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#9743 - 11/23/01 10:48 PM Re: Im Not Gay!!!
Anonymous
Unregistered


Bosishere,

Honest to God, I just about wet my pants I'm laughing so hard...! Thanks for the Butterball anecdotes.... Your dry humor made my day!

Don

[ November 23, 2001: Message edited by: dynamitedon ]


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#9744 - 01/08/02 07:01 PM Re: Im Not Gay!!!
Hanging On Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/11/01
Posts: 11
Hello to all my fellow survivors,
I have been pretty busy lately and just wanted to let you all in on how life has been going this last little while. As you know I have started therapy and it has truly been a god send for me. With my therapists help I am finding ways to deal with my abuse and my reaction to it still today. For once I am not playing this movie over in my head every waking moment. Sex, guilt, Sex, pain, Sex, confusion, Sex, Fear, Sex, Shame. Sex, Saddness. You will notice in there that Sex was never followed by peace, love, joy. My wife, bless her heart, never felt me give my self to her completely because there was always a part of me playing this movie and afraid that if I give my whole self to her that she will see my fear, shame, sadness. I know that she feels my resistance and I so wanted to give to her completely but my fearful child would not let me. Afraid that she would hurt me as has everyone else in my life. However, now it is easier to see my apprehension and to try to take some sort of control of that inner child. There have been a few times that I have truly given myself completely to her and the peace and joy that surrounded that is something that I now strive for on a daily basis. I am learning that my everyday life thus far is mearly a habit and I am so use to that habit that it is hard to let it go all at once. I still struggle every day but now there are glimpses, although be it small ones, of what it is like to NOT live in that world and frankly I like it. No, I love it. Thanks to all who share here and care here. God Bless to all
Hanging On


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#9745 - 01/09/02 12:33 AM Re: Im Not Gay!!!
Ken Followell Offline
President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 989
Loc: Bradenton, FL
Hangin on,

I know what you mean about being fearful to give yourself fully to your wife. My wife (of 21 years) just recently expressed her pain of feeling my holding back. I could not continue the hurt someone I love some much and that was the push I needed to give myself permission to enjoy sex. It has been great but has taken a long time to get there.

thank you for starting this thread it has been a blessing to me to read through it.

Thanks to all you guys for sharing your lives on this site.

Ken \:\)

_________________________
Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

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#9746 - 01/09/02 04:20 AM Re: Im Not Gay!!!
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Hanging On,

I'm so happy for you for your progress so far. I wish you and your wife the best. It is wonderful when todays glimpses of love and life become the reality and the past just becomes the random glimpses seen through the perspective of time and understanding.

Keep hanging in there, you're doing fine.

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#9747 - 01/09/02 08:48 AM Re: Im Not Gay!!!
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Sounds Great,
I got tight with my wife too...after 22 years of sleeping together and me not being able to fall asleep while in contact with my wife... freaking and waking up when she touched me...very strange...now that I think of it...but after 16 months of therapy...meds...and lots of flashbacks...I can fall asleep while holding my wife...and sleep like that...WOW...freaky walls built for protection!!!!!!

Eddie


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