Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings, very intense indeed and more indepth than some of our conversations.
I can relate to your thoughts and feelings. Everything changed the day that scumbag tricked me to come in the house and go into that room for a "tip" for being a good paperboy.
I lost all trust in everyone at that point, close family excluded, and was so embarrassed and ashamed that I was fooled into it and to this day I beat myself up knowing that my gut told me not to go up those stairs. I didn't want anyone to know what happened and at the time I thought of it as what a fool I was and I lost all interest in girls and my guy friends were kept at arm's length and few, the less people in my life the less I had to try to hide what happened. Then to make me more confused, after grade 8 I had 2 experiences with a couple of friends involving masturbating and receiving oral and knowing that they were cool with it I thought it was good and really enjoyed it and for a moment I thought maybe I could have a normal sex life after all but no word was spoken about what we did like it was a big, shameful secret and only made me more confused so I hid the best I could through high school and masturbated frequently whenever I felt sexually aroused to prevent me from showing any interest sexually in anyone.
My first sexual partner when I was 19 was a woman older than me that only wanted to have sex with me because she never had a virgin before so all I was to her was a piece of meat and a well endowed one at that which made her keep messing with my head for a couple of years on and off. I so wanted to be "normal" that being a guy having sex with a woman that I let her use me for ANYTHING she wanted and she cleaned out my bank account, ruined my name and credit and had me so stoned for so long I forgot names of people I went to school with. She even tricked me into smoking a joint laced with cocaine and thought it was hilarious that I froze up, my heart raced and I thought I was going to die.
So the abuse started at 11 but continued in different ways for years, even as an adult at work where I felt obligated to be taken advantage of by my supervisors and when I wasn't I thought I was doing something wrong.
Once I started therapy I learned to separate the effects of the abuse from my true personal feelings and I know I truly have an interest in the same sex, more of a penis fixation but it has nothing to do with the abuse. What I had to learn was to not let this attraction lead to victimization because I still believed I had to be used to be liked and would even try to get the guy to abuse me. This is no longer the case.
I am not gay, I could never see myself living with another man and although I am not ashamed of my sexuality I could never see me expressing my interests in public, I still rarely look at big breasted women directly no matter how much I want to look.
Another thing I am finding is that at 41 I am still afraid to touch anyone in a way that isn't sexual. I can look at sex as just that, but I am afraid of intimacy as I am very vulnerable when I show that side of me and I have been married almost 1 years and still have difficulties being intimate and scared shitless to tell her as the little kid trapped in me is afraid of being yelled at for being this way.
I find so much shame, embarrassment, anger and humiliation trapped in me that I know I could harness it all and hurt someone really bad, I don't want to but it is there and I had to quit work as I was ready to hurt my boss.
The one thing that I HATED about my abuse the most was the lack of control over my body. I hated, hated, hated that. I hated when the man pinned me down, and I hated that his physical touch led to an arousal. I was a very shy young boy but came from a very assertive family. Therefore, I knew what I liked and did not like. From day one, I did not want this abuse. It led to extreme shame and disgust.
I buried my sexuality after my abuse ended at 12. After all ... a MAN liked ME! Ewww, ewww, ewww!!! So I never talked about girls. I found them attractive. However, I believe I was conditioned about sexual development from a man--regardless if it is abuse or not. So I believe my viewpoints regarding sex was distorted.
The lack of control I exhibited led to extreme embarrassment. To this day, I still get very sad when I remember how I told my father about the abuse. From a man to man perspective (even though I was 12), it was the most disturbing thing I ever did. I had turned out the lights so I could hide in the darkness because I couldn't look at my father in the eye.
The point is that while I was at the peak of my sexual development, I suppressed a lot of mental development. My first sexual experiences were not natural. I wish I could say I fooled around with a girl behind the school building the way my brothers did. I wish I could say that I lost my virginity the way my brothers did. I buried it all and delayed my progress. At the same time ... I felt like a failure not living up to my father's or brothers' natural progression regarding dating. If a man or woman complimented me, I was polite but it made me feel uncomfortable. Remember ... the first time someone was into me like that was that MAN! I was even good at unconvincing people if they had crushes on me.
The last year I tackled this issue more directly. Who do I want to be in life. I realized that despite burying my feelings, I now viewed myself as a good guy. I have slipped or acted out. Whatever you want to call it. And it's a struggle. What have I concluded about myself:
1. I am not gay. I have pondered this question. Despite my confusion ... I don't consider myself gay or bi or bi curious. I firmly believe that I was marked and altered by these events. I remember having my crush on Sabrina on Charlie's Angels. I remember sneaking kisses with Vivienne before Kindergarten class started. All the little boys thought I was gross. All I looked at in front of me was this cute little girl in pigtails that I wanted to know more.
2. I recently had a discussion with a man. It led to more frank discussions. He declared that he wanted more from me with regards to a relationship. I was honest about my feelings and told him of my past. He is a very successful man, highly educated and very charismatic. He wanted to move to Chicago to be with me. I spent the evening contemplating his confession. Again, I had another man who was into me. This time, it was out of genuine attractions vs. illegal and highly immoral motivations. This man said all the right things to me. He wanted to be my protector. He wanted to love me. So I tried to picture us as a couple. I tried to imagine us going out for brunch, going away to a B&B for the weekend, spending the evening over a homemade dinner and talking, etc.
Bottom line, I couldn't do it. My religion prohibits that. My immediate family would disown me. Despite these two factors ... I just couldn't do it. Religion and family had nothing to do with my decision. In the end, that is not who I am.
Yes, I struggle with this. However, sometimes knowing what you don't want in life is just as important as knowing what you do want in life. I know I don't want a man in my life for this purpose. I realize I can be emotionally intimate on a platonic, brotherly level with men ... and that is fine. I don't look at porn. I don't make any advances with other male survivors. I had a man that I encountered from another site who wanted to have some fun. I discovered he was a male survivor. I told him no. He was upset, he was pouting like a little kid, etc. In the end, I told him I will NOT enable his issues.
I guess it's baby steps for all of us ...