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#9926 - 08/16/06 10:07 AM Re: Why did I get into that car
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
I apply child logic to a lot that I do.
Yes, I have been back there, and thought how it was, and why things happened that way.
The only thing I know is, it was never how it should have been.

I remember not wanting to be a favourite of teachers or neighbours, but somehow wanting to "fit in".
It was like I wanted it all, but was scared of the consequences of it.

I remember in it all, that I was a really popular kid with a secret, that secret turned friendships away, and turned girls running.

All the time I was wearing a mask, but inside I just wanted to scream out to everyone what happened.

If I look back though, I had no way of doing anything other than the path I chose.
I do thank the little guy, because he took me back to it, and its time to thank him for being so strong.

So thats it, you all did much the same thing to survive, so you all had a courage that is unmatched in society,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#9927 - 08/16/06 10:33 AM Re: Why did I get into that car
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Adam sums it up:

Quote:
We didnt stand a chance and we never had a choice.
The abuse came at us either so fast we didn't have an opportunity to react, or else it crept up so slowly we didn't recognize it for what it was.

There's also the fact that when a kid is being abused he doesn't see that he has "choices": to run, to say no, to tell. Think back - what was running through your head when it all started? I remember it all. I was thinking "Why's he doing this?", "I don't like this", "I'm scared", but in the face of what was happening I was like a deer in the headlights. I just froze. I was scared and confused. I was crying and trembling. And I just did what I was told. The furthest thing from my mind what pondering what choices I might have, assuming there were any. It's back to a basic point I think it worth repeating: A boy who doesn't KNOW he has any choice in fact DOESN'T have any choice.

We have to remember how powerless and defenseless children (and that's what we were) are in the presence of evil. For a pedophile it's not a matter of being clever enough to trap a kid; it's just a question of being evil enough.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#9928 - 08/16/06 11:59 AM Re: Why did I get into that car
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
i have revisited my abuse so much i can't even count. one thing that became clear is that even though some part of me know it was wrong, i was so hungry for something that i was willing to trade my body away to get it.

Jaysen, if you were so out of it and drunk then you likely couldnt make a choice. i dont think getting in that car was as much a choice as you want to believe. if you are really drunk, your mind doesnt work, and these guys used that to take advantage. in my mind it is more likely they were in control and making choices for this utterly drunk boy that they could use. no one deserves to be raped, no matter how foolish they are, no matter what they did. it takes a real set of monsters to do what they did to you. i think you are giving yourself far too much control in your mind. i suspect things were beyond your ability to control in the state you were in.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#9929 - 08/17/06 04:01 PM Re: Why did I get into that car
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
True, easy to look back now and think I had any control over the situation. Also true no one deserves to be raped not even once let alone.. I don't know how many times. But... it doesn't matter how drunk I was at the time, it was MY choice to get into the car. Nobody forced me in, nobody talked me into it, I made the decision. It was a bad decision but it was mine. At least let me blame myself for that part of it?

Jay


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#9930 - 08/17/06 04:05 PM Re: Why did I get into that car
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Adam / Larry - I completely agree with that... that we didn't stand a chance and we didn't have a choice and it applies to the situation when I was a kid, with Kenny. But I just don't see where it applies to the assault. Drunk or sober, I just don't see it.
Maybe I don't want to see it.. who knows.

Thanks,
Jay


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#9931 - 08/17/06 04:57 PM Re: Why did I get into that car
thetraveller Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/29/06
Posts: 69
Loc: England
Jay just because you made a bad decision, off your face on x and booze, thousands of people will have done similar things.

I have wondered off with strangers, got in cars and gone to partys with people I just met when I've been drinking and taken X. You shouldn't beat up on yourself. you have just been extremly unlucky meeting some evil c**ts while you were wasted and they took advantage.

Direct ALL your anger at them. They deserve it not you.

Take care

Craig


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#9932 - 08/17/06 05:10 PM Re: Why did I get into that car
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
I know they deserve it, it would be a lot easier to direct my anger at them if I knew who the hell they were and why they chose me!

I'm angry at what they did but for all I know one of them could be the guy I buy my coffee from in the morning. It's just hard not knowing you know? I suppose I could go around being angry at everyone I meet "assuming" they had something to do with it, but I'm not going to make any friends that way.


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#9933 - 08/17/06 05:35 PM Re: Why did I get into that car
thetraveller Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/29/06
Posts: 69
Loc: England
I meant more metaphorically. Directing your anger outwards rather than turning it in on yourself.

Does that make sense?

It just seemed to me reading your posts that you were being unfair to yourself. Like the fact you got into the car in the first place meant you deserved to take some of the blame for what happened. Which you certainly don't.

I agree. You wouldn't be a popular guy walking around being angry with everyone as they could have been involved!!

I can only imagine how frustrating it must be not knowing. you must have a lot of completly justified anger towards "them" but who the f**k are they. I can see how that would do your head in.

Try not to turn it against yourself. you certainly don't deserve any blame in this what so ever.

Take care

Craig


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#9934 - 08/17/06 05:54 PM Re: Why did I get into that car
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Yes it makes sense, thanks Craig.
It is damn frustrating. The not knowing isn't as bad as the "when will they strike next" feeling or the "are they watching me" or "are they waiting to grab me again" feeling. But I try to ignore all that.


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#9935 - 08/17/06 06:23 PM Re: Why did I get into that car
Kirk Wayne Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/05
Posts: 499
Loc: Shrewsbury UK
Why?

Because I was well groomed.

Kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"


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