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#9960 - 10/12/01 09:06 PM Feeling Sexual
tofeno Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/12/01
Posts: 18
Loc: Toronto, Canada
How do I stop punishing my self with porn? It makes me feel so empty. Like I am draning away my soul. Yet to not feel sexual is feel less of a men. Is that because when I was small I was taught that sex is bad and dirty. I only could have learned that... I am on the road and new to all of this but I don't even know how to feel sexual with my self.. how or what do I do??????

Out there......

_________________________
The search for love continues even in the face of great odds.

bell hooks

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#9961 - 10/13/01 09:19 PM Re: Feeling Sexual
Anonymous
Unregistered


tofeno,

You didn't say very much about your history or the details of your own sexual abuse. This information might provide more clues.

Most of us who have been sexually abused as youngsters have real problems with sexual identity and, not surprising, with our sexuality.

When you have the time, it would be my request that you go to the "Our Stories" section of this forum and post your story.

Anyway, welcome to this forum; hopefully, you will find some peace and healing among those of us who are walking the path alongside you.

Don


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#9962 - 10/14/01 07:12 AM Re: Feeling Sexual
abcd Offline
Member

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
Hey Tofeno!

Good to hear you're on board. As someone about your age, I can definitely empathize. It's a tough thing to be sure, and as dynamitedon said, indeed, everyone on this board has probably struggled with yours. I do not know the extent of your problem with porn and your guilt (whether its linked to a confusion in sexuality as well), but regardless, what helps me is to two approaches: 1) to think of the damage I am doing and 2) to try to remember what it is that I ultimately want.
The first approach is more academic perhaps. Ultimately, porn hurts not only you because it makes you dependent on it for the source of pleasure but also those who take profit for it (believe it or not). For you, it's like an addiction to alcohol or drug. Its very powerful hook is something that can affect so many aspects of your life--slowly you may see yourself devoting more time to it and less on those things that you know are important (be it family, work, religion, etc.,). It also hurts others--those who are in the industry (regardless of what they say--much like drug pushers). For them, it makes them dependent on porn for a source of income to the point that they can not get out.
This was especially troubling to me recently when I realized that some of my friends could very well resort to that. Admittedly, some of my friends are very built and very good looking, but unfortunately, did not always have the breaks academically or in talent. They make very little pay, and I am sure, if offered, the lure of a job in the porn industry would draw them. Their "lust" is already there. I know this, because I have seen much porn myself, and though I know sometimes these stories are manufactured, I know that there are people who slowly draw these "actors/actresses" into the porn industry--bit by bit. They may be in one video, not doing much in their first, but months later, they are doing everything you could imagine. It is sad because these people are just like you and me (many times they have even been abused themselves). They may have had not-so-good encouragement with their skills and perhaps they may have been the "feared bullies" of elementary school kids, but they do not deserve that fate. I do not think that the so-called "morons" and "academics" are truly that much different. It's a thinner line than one might expect, and with some hard work and incredible persistence, these other people can indeed make something of their lives (get better paying jobs or get better perspective to know that the porn industry is a shallow one).
My point here is that these people that we watch on porn are us...they are part of our communities--they could be our brothers, sisters, or neighbors. Many of them are perhaps very nice, "normal" people, but they have become hooked to the industry, and Z


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#9963 - 10/20/01 09:33 PM Re: Feeling Sexual
abcd Offline
Member

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
continued...(I do not know why it cut off my message)
and it does not help them that we encourage this (even in the internet with its counters). In fact, we encourage this cycle--but if take ourselves out as consumers in this cycle, we can shut down the entire mechanism. Thus to help one control one's lust, one can think of all the true consequences of one's actions.

The second thing I do, which is less academic and more personal, is to think about what is truly important to me. I know, for instance, that I ultimately want a family, and to be happy--without the need for porn. I shudder to think how hurt my family would be to see me resort to porn--how inadequate they (esp my spouse) would feel were they to see me resort to porn. Furthermore, I know I am not 100% happy with where I am intellectually, physically, or socially. Porn is a time-waster (especially when I consider the time I then spend moping around in guilt). What helps me sometimes is to work out, to go for a jog, and then to take a shower. Another alternative is to read some nice "deep things" (I like to read philosphical/religious texts) or just to read the news (especially in light of today's problems). A third alternative is to decide to call up a family member, hang out with people, or even just go write an e-mail to an old friend. The third is especially crucial because porn can lead me to a very private life void of social contact (it could easily lead me to a fantasy world of my own, without grounding in "reality"). Thus, I know very well, how much longer I am being separated from what I truly want each time I choose to stick with the porn.

Do not misunderstand, this is a tough fight and it won't go away immediately--I still continue to struggle with it. Still, if you resolve to try bit by bit and promise yourself never to give up, you'll be fine. Small concrete steps are crucial...for instance if you resort to hard core porn, resolve to only do soft core porn. If you pay for your porn, choose to only use free porn. Small steps man, and just remember to never give up.
Much like your abuse, you can not let this "addiction" take over your life. We are all rooting for you to beat this dependency, as much as I hope you are rooting for me \:\) Later man. Good to hear you're on board, and whatever you do, don't give up.


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#9964 - 10/27/01 07:19 PM Re: Feeling Sexual
tofeno Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/12/01
Posts: 18
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Thanks ABCD

I am still strugeling with this. And even to see this on the web reminds me that I am not alone and that it is a process. Thanks for listening and reponding

Tofeno \:\)

_________________________
The search for love continues even in the face of great odds.

bell hooks

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