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#9278 - 09/02/03 10:54 PM a thought...
midnight51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/02/03
Posts: 138
Loc: Cleveland, Ohio
I'm new to this, and I havn't even started therapy yet. I went once a few weeks ago... vaguely touched on the subject, couldn't even look the therapist in the eyes. Looked down at the ground the whole time and tried to choke back tears that were trying to force themselves out. I start therapy next week sometime. I've been having a hard time just dealing with myself the last couple of weeks considering no one on the planet knows about what happened except that therapist I told. I feel like I've been a waste my entire life. I feel like my life was stolen from me. I feel responsible. I feel unsafe, paranoid, cowardly, angry, and pitiful. I havn't been able to escape myself for the past three weeks. I want to run again like I did as a child, but I know it will only cause more harm in the end. I feel like I'm trying so hard to fight this huge demon inside of me and most of the time he has me around his finger... controlling me, like I'm some sort of puppet. I feel like a PUPPET, like I can't think for myself, like I always need someone there to tell me what the hell to do, like whatever I do is wrong. Blah, enough of that. Enjoy the quote.

"If I let you... you would make me destroy myself. In order to survive you... I must first survive myself. I can sink no further... and I cannot forgive you. There's no choice but to confront you... to engage you... to erase you. I've gone to great lengths to expand my threshold of pain... I will use my mistakes against you. There's no other choice. Shameless now... nameless now... you're nothing now... no one now. But my soul must be iron... cause my fear is naked... I'm naked and fearless... and my fear is naked!" Tool - Bottom

_________________________
http://midnight61.blogspot.com/

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#9279 - 09/02/03 11:42 PM Re: a thought...
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Hey, Midnight, I'm David, welcome.
My heart goes out to you, man. There are times that I'm thrown right back into those times of fear.
This site has been everything for me. As I was telling the guys the other day, my wife thinks that this place has been better for me than any of the therapy I've gotten in the past. That may say something about the quality of my past therapy, but what she meant was, that this place has been a god-send for me.
I hope that you will feel comfortable enough with us to unburden yourself from some of the unnecessary garbage that our perps loaded us up with.
Good luck with your individual therapy and welcome to Male Survivor.

One of the many brothers that you've just been adopted by, that is, if you want us to be your brothers,

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#9280 - 09/03/03 07:32 AM Re: a thought...
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Midnight
At my first therapy session the T asked which chair I'd like to sit in, and I said "the one closest to the f*****k door" So he sat there incase I made a run for it.

But it was still a temptation, just to get up and go. Or wait for the ground to open up beneath me.

But as I gained confidence in myself, and trust in him, I looked forward to my weekly sessions.
I saw results, knew where they were coming from, and went willingly.

But the first few sessions were a close run thing.

Stay with it, it's worth every scrap of effort.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#9281 - 09/03/03 07:48 AM Re: a thought...
MM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/03
Posts: 59
Loc: Canada
I didn't want to go to therapy. My fist day was the worst one, and I hardly listened what he was saying to me, I was so terrified he could rape me or something like that. Of course, he didnít try anything, but in my mind it seemed something very real.

Eventually I came back. In the first sessions we didn't discuss my abuse, weíve talked about my life in general and my relationship with my gf. Yesterday it was the first time we talked about my SA, it was really hard.

Sometimes I think Iím doing the right thing and therapy is going to help me, other days I feel like Iím doing that just because is what everybody expects me to do. I still have mixed feelings about it, but I can't deny it's been helping me a lot with my issues.

As a good friend told me once - the road is rough but it is the only road. So, I'm making the effort.


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#9282 - 09/03/03 08:48 AM Re: a thought...
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Mark: Keep it up brother. The evil that has surrounded you will eventually be cleansed and life will be a whole hell of a lot better. You deserve it.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#9283 - 09/03/03 11:04 PM Re: a thought...
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Welcome Midnight,

Sorry you had reason to come here, although I am glad you found this site.

I look forward to my sessions with my T. I have noticed improvements in myself since I have started the T and coming to this site. After years of trying to hide it and letting it drive me deep into the ground and destroy my life. Now that has ended and I am climbing out of this hole I let it put me into. I can see the flowers up there and can smell them too.

Mark,

You are sounding better. Keep it up and you will be able to smell the roses.

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#9284 - 09/05/03 05:23 PM Re: a thought...
BT Offline


Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 388
Loc: Chicago IL
Hello Midnight and welcome to the journey. You have written the same thoughts and feelings that myself and I think most everone here has started out with.

We have all reached that point where we either had to do something or just quit. Congratulations on your decision to do something. Quitting really sucks, and the fringe benefits aren't so good either.

And yes sometimes, many times, hell, seems like most of the time, we have to start all over again. But every time we start over I think it gets easier and easier to get back to a healthy place and make some progress.

Please stay around here and post and read and let everyone love you and encourage you. This is a great place and I can't promise you much, but I will promise you this, You are no longer alone.

BT

_________________________
"Everyone is entitled to their opinions and it is not my job to change their mind." Dali Lama

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