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#958 - 07/29/04 06:11 PM Do I hate myself that much? (TRIGGERS!)
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Just got back from therapy. Eye opening as usual, but painful as well today.

Yeah, I've heard it before, but it seems I have a lot of hatred for myself. Partly from teh abuse, partly from my dysfunctional family, partly from being an outcast as a kid.

Rationally, I KNOW I'm a good person who just as a lot on his back. I've made some bad choices, but I'm a nice, intelligent, friendly, funny man.

But if this is so, why do I keep up with the self-destructive behavior (overspending, cutting, etc.)? Why do I sabotage myself?

Is it possible that I hate myself that much? Why should I loathe myself like that?

Like the line from a Greek tragedy, "Come now, why do you hesitate? Why do you not strike the blows that you wish to? Why is it not that you should despise us as much as we despise you?"

Why do I hurt myself the way the m***********s hurt me?

A puzzlement I have to work on.

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#959 - 07/29/04 08:46 PM Re: Do I hate myself that much? (TRIGGERS!)
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
I think, partly, it may be that we are used to being treated badly, because that is all we have known. Sadly self-hatred is quite common amongst survivors, I know I definately suffer from it. Do I hate those who have hurt me? Of course not, that would be too easy. Instead I hate myself, and 'punish' myself accordingly, whether that be cutting, or in other ways.

But when you get down to it, we don't have reason to hate ourselves, it is not our burden to bear, it is the burden of those evil people (saying 'people' is quite generous) who hurt us as children. We have no blame in any of it, and very very few of us have a real reason to hate ourselves, it is just an after affect of abuse, one that is very hard to deal with and get past.

In a way, I believe the self hating also has to do with us blaming ourselves, even if only subconciously, for the abuse, and for the bad things that have happened to us. I think that since we were hurt so badly, and so repeatedly, that instead of learning the self love that most people learn we learned that hating ourselves is normal, and is what we should do. Maybe it is because of this break from the ordinary that we have such a terrible time, this break tears at us, and keeps pulling us toward self-loathing no matter how far we have moved on. I think that maybe we will always have the 'pull' toward self-hatred, but in time we can become stronger than that pull and can learn to love ourselves, as all people should.

We were taught badly, that is not our fault, we were taught that pain is normal, we were taught that inner turmoil is all there is, not only from what was done to us, but also by seeing the inner turmoil and self-hatred that ratiated (spelling) from those bastards who hurt us so badly. Because I don';t care what anyone says, there had to be some major inner turmoil going on inside of them, I'm not saying we should feel any pity for these evil SOB's, all I'm saying is that it is all we have known, all we have seen, and all we have experienced, so it is not our fault, it is the fault of those sickos who got there kicks by terrifying and using little children.

Sorry this went on so long, but when I read the post all these ideas kept growing like a wild fire.

Peace,
scott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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#961 - 07/30/04 08:46 AM Re: Do I hate myself that much? (TRIGGERS!)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Hi Scot

there's no doubt that you are a great guy........

Making others laugh, great to be with, but still living with the hurt from the past.

The outing, the spending,cutting maybe the only way you have found to deal with so much hurt.

I am sorry my brother

I also think you have the guts to get thru the shit though.......

I wish you well

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#962 - 07/30/04 11:31 AM Re: Do I hate myself that much? (TRIGGERS!)
Aden Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/04
Posts: 499
I don't really know what to say that will be of any help. It is easier for me to love and accept you than it is for me to forgive myself. It is a hard question, and one that we each have to answer alone. But you are not alone in your search for the answers. I am here.(for all that is good for) and there are lots of other folks here who care and have been down this road.

Aden


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#963 - 07/30/04 12:03 PM Re: Do I hate myself that much? (TRIGGERS!)
Dan88 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/02
Posts: 247
Loc: DC
I think you're looking at two sides of the same coin.

Overspending is the way we try to make up for the harm done to us. Sort of like buying a young child an ice cream cone after he falls off his bike.

And the self-abuse is the way we re-enforce the lessons we've internalized about our self-worth -- or lack thereof.

When I was drinking heavily, a good man pointed out to me that I was accomplishing both goals with one act. He said I loved the drink because it was a reward -- my way of compensating for the pain. And I loved the hangover because I believed I deserved to feel lousy. And he was right. I was more comfortable feeling lousy because it's what I knew.

Odd, ain't it? For normal adults, the instinct to retreat into what they know from childhood is a comfort. For us, it's misery.


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#964 - 07/30/04 12:29 PM Re: Do I hate myself that much? (TRIGGERS!)
Mr. Malaise Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/29/04
Posts: 19
Loc: New York
I find I have two ways of thinking; rationally (with the intellect) and emotionally (feeling and then supplying a thought to justifiy my feeling). Rationally I know I am a good person but my emotions tell me different. My emotions are conditioned to tell me I should be ashamed of myself, that I can't do anything right, that I am not worth it. When my thoughts and my emotions conflict there is no doubt as to which one wins. My conditioned emotions are so strong that simple thoughts can't compete. My thoughts give in to the pain I feel and my head believe my emotions. Now my thoughts tell me I should be ashamed of myself, that I am not worth it. My emotions tend to be so strong and powerful they force me to listen. So, I feel them, I cry, I scream into a pillow, whatever I have to do to get them out. They will still be there, but next time - MAYBE not as strong. Eventually my thoughts about myself will compete with my feelings about myself.

Jon


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