No hope, I will never dream again without fear.
Hope. This is what you and I so desparately need. And lack. Life without hope is very, very empty feeling.
A therapist in my 20's (about 20 yrs ago) once asked me if I thought I had a future. I was baffled by the question, because I lived so in my rational thoughts I could only consider of course I had a future. Logically. But, emotionally, no I didn't feel I had a future, deserved a future. Emotionally I was dead, asleep or cut off. Without hope.
But Marinan, I know you can find hope and healing. Give it some time. Use the resources you have--they are so much better now.