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#9854 - 10/03/02 08:29 PM Mother-Son Incest
Sean Simms Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/03/02
Posts: 90
Loc: Seattle
Hello,
I was turned on to this site by my friend Rick who has started a Survivors of Incest group in my town. I am writing because I want to meet other men who are molested by their mothers (whether physical or not). I was made my mother's lover since I was born. She always kept me close to her adn on a short leash. I was not allowed to be away from home for very long without her. After my parents divorced and my sister ran away (age 8) she made me sleep in her bed every night. This was until age eleven. I would wake up often and feel very scared. Of what I don't know. I know she wasn't physical with me in bed but I still felt as if I were her husband.
I've read stories of other men who were "special " in their mother's eyes. I never felt that way. I always tried to think of ways to get away from her but never had the courage until I was 18. I don't even talk to her anymore (I'm 31 now).
She always made me go to dinner with her too as well as complain about her problems. She didn't have any friends or boyfriends after she divorced so I was the only one to keep her company. She was always afraid she would lose me so I didn't get to play with my friends unless she was home. I remember the pain of spending all day home everyday during the summer without any one to talk to.
As a teenager I rebelled against her and left the house whenever I wanted. I hated her and even hit her a couple of times. Once I remember Walking into her bedroom while she was masturbating. I always thought it was an accident but now I realize she left the door open so I would walk in. How disgusting!
Well my computer time at the library is running out so I have to go. If anyone would like to communicate with me please do so.
Sean

_________________________
"When you are Real you can't be ugly. People who think you are ugly just don't understand."
-the Velveteen Rabbit

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#9855 - 10/04/02 01:43 AM Re: Mother-Son Incest
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
Hello Sean and welcome,
Again I see I'm not alone. My father died when I was ten yrs old. I was his stand in,
in her bed, from when I was about 12 -13 until about the time I went into
the Navy at 17. She had been abandoned by her dad when she was young and now she
had been abandoned by her husband/father. He was 60 and she was 33 when they
married. Being her "special Bobby" felt pretty icky and I couldn't stand it. I hated
her for what she was doing to me even though I really didn't fully understand why.
It just meant I was to be there for her needs. I was complient and loyal, my big
brother did the acting out. My rage was expressed in my self loathing. I have rare
contact with anyone in my family to this day. I had the sense she could not live
without me and I was responsible for her well being. The training for this "special"
position started very young. She once told me "Don't ever tell anyone they won't
understand." Most of her friends were really acquaintances, and she discouraged
any friends for me.

She died before I got married, but had met my then future wife. She was definately
threatened by her. What she had done to me definately wreaked immeasurable
havoc on my marriage, but it has still survived after 33 years.
Your story resonates with mine, and I thank you for sharing. We know your pain
here and you are not alone.
P.S. Say hi to Rick

--------------- be gentle with yourself


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#9856 - 10/04/02 01:50 AM Re: Mother-Son Incest
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
Sean,

you're not alone. Lots of us here (and "out there") have very similar backgrounds. Stick with the talking, to us or whomever - a therapist would be a big help. Just getting the crap out of your head is a giant step forward.

Welcome brother.

-Al

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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#9857 - 10/04/02 03:41 AM Re: Mother-Son Incest
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
Hi Sean,

Another son/husband/friend/therapist here! My dad abandoned me and my mother by retreating into his own world, leaving me vulnerable to her thick love. We did everything together. When I should have been at a Little League game, I was holding her purse for her in the lingerie section of a department store while she shopped for underwear. I learned way early that my life would be about attending to her needs and sublimating my own, a pit which I am only crawling out of today at age 40. She took baths with me until I was 10. Pretty creepy, huh? Hard to get your head around the idea that you are being sexually abused by your own mother, especially when there is no actual sex and you think (as a kid) that men abuse girls, not the other way around. Besides, she loves me, she wouldn't do something to hurt me out of her own selfish need. Or would she?! Anyway, glad you found us. You need never be alone with this crap ever again.

Roy


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#9858 - 10/04/02 06:58 AM Re: Mother-Son Incest
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
Hi, Sean

You are definitely not alone. I was sexually abused by my mother from age 0-5 or 6. After that it was emotional abuse for the rest of my childhood. She was alcoholic – manic-depressive – suicidal – and in and out of the rubber Ramada – (mental hospital)- several times.

I got to be the family problem – acting out – and tried suicide twice, at age 7 and 15. The hard part was that I had no memory of the abuse until 50 years later, but I had lived with all the symptoms. It was an awful way to grow up. I could not understand why I did not love her or feel bonded. I thought I was the only one like that. The rest of the family never talked about any of her behavior and just accepted that I was the problem one. They sent me to shrinks at age 7 until age 20 – who never asked me about my family and they knew how screwed up she was. Result was that I am still phobic about their mannerisms

I was her “special” person. She confided stuff with me about her therapy. The word “special” still gives me chills. The result was that I lived in an unreal world with no clue – Until a year ago I did not even remember my first suicide attempt – they said they sent me to a shrink because I stuttered – I’m sure I had something to say then that wouldn’t come out – but I learned to accept that it was me that was weird – and that the distance I felt from everyone was because of who I was, defective and different.

The symptoms invaded every part of my life, causing sexual dysfunction, sexual identity confusion, trust issues, inability to set boundaries and cycles of depression. I have been through two awful marriages, which ended poorly and only now can I see that I made intimacy impossible because of my abuse issues. When I recovered my memory I still could not be angry about it – only at the others, shinks and family, for not rescuing me. Its only been since April that I have been able to feel my anger at her which was buried so deeply.

Even with all that, I am so relieved to know why I had my symptoms. Slowly, for the first time, I have the beginnings of feeling like I know who I am. I have worked hard to overcome the symptoms and still do everyday. I feel like I finally have focus and a chance to overcome the crap I lived with. It gave me hope and relief and a future. ……….t

_________________________
"..this place isn't a discussion forum..it's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

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#9859 - 10/07/02 05:10 PM Re: Mother-Son Incest
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Sean:

I'm among the apparent multitude of men here who were abused by their mothers.

I was surrogate husband to my mother (no father around most of my life) and surrogate father to my handicapped brother.

I know of at least 3 clear instances where she committed sexual incest against me, once with my father involved and once with another man.

Some of these memories have been in my body & feelings, and sometimes in dissociated flashes in my mind, for a long time (I'm 45; this all started when I was 3 or 4 at most).

In a sense it was also a rape that brot all this out for me, about a year ago. Actually, the return of the memory of the rape, which happened when I was 10 or 11. It was a gay couple, to whom my mother sold me for sex.

The rape flashbacks came back after a counseling session last year, and things have been coming back ever since.

I had been trying to reconcile with my mother but now have broken all contact. She was still being emotionally incestuous anyway, very narcisstic.

I've just begun a process of confronting my mother, not physically but in a very real way, thru therapy; its helping so far.

I trust that support group will be a big help to you; none around here I know of. But I have a great T & pdoc, and a very supportive family. I'm sure you'll find the men here to be very supportive also as I have.

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#9860 - 10/07/02 05:59 PM Re: Mother-Son Incest
jaketk Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/02
Posts: 49
Loc: illinois
I don't recall much of the abuse my mother put me thru. It was from 0-2, and most of my memories from that time are very shaky.

At 3, I moved with my father to live with his family, and from that point until I ran away at 14, I was abused by my uncles and aunts. I was prostituted, to both men and women.

I learned how to please women, how to read their needs, so that I could perform better. When my aunts wanted to get off, they came to me. I did all kinds of things for them, most of which I won't repeat. When I screwed up, I'd get punished, sodomized, at times beaten.

I know that I can't be with women now. It'd be like when I was with my aunts and those other women, I'd just react. I wouldn't get anything out of it. And I wouldn't completely be there.

My abuse by my aunts destroyed my understanding of women. I see women as versions of my aunts, quiet and gentle, nothing to make you think any ill of them. One aunt would always be gentle with me, even when punishing me, she'd rub my back, talk softly. I had even started calling her "mommy', but my father made me stop.

I met my mother again for the first time in years about two years ago. She didn't recognize, or she said she didn't, I look a lot like my older brother, who she raised and abused. Anyway, she flirted with me. And when my father told her who I was, she kept it up. The few times she tried talking to me after that, I wouldn't have anything to do with her. She left me with a man she knew would torture me. And yeah, I wouldn't have been better off with her, but she could have said "goodbye' when she left.

I think that as survivors of mother/female abuse, we end up having to make exceptions to what happened to us. Not just that we were abused and we're male, but that it was done by a woman, and that she is as wrong and guilty as any man would be.

jake


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#9861 - 10/08/02 04:28 AM Re: Mother-Son Incest
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
Im sorry jake. That sounds a lot like hell. It takes guts to tell the world what you have been through, even here. Your more than just your pain, remember that. You dont have to change all at once, if you are not comfortable around women, that is okay. sometimes i read things someone says, and i just think, that hurts. It hurts to hear someone suffer that bad. maybe i am sounding goofy here, but i just want to let you know im here.


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#9862 - 10/10/02 11:15 AM Re: Mother-Son Incest
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Jake:

Damn, it sounds like we have a lot of shit in common!

My sexual & other abuse began who knows how early. I remember one incident of incest by my mother & father (which probably my mother initiated) when I was three or less; by my 4th birthday my mother had left him & we had moved far away, never to see or hear from him again.

The sexual & emotional incest went on thruout my childhood & beyond, along with physical, verbal & other abuses. These sometimes involved other women or occassionally other men, but almost always encouraged by mother. One of my other main perps was an aunt who lived with us for awhile.

I started a few years ago to try to have a new & healthy relationship with my mother. But she was the same ol mother: jealous, possessive, and (tho I hadn't really thot about it until you mentioned it) downright flirtatious, even with my wife & daughters around! Narcisstic parasitic bitch!

Always been easy for me to want to get back at women, treat them like they as a whole treated me. My marriage has a lot of trust issues, but its amazing I can be with a woman at all, especially in a (relatively)healthy way. And that thank goodness our daughters have turned out so well. I know they would never imagine doing anything like what my mother did! They don't even want to be in contact with her since they found out she abused me.

Yeah, what's bad for the goose is bad for the gander! If its abuse when men do it, its abuse when women do it too!

Well, take care Jake.

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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