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#9936 - 08/17/06 06:37 PM Re: Why did I get into that car
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Exactly \:\(
and it all fits together so nice doesn't it?

Paranoia... the day my mother got pregnant with me the old man, Kenny and these guys must have had a meeting and planned this whole thing out... set me up before I was even born. That's how it feels.


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#9937 - 08/17/06 06:46 PM Re: Why did I get into that car
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jay,

I lived through a variation of that. I felt I was doomed to abuse and it would never end. What made me think that was I thought I didn't deserve for it to end, etc. The old vicious circle.

This is a kid's way of thinking, but that's the idea we lived with and that's what we brought into adulthood.

Your version isn't all that different. The common thread is a feeling of powerlessness and doom. But again, that's how things looked to Little Jay.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#9938 - 08/17/06 06:48 PM Re: Why did I get into that car
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Hey Larry...
fuck little Jay, he's an asshole ok?


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#9939 - 08/18/06 03:20 AM Re: Why did I get into that car
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
jaysen maybe little jay feels the same way,for me the little kid trapped in me is not impressed with how i turned out. and he fucks with me all the time ,having a pissed off 11 year old trapped inside is hard ,its like walking around with a tazmaninan devil locked up in me. shadow

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#9940 - 08/18/06 12:57 PM Re: Why did I get into that car
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Exactly! I couldn't have said it better!

And the little fucker always comes out at the most inopportune moments! I'm sure he's feeling
the same way about how I turned out.. I don't give a damn \:\)

Jay


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#9941 - 08/18/06 11:44 PM Re: Why did I get into that car
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jay,

Quote:
And the little fucker always comes out at the most inopportune moments!
Interesting. What is it he tells you when he shows up? My guess: things you already know.

Quote:
I'm sure he's feeling the same way about how I turned out.. I don't give a damn
Hmmmm. Sounds to me like you DO give a damn. Maybe you just wish you didn't, in which case you wouldn't feel the need or desire to face any of this crap.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#9942 - 08/21/06 12:18 PM Re: Why did I get into that car
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
What does he tell me? well... to be honest here he usually tells me something like "What the hell are you doing here? are you out of your mind? Tell these guys NO and get the hell out of here you dumbass!"

And you're right, I wish I didn't.

Jay


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#9943 - 08/21/06 03:31 PM Re: Why did I get into that car
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jay,

So in fact he's telling you things that are true, if perhaps at an inconvenient time - such as when it's too late.

He's only doing that to raise the alarm, of course, not to harm you or shame you. He's just trying to tell you he's afraid, which is exactly what a kid does. He can express how he feels, but he's too young to have ideas for a constructive solution. That may be part of why it's so frustrating to deal with him.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#9944 - 08/21/06 04:01 PM Re: Why did I get into that car
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Always when it's too late.

I don't like the direction this conversation is going in, but I'll continue anyway... so if he can express how he feels now where was he years ago when I needed him?


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#9945 - 08/21/06 04:38 PM Re: Why did I get into that car
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jay,

To answer that I can only tell you how I felt when I was being abused. See if any of this sounds familiar.

I felt afraid and confused, terribly ashamed and terrified of discovery. I thought (with the abuser's help) that if I got found out the first thing that would happen would be that I would be thrown out of the house. There was a seedy home for orphans and abandoned kids on my school bus route, and I imagined myself ending there.

I also felt incredibly guilty and worthless. I would come home and think "It happened ... again!"; I hated looking in a mirror and I hated being me. I felt like my body was betraying me and that it wasn't even mine - maybe it never was and never would be. I decided I didn't deserve any better than what was happening to me, so I stopped caring.

Like I said, sound familiar in any ways?

And if it does sound familiar, can you imagine any way a boy devastated like this could speak up to raise the alarm? This would take some small bit of confidence and trust. Would a boy like this have either of those at such a time?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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