Does anyone ever have a huge fear of the unknown? Does your mind race causing you to be depressed at the same time your anxiety level goes on the rise?
I get this almost overwhelming feeling that I am alone. I hate feeling alone. It's such a cold and empty feeling. No matter how far I come in life - I still find that my biggest fear and problem is the loneliness inside. My mind makes things up that scare me. Such as; my wife is out of town on business right now so I start thinking (is she okay - is she coming back - is she leaving me - is she seeing somebody else) all those thoughts my "rationale" mind says are false. But they overwhelm me throughout the day and I get this empty pit deep inside and it's so cold and so lonely that it scares me and is so hard to breathe.

Suggestions about how you all deal with these problems and/or if you even have these problems would be very appreciated right now.
And if "any" of you have time - email me here at gadzook@qwest.net
I can sure use the friends right now.
Thank you all,
Gadzook

Gadzook,
I do feel alone. In some ways, Im not. I do have some close family & friends, and there R people in this forum that I feel understnd me pretty well. BUT, I am alone. I have no significant other in my life, and the way I see it now, I doubt that I ever will. I am too damn scared to get that close to another person. I am not completely understanding it all myself. I just feel that I can't have a relationship that could lead to s-e-x, AND be completely open about my past. It just doestn't seem possible. Not just the fear of being rejected, but my own mixed up & confused views & logic concerning my own abuse. Whoa. Anyways, I hope things get better for you, take care.....

I feel the same way you do all of time. I am completely alone. I find that if I do by chance get close to anyone I am so insecure that I end up ruining it or telling myself "they don't really care about me" or "they just feel sorry for me" or "they really don't want to be with me." I just don't know how to be close to anyone. I don't think I will until I learn to be close to myself.

Buster,
That is something a lot of us deal with every day. Even like myself. I have a person who is with me because she wants to be. She loves me and cares about me. Yet in the back of my mind I find myself uncertain of myself. I wonder if she really wants to be with me. I wonder when she will just up and leave. I can't help but wonder when the hurt and pain will come like all the things that happened to me in the past. Can I trust this person with my heart and soul and life? It's an inner battle. Sometimes I find myself losing. Everyday is a chore to keep my faith in myself and my loved ones. But, it's worth it. To come out of my comfort zone and at least attempt to live a happy life. With the things that happened to me I have to wonder if I am worth even being loved. But then I remember I never asked for the bad things in my life to happen. Why should the people who did the really bad things to me be able to live half-way happy lives while I suffer and am alone? I deserve love and kindness. I know I do.
Even though loving and trusting are out of my "comfort zone" I know I have to do this. I know I have to step outside of that zone. I cannot remain a prisoner to what has happened to me. I can't let the evil take over me and frighten me so much that I miss out on all the good this life has in it. Have I been hurt by stepping outside my comfort zone? Have I made mistakes? You better believe it. And as difficult as that is - I still know that I have to keep the faith and keep striving to pursue a happy life for me. Because I know I am worth it.
Gadzook


[ November 12, 2001: Message edited by: Gadzook ]

guys, I feelthe same way you do. I feel alone all the time. When people do talk to me or have me at their house, I feel I'm just their doing what I should at that time, but I don't feel mentally their or when the session is over I feel I haven't spoken although I have. The last of my brothers and sister last spoke to me 11 Jan. Me being very disabled and gay don't help matters and I really don't know what the fuck is happening or to do. I feel so, so alone and I keep saying to my abuse counselor that I want it all to go away, but it doesn't. I cry so, so many times a day, and things continue to bet more fucked up. I THINK as Gadzook does that I am worth better than what I'm now getting, SO I KEEP ASKING MY COUNSELOR WHY THE HELL DO THINGS NOT GET BETTER? bosishere

Bosishere,
It can be so hard to keep trying sometimes.
We know that no matter how long we get counseling and help that our past will always be there. Of course the help changes how much it affects our day to day lives.
We cannot give up - no matter how difficult it may be now and then. Those times that are the most difficult are the ones that test us the most. Yet we are still here and have not given up. Just look at all we have been through. Each one of us has some differences as to what we have been through. But one thing we have in common is our will to keep going. To not let this take control of us so that we are unable to function in any way at all. Looking back through the past few years I have seen some very difficult days. Yet I made it through them. Today I still have difficult days but - ya know what? They are no where near as difficult as they used to be. I know that I have come a long way in my mind. I know that what I am facing or will face is not ever going to match what I have been through. That alone gives me the hope to keep going and trying and fighting and learning. On the days I feel afraid of my own shadow I look back and remember all that I have already been through and lived through. And with help from friends and the support around me I know that even though I may be miserable right now - that in a little while things will once again look up for me. That is worth the fight. That is worth everything. Knowing that my life from day to day will not always be bad or sad. Many days will be happy and wonderful. That is why I keep trying. To get through the bad and be rewarded with the good..
It's kind of a reward as I look at it. I could look at the bad days and have them destroy me so that I only have the bad. But I struggle and then look forward to the good and little by little and second by second - I get through those bad days. Thank God for the good days. I look forward to them. Looking forward to anything is a real plus in the healing process.
Gadzook

I also think that I should be ok even when I am alone. If not then my happiness is dependent upon whether I feel alone or not. I don't think I will be happy with someone if I can't be happy alone. Is that just wishful thinking?
I also think subconciously I want to be alone. Being unloved is the proof that all of my self-hatred is justified, and I can get back to feeling sorry for myself. At one point in my life I was very aware of my self protectiveness, but I am afraid I have slipped back into the same old destructive patterns. It's impossible to love others and protect yourself at the same time.

Buster

Buster,
I really understand the patterns of self hatred and being self destructive. Those two emotions come from such a giant seed that was planted in each of us - unwillingly.
Self hatred and self blame are my biggest problems. I have to make sure I am not following my old style of living and thinking. It's a chore that is not only worth getting through but necessary. As hard as it is sometimes we all must deal with it.
Do not ever think you are feeling sorry for yourself. I don't buy that from anybody here on this board. I feel everybody here is going through something that has impacted each one of our lives so much that it has almost become another person. Sometimes I feel that we can let our emotions and thoughts become a being in themselves. Taking on true forms which sometimes - sadly defines our identities. Not who we truly are but who we feel we are out of fear and saddness.
Finding positive things about yourself is not easy. I know for a fact. But it is very important in defending ourselves against creating this "other" person that lives inside of us. That's the self hating, self destructive person who is afraid and alone.
Preparing ourselves to come out of our shells and leave our comfort zones is almost key to truly having a productive life. I feel each one of us has the abilities to be open and caring but we find we are blocked by something that sometimes we think is more powerfull than we are. This is just not the case. We are more powerfull than all the emotions and self destructive behavior our brain can think up. If this was not the case we would not be here right now. We would literally destroy ourselves until there was nothing left.
The fact that you even reach out here on this board tells me that you do not want to be alone or that you are completely afraid to open up to people. You do it here - but you do not give yourself the proper credit for it.
It's time we all gave ourselves credit for all the good we do. And also give ourselves credit for all we overcome in the process. We have a strike or two against us already. We need to make sure we don't create the third strike for ourseleves.
Gadzook