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#9601 - 04/23/03 03:03 PM My Introduction..please respond *warning - explicit; probably huge trigger*
StrangerInAStrangeLand Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/03
Posts: 33
Loc: Puyallup, WA
Hello to all. This is my first post, and I can't decide what I want to talk about, so I guess I'll just tell my story and take it from there. My name is Chris, I'm 16 years old, and last year in August was the time of the worst day of my life. I was walking home from a friends, and a middle-aged man in a black car was sitting in a parking lot just past my street. Realizing I'd gone too far, I looked up, and he said hi. I said hi, and he replied "wanna get high?" Naive as I was, I decided that this was a good idea. He told me to get in the car, and we drove off. He mumbled something about a pipe at his house. On the way, I attempted to make small talk, but he was strangely quiet. We pulled up to a nice little rambler in a suburban neighborhood. We got out and stepped into his room, which was a perfect den of debauchery. I can see it and smell it as I'm writing. There was drug paraphanalia everywhere, and raunchy porno mags on the table. He proceeded to pull out a strange-looking pipe that I didn't recognize. After a few seconds, I realized this was becuase I had never seen a crank pipe. This was the moment I became really scared. I thought I was here to smoke some pot and just chill. He passed it towards me, and I waved my hand in a dismissing motion. After hitting it a few more times, he again handed it to me. I hesitated, wondering what would happen if I refused. I took it, and did my best to mimic his motions. This continued for a few more minutes, and I asked him if he had any pot, desperately trying to change the situation. This question seemed to stump him. After a minute, he said he could get some. After a phone call and more hits of that chlorine-tasting stuff, he mumbles "I'll give you a 20-bag if you let me suck your dick." I tried to say no thanks, but he kept staring and asking again. The look in his eyes paralyzed me. I decided it would be best to go along with it. I picked up a porno mag and sat down next to him. He started fondling my groin and proceeded to suck me off. After I pulled up my pants and had some more fucking crank, he says "You suck dick?" I put up little resistance. At this point, I was absolutely terrified. Of what, I don't know. I just kept thinking that If I just "went with it," things would be okay. I was afraid he might even kill me, although he had made no threat of harm. When I was doing it, I wanted his cum more than anything in the world. I thought If got him to orgasm, he would be done and I could finally get out of there. But after a while he commanded, "roll over." I did, and he raped me. It was the most excruciating physical pain I have ever felt. This cycle repeated again for another hour and a half, after which he finally acquiesced to my comments about needing to be home soon. Before I got out, I made sure he gave me the 20 dollars. I just wanted some small compensation for whatever it was just happened. That is my ultimate shame. There were so many opportunities for me to avoid it all. I could have kept walking home. I could have ducked out the back door of his house. I could have protested more strongly. And afterwards, he paid me like some kind of whore. Well, I have to go, and writing this has been emotionally exhausting. Please respond. I hope to become a part of this online community. Perhaps it will help me find strength.
P.S. If mods, etc. find this post too explicit, please do not delete it. Move it or something. This was very hard to write and I don't know how else to say it.


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#9602 - 04/23/03 03:18 PM Re: My Introduction..please respond *warning - explicit; probably huge trigger*
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Chris:

I can feel your fear and understand your pain. You are in the right place. I too was raped at 16 and am now 62 and still dealing with it. I hid it till I was 56. If you want you can read my post. My Story.

You are in the right place and no one here will judge or condemm you. We are all here to help erach other heal.

Have you thought about going to the police. I mean it does nto matter what do did or did not do the fact is he coerced you and you were terrified. I am sure the police would understand and that your name will be kept out of it.

You are brave to come here to tell your story and I admire your courage

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#9603 - 04/23/03 03:30 PM Re: My Introduction..please respond *warning - explicit; probably huge trigger*
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Hi I agree with Mike, your a very brave young man for being able to share your story. And yes we are here to help eachother. No matter what non of that was your fault. It's easy to second guess yourself where abuse goes. The feelings you are having are a normal reaction to being abused. If you dont want to talk to the police then think hard about seeing a therispt to talk out your feelings. I'm sorry for your pain, and I'm sorry this happened to you.
James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#9604 - 04/23/03 03:43 PM Re: My Introduction..please respond *warning - explicit; probably huge trigger*
Nathan LaChine Offline
Webmaster
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5381
Loc: Washington State
Stranger you did what you had to to live. Hey could of hurt or even killed you if you did not do what he wanted. I have and still do feel shame for what I have done or let be done to me. You where only a child and you did what you had to live nothing more you ahve nothing to feel ashamed of Stranger.


Lots of love and strength, Nathan


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#9605 - 04/23/03 03:58 PM Re: My Introduction..please respond *warning - explicit; probably huge trigger*
Little_E Offline
Member & Volunteer
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 11/14/02
Posts: 169
Loc: London UK
Hi Chris. I'm quite shit at intros. so I will keep it short. Glad u found this site, Its time to move forward and try and make sences of all the shit in the past and the pian you (& all of us) are feeling now! Hope to see you around.

_________________________
If your not livin on the edge your taking up to much space!

DISTUBED VISIONS OF AN UNDERWORLD!!

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#9606 - 04/23/03 05:54 PM Re: My Introduction..please respond *warning - explicit; probably huge trigger*
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
I hope to become a part of this online community. Perhaps it will help me find strength.
P.S. If mods, etc. find this post too explicit, please do not delete it. Move it or something. This was very hard to write and I don't know how else to say it.
Chris, I am sorry for what you went thru & for your pain. This online community is a good place to find strength & safety. Perps have no place here and any who don't know it when they come find out rather quickly!

If you were explicit you weren't the first & won't be the last. As to having a post deleted or even edited, don't worry about that becuz we don't do that lightly. All we ask is for sensitivity according to the guidelines.

Usually, only perps get posts--and themselves--totally deleted from this site!

Take care Chris

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#9607 - 04/23/03 09:07 PM Re: My Introduction..please respond *warning - explicit; probably huge trigger*
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1238
Loc: NY
\:\( Chris, i'm sorry to here that happened to to you. A similar thing happend to me when i was 14-i'm now 21. I cant stress enough that it was a really brave thing you did telling yur story. i still cant tell mine. it is the first step to puting all this shit behind you -so i hear.
anyway glad you found us-sorry u had to though.
take cake care
-Logan


"I'd die on my feet than live on my knees"

_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#9608 - 04/23/03 10:27 PM Re: My Introduction..please respond *warning - explicit; probably huge trigger*
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hello Chris,

You would be wise to report this incident. Someplaces allow people to report a drug house anonymously. If not in your town, then I feel you can still report it. You did iindeed committ a crime of using a street drug. But the police only use that info if you have stuff on you or are acting high.

This is a very dangerous man. You are most certainly not his only victim. If you can bring yourself to do so you should report it to the police unit that deals with sensitive crimes.

Did he offer you $20.00 for the oral sex, or a 20 bag?
It is good to get rid of anything he may have given you that is a controlled substance.

It takes time to get over childhood sexual abuse--but you can do it quicker if you do not become an addict to drugs, porn etc.

Peace to you.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#9609 - 04/23/03 10:39 PM Re: My Introduction..please respond *warning - explicit; probably huge trigger*
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Chris,

You have taken a big step by coming here and posting your story. Keep coming back, read, and write. Get the crap out of your system so it won't poison you.

I think Bob's right about reporting the guy, too. I was raped at 16 (I'm 42) and I wonder whether I could have prevented others' suffering if I'd reported him. I don't like that feeling at all.

Go easy on yourself; you've been through hell.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#9610 - 04/24/03 01:57 AM Re: My Introduction..please respond *warning - explicit; probably huge trigger*
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Stranger - All of us here were strangers at one time but once here, we all share a strong bond!! What brought you here brought all of us here! We are committed to NOT letting our abuses take us down nor keep us back from life. I am glad you found us and that you shared "the secret" at a young age. Many of us held it in for decades but realize that it doesn't just go away...we work at healing and gaining control of our life!! I have found the guys here are pretty open and ready to share and support each other. I hope you find the same!!! Thanks for sharing - come back often!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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