i'm looking for advice.......i've decided i no longer want or am not able to deal with this life anymore.....is there a medical person out there who could advise me which medicines i have would be the most effective in stopping my heart.....i have congestive heart failure.....i'm 42, 6', 240 lbs......i have about 25% of my heart left......can anybody tell me which of the following drugs would be the quickest and least painful way to do this.....i fear becoming a vegtable.....i have 1500 mg of metatoprol, 900 mg of zestril, 8 mg of lanoxin......which should i take, or should i take them all at once???????? i also have lasix, aldactone, pravochol and celexa but i do not think these would serve my purpose.....please respond back as soon as possible....thank you for your time and consideration......michael........you can e-mail me at mikedow24@hotmail.com.....thank you.....

I hear your desperation Michael, as do others on this site. Aside from this page are you alone right now? It sounds like you need to not be alone, especially now. Are you in a hospital?
I know for me when my body is assaulted by disease (diabetes and a degenerative back ,for me). Deep down I feel like my body has been re-victimized and it is betraying me ...again. If I had recieved the information on my health as you have I would also be depressed and overwhelmed and I think justifiably so. It needs some recovery time.
You deserve to be held and comforted in your terror. All I and others can offer you here are caring words.
Does your dr. know how fearful, depressed and suicidal you are? He needs to hear this from you. You don't need to suffer this pain in solitude. You have many hearts here that can hear loud and clear the pain in yours. call a hotline and talk to someone.
------- Please be loving and gentle with yourself
-------------------------- RJD

Michael,
I responded to your email....please check.. I am here for you as these wonderful people have been here for me. We are wonderful gifted people who have an opportunity to heal...allow that process to begin for you...I need you to be here for me...

thank you for your responses.....i am totally alone right now.....just like most of my life.....i know i'm getting closer and closer to doing it....the 20th anniversary of my father's death is friday.....that just seems like the right day for me to join him, if you believe in such things.....i do not.....my doctor does not care....i am a miserable person, i do not deserve to live......i do not want to live......i cannot and will not go back into the hospital again.....it will do no good.....if anybody knows about the effects of these medicines, please e-mail me..........i need to be successful at one thing in my pitiful life.....thank you.....

I DONT BELIVE IN SELF KILL BESIDES I DONT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT I WAS MADE A VAMPIRE MANY YEAR AGO,IT IS TRUE THAT BEING AMONG THE LIVEING IS DIFFICULT, I OFTEN WISH GOD WOULD CALL MY NUMBER AND GET ME THE FUCK OFF THIS PICE OF SHIT WORLD BUT I WATE, SOME TIMES I THINK ITS THE PROMISE HE MADE THAT IN THE END WE GO TO HEAVEN,GOD I HOPE THATS TRUE,TILL THEN IT IS NOT UP TO ME TO END GAME SO EARLY, IF IT WERE ID BEEN DEAD THE MOMENT HE GOT HIS COCK IN ME BUT IT GOT SO BLACK IN MY HEAD AND THE RYTHUM OF HIS TRUSTING I COULD NOT FIND THE GAME OVER BUTTON,SOMETHING WAS KEEPING ME THERE ,,,WELL THAT ALL FOR NOW.....

I was ready to commit suicide last Sunday, but called the suicide hotline. They weren't really helpful, but decided not to commit suicide. Things have gone a little better this week. They are far from perfect, as my life is still a mess, but I feel that I made some progress this week. Sometimes you just have to hang in there.

Hey Mikie,
I think that you should improve yourself not kill yourself, besides all those piss poor drugs wouldn't even get me high...I mean what the fuck! I didn't have sex with anyone myself for 20 years after being raped 100's of times...I couldn't. I finilly had to force myself to do it. What would be better to force yourself to have sex with someone or kill yourself....I know that's it hard but the first time always is! Now I would kill myself if I could never have sex again. Sex is a very stronge drug if used right. Why kill yourself before you try all the help that you can find...not having sex with someone else is what is killing you!
I wanted to die big time..I got to the point where I couldn't even cum by jacking off much-less getting hard enough to do my wife! This went on for 3 months...what was doing it? The starting of the flashbacks of being raped. I had dissocated while being raped which came back in flashbacks 11 months ago...your mind has to be very heavy to dissocate...most people just remenber being raped after wards and forever. After you have the flashbacks you remember forever!!!!
Now this don't work for everyone but it did for me and a lot of other men that had been SA when a child. What matters a lot is the age that you were abused...before or after you were sexually developed....under 13 or over 13... or both like me. SHIT...maybe that doesn't matter...WHATEVER ! Most men that were sexually abused are drawn to the part of their body that was abused. I was drawn to passive anal sex..wanted to be fucked to death! Found a guy close by that wanted to fist me so I let him...It didn't kill me..I loved it! Now my wife does it to me..lucky to have such a good wife to do this...most can't handle this and run away!!! It is easy to find someone on the net to have sex with...can be anything that you want..pay if you have to... BUT PLEASE DON'T KILL YOURSELF BEFORE YOU FORCE YOURSElF TO HAVE SEX...ANY KIND OF SEX WITH ANOTHER PERSON !!!!!!! Don't know why but the pain in my ass from being fisted takes away the pain in my mind...I mean it is gone...for days...up to a week of relief!

Act it Out!
Eddie

The suggestion of forcing sex or "fisting" bothers me a lot. I have been very uncomfortable with some of the messages on the board lately, so am going to see about cancelling my membership.

Scott, I hope you don;t cancel. I always like your posts and get alot out of them.

GetEddie,

I'm not trying to come down on you, or scare you away. We're all here to heal ourselves. And you were willing to post your ideas on something that you felt helped you. So please take my comments in the same "trying to help" frame of mind.

Regardless of whether Scott has decided to stop coming here, doesn't it seem unhealthy to "force" anything, especially sex?

There are some things that we "should" do, because they are acts that promote healing. And some of those things are things that we may find uncomfortable. So, yes, encouragement is necessary. I've even quoted from Three Kings "You do the thing you're scared shitless of, and then courage comes after you do it. Not before you do it."

But in the context of your message, it sounds like you've got a sex addiction. I would agree that is better than killing oneself. But is it HEALTHY?

Any activity, done too much, can disrupt a person's quality of life. Whether it is drugs, gambling, or even sex, if the quest to find these things takes up an inordinate amount of your time, and the rest of your life suffers, then you need to look at it, long and hard.

Addiction is the problem; it doesn't matter what the addiction is to.

Expressing the pain, whether by writing, doing art, or working out ("building yourself up" as you said) is a constructive way of dealing with the pain of the abuse. "Act it out" is simply replacing one abuse for another.

J
We're all in this together