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#9916 - 08/15/06 06:20 PM Why did I get into that car
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Can't stop thinking about the moment I realized I was in trouble. In that one second when I knew my life was about to change, I looked at him and he looked at me, and those eyes that looked anxious and eager and hungry. If I only had another minute to react I would have been out of that car. I had my hand on the door handle and the very last thought in my mind before the lights went out was opening the door and jumping out.
Actually never occured to me until now that jumping out of a moving car going at least 60 on the highway probably would have killed me.
But if it did kill me it would have saved me having to live with what they did.

Jay


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#9917 - 08/15/06 07:42 PM Re: Why did I get into that car
mphsrvivor Offline
Member

Registered: 07/02/06
Posts: 33
Loc: Tennessee
Jaysen, you're asking a 'why' that can't be answered. I've asked the same thing in the past. Why did I not run out of the hotel room when he first crossed that line? Why did I keep being his friend? Looking back now, its easy to see what we could have done differently to avoid what happened and it is this train of thought that feeds the guilt we have for what was done to us. But the truth is nothing can change that past. Of course we would have reacted differently if we had known what was going to happen but we didn't know. We were caught by surprise.

_________________________
---Patrick

"Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#9918 - 08/15/06 07:45 PM Re: Why did I get into that car
Trevor Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 778
Loc: Rhode Island
ya caught by surpise

_________________________
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

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#9919 - 08/15/06 08:05 PM Re: Why did I get into that car
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
why did i follow Mat into the bushes? we can tear ourselves up debating these things, and it doesnt change what happened. all it does is trap us in an endless circle of self doubt and second guessing. at the time, if we could go back, we had our reasons. right or wrong, we did what we did. you know, some part of you may have been sounding an alarm, but obviously enough of you wanted to go that you overpowered those concerns and got in the car.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#9920 - 08/15/06 08:09 PM Re: Why did I get into that car
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
I know it don't change things, I just can't stop thinking about it.

"some part of you may have been sounding an alarm, but obviously enough of you wanted to go that you overpowered those concerns and got in the car." <---yes, that's called budweiser, rum and X!


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#9921 - 08/15/06 08:17 PM Re: Why did I get into that car
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Was it my fault?
Why wasnt I stronger?
Was I a wuss for crying?
Why did I not fight him?

There are thousands more questions in a kids life who is so f*cked up by it all, but then again, he only has himself to blame!

Nobody else will even shoulder an ounce of it, family or otherwise, and the only thing you need to know, is that we all followed a similar pattern, so we are all guilty.

Guilty of pure innocence and trust, doesnt make sense now, does it!

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#9922 - 08/15/06 08:44 PM Re: Why did I get into that car
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jay,

That and a million other questions come up over and over again when we think back to what happened to us.

One thing we need to bear in mind is that there's nothing we can do to change the past. It's important to understand what happened, but after a point it's just agonizing for it's own sake and devours emotional energy we need for other things.

We also need to look at what we are doing. All of our "what if" questions are somehow judgments against ourselves: what if I had got out of the car?, what if I had run?, what if I had said no?, what if I had told? But we didn't do those things, and in this way we find a new path to follow in our efforts to blame ourselves. We need to keep telling ourselves that one change in the sequence of events could have led to a lot of other changes that we have no way of knowing or predicting. And no matter what the scenario would have been or could have been, we need to hang on to a very basic truth: ABUSE IS NEVER THE BOY'S FAULT.

Jay, I don't think there's a formula we can use to stop thinking about these "what if" questions. My own experience was that as I made progress in general, my need to blame myself faded. I was more willing to trust myself and believe that it wasn't my fault. As that happened I guess I just didn't need the "what if" questions anymore. As they became pointless, I gradually stopped asking them.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#9923 - 08/15/06 09:14 PM Re: Why did I get into that car
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Jay,

take yourself back to the time it happened.
It happened to the little boy remember, think of how he was manipulated, think of the control adults had in his little life.

I used to think as an adult that I could have stopped it as a boy, but I took myself back, and found just how scared and vulnerable I was back then, its scary to go back, but that is how it is.

It is cyclic, like old tapes running in your mind, and it is time to run the new tapes, of the person who needs to come out of it, and yes, we all thot we were boy whores, but NO! We werent.

You were hurt by adults who should be aware of the consequence of their actions, but lust can take over any form of rationalization in a perps mind, and hey, its them who wear the greatest mask.

The one which puts them into trusting positions to do evil, but that is another story,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#9924 - 08/15/06 09:27 PM Re: Why did I get into that car
theboywithnoname Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/14/06
Posts: 10
Loc: United States
I used to beat myself up like this, thinking back on bad times identifying things I could have done differently. The problem with that kind of thinking is that you're applying adult judgement and wisdom to things that happened to you as a child. At that point in your life, the burden of adult responsibility should have been on the perp, not on you. Sure you *could* have acted differently, but had they acted like an adult in the first place you would have never been forced to think like one as a child.


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#9925 - 08/16/06 05:22 AM Re: Why did I get into that car
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
why didnt i just beat the hell out of him? cause i was an 11 year old boy and he was a fully grown man .we didnt stand a chance and we never had a choice.

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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