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#9418 - 10/02/02 11:58 PM memory burst
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
well this wasn't what I expected to come, but it was a welcome rush of feelings. A breakthrough of sorts. Like a thunderbolt today I was transported back to being 13, living with the perp and for the first time accepted and remembered exactly what was going through my mind; terror, hurt and betrayal from my mother. Okay, not surprising or detailed in terms of events, but a big leap forward for me. I realized how much of those feelings from that time that I was supressing and carrying into my adult day to day in the way of displaced anger, paranoia and irrational fears of abandonment and abuse.
Now it's easier for me to separate then and now and that;s a huge help. I was so bottled up back then. Mister happy-face achiever who couldn't show his feelings of pain and vulnerability to my mother or the perp. A-holes. oops, more anger. Not displaced though ;\)
Wow, there's a lot of anger coming up. I should just jump and go think about it. But it's a good breakthrough - a solid connect with the sad broken child within. Boy is he pissed.
Okay screw it here's what he's saying:
I want to go home but my mom won't take me. I'm trapped, terrified, molested, I need help. I have none. There's NO ONE I can turn to. I'm alone and I can;t deal with this. It's hell. I'm so so so scared and miserable and alone. I have to keep going and going and going and make everybody happy to survive. I'm just living to survive. It hurts worse than anything. worse than the physical abuse. so I'll stick with that. What else is there. Why did my own mother and father abandon me? Am I that bad? I guess so. I'm a lying, neurotic, stealing and sexually degenerate person. Well fuck them. I'll go it alone.

Well I'm there for this kid now. Really there. And in some ways so are all of you. He feels safer coming out into the light. one day at a time.

lol to all out there.

-al

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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#9419 - 10/03/02 02:47 AM Re: memory burst
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
Al, its my turn to give you a big hug across the continent. Sounds like you are doing really good work, and I'm happy for you.

Roy


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#9420 - 10/03/02 01:11 PM Re: memory burst
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
ARW
Have you got a picture of that frightened kid ?

When I got frightened I looked at my picture taken when I was about 12, and I really connected then.
I could lead him by the hand to a safer place.

Be strong
Lloydy

I said "got frightened" that should be "get"
The pictures on the wall behind the computer
\:D

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#9421 - 10/03/02 08:30 PM Re: memory burst
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
good idea lloydy. Thanks.

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

Top


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