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#9723 - 10/14/01 04:41 PM Re: Im Not Gay!!!
Anonymous
Unregistered


RJD,

Thanks for sharing your regression experience...it sounds as though it was awesome and ultimately very healing. Wow!

Don


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#9724 - 10/22/01 08:06 AM Re: Im Not Gay!!!
Hanging On Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/11/01
Posts: 11
Hello all,
Have not felt like writing lately but wanted to let you know that I appreciate your posts and support. I am trying to get myself to go to a councelor but I am very scared. On the one hand I want to overcome my obsessions and on the other I dont want to drudge up all that happened again. That is where I cant figure out myself. As you all know this is something that we relive or think about on a daily basis so why am I afraid to discuss it with someone else? Its like, I want to talk about it but I dont. God bless to you all Hanging On


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#9725 - 10/22/01 09:31 PM Re: Im Not Gay!!!
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Hanging On,

It will find its way out on its own time, the door has been opened, your doing fine, no expectations here, ok?

I like what you wrote, i am sorry you have to be here, its a shame that any of us are here, fror what you wrote it sounds to me like you have a pretty good grip on things already, you are to be commended, i can tell you have struggled with this head on and have not just let it run your life for you, thats awesome dude.

I just wanted to welcome you and remind you to go easy on yourself, ok? you been though an awful lot already, just take yoru time and be kind with yourself, ok?

I am glad your here,

Safe hugs to you,

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#9726 - 10/23/01 10:03 AM Re: Im Not Gay!!!
Hanging On Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/11/01
Posts: 11
Dynamite Don,
Your post really struck a chord with me. I too have wanted to be LIKE those "have it all together guys". I am not tall, athletic, geourgous, built but Oh to be that way would make me more of a man right? Then I too would be sexually attractive to women and have them flaunting all over me, and I would be popular and fun....and my perpatrator would not be interested in me because I was a lonely kid who had no male role model ever, who longed for the male bonding that a young boy should have with his father, but he instead cared only for himself and left me to grow up without him. I just wanted someone to look to up too. Maybe I still do.
As you can see, you really struck a chord with me on this one. Any good Books out there that cover the need for male bonding in boys, and the possible outcome (as seen here) of not having that in their lives?
Thanks Don, your a brother in spirit I can tell. God Bless, Hanging On


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#9727 - 10/23/01 11:43 AM Re: Im Not Gay!!!
Hanging On Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/11/01
Posts: 11
Hi again,
As I so often do when I am feeling depressed, I was looking up other sites for some insight and ran across this passage. Hope it is ok to post it here. Thanks, Hanging On.

This is the site in case anyone is interested in looking further. Some good thoughts there. http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/ds/cb962/page3.html

Sexual Abuse.
Tragically, for many men and women, homosexual attractions are also rooted in haunting incidents of past sexual abuse. Sexual abuse involves any contact or interaction whereby an older, stronger, or more influential person uses a vulnerable child or adolescent for sexual stimulation. (For a more complete discussion of sexual abuse, see RBC booklet When Trust Is Lost.)

Studies show that incidents of sexual abuse are prevalent in the childhoods of adult homosexuals.20 Those who work with adult individuals seeking help for homosexual struggles repeatedly hear stories of boys having been sexually molested, usually by older boys or men. They regularly hear of girls having been sexually abused, typically by a close male family member, friend, or authority figure.

As is the case with any of the factors mentioned, sexual abuse does not automatically produce homosexual attractions. But for some it can be a major part of a context in which homosexual attractions can form. The way the damage of sexual abuse affects the development of these attractions tends to be different for men and women.

The Damage Of Sexual Abuse On Men. Strong ambivalent feelings experienced during and after incidents of sexual abuse by an older male can be a part of what forms homosexual attractions. Ambivalence is "feeling two contradictory emotions at the same moment."21 The result is overwhelming shame and confusion. The fact that somehow, in such an awful context, a young boy felt some pleasure brings a raw sense of shame. Relational connection and physical contact occurred, which naturally aroused and brought him emotional and sexual pleasure, but it also felt so horrible.

Enjoying a level of sexual pleasure with a man or older boy is difficult for a young boy or adolescent to reconcile. The shameful confusion increases when sexual abuse was the only context in which his thirst for male love and connection was seemingly quenched. It leaves the deceptive impression that sex and love always go hand in hand.

Shame and confusion provoke nagging thoughts like, "What does that say about me? Maybe I am homosexual." Consequently, the damage from ambivalent feelings can mislead confused young boys into thinking they're something they're not.


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#9728 - 10/23/01 09:37 PM Re: Im Not Gay!!!
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hanging On,

THANK YOU for sharing some of the information that you discovered; it makes perfect sense to me and I appreciate your going through the effort to post it.

Also, I want to thank you for your initial post ("I'm Not Gay!!!"). As you certainly know, this particular discussion has generated a number of posts. Clearly it is "right on" with respect to one of the concerns that those of us who are male victims of childhood sexual abuse carry around with us.

I can feel myself healing on so many fronts, and I want to thank you and others in this forum for your insights, support, candor, and genuine sensitivity and concern. As Jeremy has stated so well, "We're in this together...." And I really feel supported here.

Don


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#9729 - 10/31/01 01:48 PM Re: Im Not Gay!!!
Hanging On Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/11/01
Posts: 11
Is it ever possible to not think about this EVERY $@##$@ SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!! Sometimes I hate myself for even thinking that my life could ever be remotelly normal. Like Im getting my hopes up for what I know will be a big dissapointment. Feeling angry today as you can see. How much would a therapist help do you think?
Hanging On


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#9730 - 10/31/01 08:53 PM Re: Im Not Gay!!!
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hanging On,

YES...I absolutely want to support you with respect to a therapist. Granted, there is probably great variability among therapists out there, but in my opinion you owe it to yourself to see out this kind of help. Dealing with abuse issues is heavy stuff, and issues of sexual identity are, of course, common among those of us who have been abused.

As we know, once a child has been abused, his reality is distorted. "Normality," in whatever way we perceive it, is something that we all seem to crave. But the fact is that many of us wouldn't know "normal" if it came up and bit us in the butt!

As victims of sexual abuse, we know what it is to be powerless and helpless. One of the hallmarks of healing is when we learn to take care of ourselves...and the little boy inside each of us. It's extremely hard to do this alone, and this is where a therapist can help. Those of us who are SA victims need to be empowered and to learn how to do this for ourselves.

You're worth it!

Don


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#9731 - 11/01/01 07:05 PM Re: Im Not Gay!!!
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Hanging On, Don and all...

A good therapist helps, someone to talk to, someone to share your fears with, someone to guide you through the rough spots and let you get on with LIFE. You might have to talk to a few before you find one that you click with but I really encourage you to take that step if you're ready to do it. It took me 38 years to take that step and I've never regretted it. I'm a much better person now than I was 3-4 years ago. And I'll repeat what I said before. Given what I've been through, I'm as normal as I'm going to get and I'm finding the compassion within myself to allow me to be at peace with that. It does get better, it took a long time for me to take the first step but I could only do it when I was ready to.

Take good care of yourselves, all of you guys. I wish I could say that this is an exclusive club but there are far too many of us out there that have been through this. We have to continue in our support of each other.

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#9732 - 11/02/01 10:01 AM Re: Im Not Gay!!!
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hanging On

I concur with Stever. Therapy does work. I have been going for just over 2 years and it has helped me so much moving down this path of healing. I was very lucky that I have a brother in law who works in this field track down an expert relating to child abuse. I went to her and we connected. It has been a great help in just dealing with normal day problems to go to someone who will listen and guide you. As most of you know, the biggest problem with me was that no one wanted to listen and now someone is and it feels great getting it off you chest.

We are all here to help.

Mike


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