclature, but this horrible incident was never a light switch to activate innate homosexual tendencies prior to my abuse. If one is gay, that's fine. I applaud anyone to live their life and pursue what they feel within themselves. However, these incidents have distorted several men, including myself, to reevaluate our sexual development, to have severe doubts and to have major remorse. This is a learning process, I have come to terms with some things and I have ways to go--like we all do, both gay and straight.

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#480866 - Yesterday at 04:57 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 416
Loc: west coast
The simple and true answer is NO.

Is it an appreciation of a beautiful body whether female or male? Its not what it has come to mean on this site. Tainted mainly by religious origins(it is not a recognized psychological term) with the archaic concepts of sin, guilt and shame straight from the bronze age, it has come to mean the desire to have sex with another man. Not just an attraction, but an actual inherent desire to be sexual with that person.

The reason or basis for the desire is completely irrelevant. If you are genuinely sexually attracted to and enjoy sex with the opposite sex, then also having SSA is just a part of your sexual palate. If you are a man who has an overwhelming desire to be with a man, yet letting situation or society dictate that you should be with a woman, then you are living a lifestyle that is not congruent to your true self.

What you do with it is completely up to you. Fretting about the reasons, or fighting your inner most desire is a waste of time and a sad waste of life.
" you made your bed, so you should lie in it"
"its not what I want"
'Its not me"
"I don't want to live that lifestyle"
"I wouldn't feel like this if it wasn't for CSA'

All these are specious and destructive defensive postures of non self acceptance. A bi guy loves his wife or gf and just happens to also enjoy having sex with men. He is not living a lifestyle, he is just being. Happy ending on many levels.

But a man who is in or seeks a relationship with a woman not because of his true desire but of societal , religious or self homophobia IS living a lifestyle. Its not really him. And that will always end in an unfulfilled life with sadness, regret and tragic unnecessary loneliness.

So it doesn't matter if the feelings never go away, because of course they won't, it only matters what they mean to you. And the only way that can be understood is when we are unafraid to truly live a live that marries our inner desires and wants with someone who can truly meet those needs, regardless of what sex they are. Hand ringing and navel gazing get us nowhere. We are here, we are now, living exists only in the present.

“If someone is able to show me that what I think or do is not right, I will happily change, for I seek the truth, by which no one was ever truly harmed. It is the person who continues in his self-deception and ignorance who is harmed.”

Marcus Aurelius 160 AD


Edited by 1lifenow (Yesterday at 05:02 AM)
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#480877 - Yesterday at 09:44 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 154
Loc: Chicago
I was denied so much by my abuser. While I sincerely appreciate your input, I will not let you DENY what I am feeling or how I may express it or how I should handle it.

I applaud your decision to find a solution to your previous agony. I am pleased that you believe that you are happy. I choose a different path for happiness, as do so many other men. For me, religion and family are major factors in my life. However, as much as I love God and family, I want and will achieve a heterosexual foundation. That foundation is not because I "wish" it to be there due to some of the reasons that were pointed out in the above post. I know it is simply there as part of my inner being. It's about rectifying what is not right in our lives. You believe to have rectified it by coming out and just being (again, that's great for YOU). I try to rectify it a different way. In the end, it's about choices and we should all support the choices we make, regardless if we agree or not.

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#480880 - Yesterday at 11:28 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: CafeMan]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 114
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Originally Posted By: CafeMan
As we all know, sexual development can be awkward and challenging for non abused boys. However, when you add the issues of CSA and the constant reinforcement of a man touching you during puberty, it does increase your chances of experiencing same sex attraction or sexual exploration. I don't want to focus on nomenclature, but this horrible incident was never a light switch to activate innate homosexual tendencies prior to my abuse. If one is gay, that's fine. I applaud anyone to live their life and pursue what they feel within themselves. However, these incidents have distorted several men, including myself, to reevaluate our sexual development, to have severe doubts and to have major remorse. This is a learning process, I have come to terms with some things and I have ways to go--like we all do, both gay and straight.


So well said!
_________________________
Jay

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#480882 - Yesterday at 11:50 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: 1lifenow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 170
Loc: USA
!!!Trigger Warning!!!

1lifenow, It sounds like you have found the truth and the path that makes sense for you and maybe for others here as well. And I am glad you have found a way to find freedom and love.

With all do respect, I wonder if you could be transferring your ability to embrace a gay life style and find true happiness as the only true path for ssa.

For sake of argument let's say your path and destination is the only true path for some one who has ssa.

I still feel like you are saying to me that my struggle is foolish that where I am in my journey, if I have ssa, must lead to your same destination. I think you maybe oversimplifying this as it applies to me and by extension, possibly others as well.

I wish I lived in a world of no cost. Where there was no cost to try something new or follow the desire of my hart. A world where my choices and actions left me unscathed. A world where what I do would have no impact on others.

I have not found that to be the case and have given up all hope for that world.

I have a lot of damage and distortion from csa. If I followed my hart I would be dead 1000 times over.

I learned that the only way to be loved and valued by a man was to be avalable for sex.
I learn that if you give them what they want they will not hurt you and may like you. I learn they all hate me. I learnd to hate them. I learned to hate myself. I learned to wish I was dead. I learned to stop wishing.

Some of my ssa is conected for a need to be loved and valued. Some of it is conected to a need to be abused, discarded and extinguished. If I think about being loved and cared for by a man the sexual desiors fade away and turn to a need to be safe and secure in that non sexual protection. My perp used that need and a lot of others to manipulate and control until l believed I hade no choise but respond as his puppet.

I don't think our paths are the same. I wish they were it sounds like you have a good life that you wish others could have as well. Thanks for that!

My formula for surivial and happiness would probably not work for anyone here. And that's got to be ok if I am ever going to learn to relate to others who are difrent that I am.
In hopes that someone might be able to accept me and my uniqueness.

I live with a complexed reality that is far from integrated. SSA is one of those complexitys. Yet as I heal and address each aspects of myself with love and acceptance I have found more and more resolution.

Freedom from ssa, I think we are in agreement on this, is not the point. Resolving the conflict is the real freedom. How we do this, I think, will likely look a bit difrent for each of us.

Peace

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#480886 - Yesterday at 01:22 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: SmartShadow]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1987
Originally Posted By: SmartShadow
!!!Trigger Warning!!!


Some of my ssa is conected for a need to be loved and valued. Some of it is conected to a need to be abused, discarded and extinguished. If I think about being loved and cared for by a man the sexual desiors fade away and turn to a need to be safe and secure in that non sexual protection. My perp used that need and a lot of others to manipulate and control until l believed I hade no choise but respond as his puppet.




I believe these points need to be examined. The abuser does leave us with an imprint, how impactful it is to one will be different to someone else. Many here talk about this struggle. The struggle requires a rewiring of the impulses of the abuse and not any attempt to rewire ones true orientation. Orientation cannot be changed but the imprint of the abuse can be changed. The message left by the abuse is complex from creating the need to be loved to having the need to relive the abuse. In the end the message is not valid because one does not derive love from abuse and reliving the abuse does not remove the damage done by the abuser. For some reason the brains of many victims become wired to believe this falsity as truth. Only on healing do we learn it was our guilt and shame that allowed us to believe these feelings.

In the end, I think all anyone is looking for is peace to live their lives as who they truly are and not to be haunted by the abuse and the feelings we hold from the abuse. Who we are has many innate characteristics that cannot be changed.

It has been an interesting thread to follow. I think the responses are more similar than dissimilar.

Kevin

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#480913 - Yesterday at 08:48 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 936
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I have identified as gay for 46 years now, and am becoming open to the idea that that may not be all that is true for me. I'm fine with being gay, although becoming truly comfortable with being gay still requires work as social and cultural beliefs contain vibrations that are often unkind to me being gay. Feeling safe being gay is still an issue. HOWEVER, I have had a lifetime of difficulties that reflect the same discomfort I read from ssa posts, in that they are compulsions that, for me, have nothing to do with sexual attraction and are tied up in damage from my abuse. This type of attraction has always been dehumanizing for me and has never had anything to do with healthy loving. I'm grateful for this discussion, as it allows me to express myself in ways I've never been able to bring into focus before. And, this focus is allowing me to feel more integrated, to feel more whole.

Thanks,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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