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#9241 - 04/25/03 12:51 AM Re: The Night of Embarrassment - TRIGGER?
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
Don,
I don't really know what to say other than I hope you can emerge from this a stronger person. Maybe you'll have a clearer understanding of your triggers and in the future you'll know how to handle them better. It's just a thought.
take care,
mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#9242 - 04/25/03 03:14 PM Re: The Night of Embarrassment - TRIGGER?
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
Don, please go easy on yourself.

I think (please note I am using the word think, I do not know, I can not know) you may be upset with yourself because you didn't punish what you see as a boundary violation.

I think you are just finding a way to blame yourself by doing this. You are not to blame and you do not have any part in the problem, especially by not reacting.

I am a person who overreacts to boundary violations, then feels guilty about the overreaction. It seems you are having the same experience, only backwards?

Ah, who knows? I just want you to take it easy on yourself and not to worry.

Peace,
James

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#9243 - 04/25/03 03:25 PM Re: The Night of Embarrassment - TRIGGER?
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi Don,

A little different viewpoint: if I were a patient in your clinic and ever found out that my body had been the joke of the week I would never return and I would let other people know how I was treated.

I am sorry that instructor triggered you. I feel he was very much in the wrong and completely out of place.
I also don't think I would want to have a massage in a space where people could walk by and observe me. Doesn't the client have some rights to privacy there?

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#9244 - 04/25/03 10:38 PM Re: The Night of Embarrassment - TRIGGER?
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Mike,
I hope I can emerge as a stronger person. This is an issue that I need to resolve for myself. I will continue to just try and own what is going on within myself right now and see where it leads me.

James,
I'm not totally sure why everything is hitting me the way it is on this. Maybe with some time, I will be able to sort through all of this, but it kind of looks like muddy water right now.

Bob,
I totally agree with you on this and we are taught different than this instructor displayed. That much I want to get across to him. The situation I am describing occurs in our 'student clinic'. Basically it is a big room with curtain dividers (like you would see in a hospital). If you are tall enough, you can see over the top a little. The main instructor we have for clinic does come in and out of the curtain made cubicles. And the clients that come in for this do know what to expect because they are told what is going on. A different situation than it would be if we were doing this on our own. I guess they have to mix the teaching with the real world some how. I just didn't want everyone thinking it was a totally open inappropiate place as we do try to honor and respect everyone. I would definately prefer a much more private place than we have.

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#9245 - 04/25/03 10:45 PM Re: The Night of Embarrassment - TRIGGER?
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
I hope everyone doesn't mind me continuing on with this thread but you are all helping me process this stuff.

Tonight I went to a Yoga class that I try to go to as much as I can. Believe me, it ain't easy for me! The affects of the paraylsis and abuse that still resides in the cells of my body play a major role in how I am able to do the Yoga. But tonight I really noticed how much my body was holding tight and holding back from moving, especially in my legs. My legs were the first things to go when I was paralyzed and I know it has a lot to do with being frozen in a early abuse situation and not being able to run. In fact I was just reading more about this the other day. Anyway, my legs just don't like to move well although I can walk and get around just fine. They just don't stretch and they aren't relaxed and flexible.

It is frustrating to me and I told the lady that teaches these classes about how I was getting mad at myself for not being able to move tonight. She said, just accept what your body allows you to do because if you get mad at your body, it will become weak. That kind of hit me hard but it makes sense to me. There is still a lot of forgiveness that I need to do with myself because I think I still blame myself for being that kid who was speechless or frozen in that moment even though I mentally know there was nothing I could do (not when you are 5 years old).

Anyway, I guess the Yoga class as frustrating as it was gave me some good information to work with. So for now, I will just add that information to my bank of information in my body and hopefully before long, the puzzle pieces will fall in place.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#9246 - 04/26/03 08:52 AM Re: The Night of Embarrassment - TRIGGER?
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
It is frustrating to me and I told the lady that teaches these classes about how I was getting mad at myself for not being able to move tonight. She said, just accept what your body allows you to do because if you get mad at your body, it will become weak. That kind of hit me hard but it makes sense to me.
Don, my friend, thanks for the epiphany!

I get so frustrated with my body not doing what I want it to do with this damned fibromyalgia.

Lately things had been going so much better with all my increase in activity, doing more water aerobics classes, etc.

Now, the last couple few weeks or so my body has been fighting shutdown, along with my feelings.

So--please pardon the sick & ***possibly triggering*** pun--I've gone back to beating up my body, abusing it in anger for not "working right."

The results? You guessed it: My body is weaker than ever becuz I am not accepting what it will allow me to do and I'm getting mad at it, at me.
Just like your wise yoga instructor said.

This only makes it harder to deal with the mental & emotional & spiritual stuff that's also been coming up lately...

Quote:
There is still a lot of forgiveness that I need to do with myself because I think I still blame myself for being that kid who was speechless or frozen in that moment even though I mentally know there was nothing I could do (not when you are 5 years old).
Don, I am finding lately that I still need to do a lot more self-forgiveness than I thot. As a good friend has just told me, I have some deep grief work to do.

"Frozen."

Don, this makes me think of what I've been reading recently (in "The Body Bears the Burden: Trauma, Dissociation and Disease" by Dr. Robert C.
Scaer) about the freeze animals & humans go into in trauma when they can't fight or flee.

The animals instinctively do things to discharge the freeze & thaw out. Humans, becuz of our
"superior intellect" aka stinkin thinkin, our emotional & societal hangups, tend not to do this.

So we get frozen in time, the time of the abuse for us survivors.

That seems to tie into what some say about us getting stuck somewhere in the emotional age of our abuse.

Don, maybe it's something for you to think on.

Me, I'm convinced that thru therapy (maybe more intensive) and probably also some good body work,
I need to work on a freeze discharge.

Otherwise I'll continue to struggle with these shutdowns. Thankfully I've not totally shutdown like in years past--yet.

I better crawl somewhere & thaw!

Thanks Don. TC & TTYL

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#9247 - 04/26/03 12:38 PM Re: The Night of Embarrassment - TRIGGER?
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Victor,
Ahhhh, I'm not the only one that experiences this. I do thank you for sharing what you did.

I am reading a book right now called "Compassionate Touch" by Dr Clyde W Ford and he references the same thoughts that you were sharing in your post. Of course his premise is that these points in our life where Trauma happened are locked in our bodies and through body work and movement, we are able to become aware of these things. Once we become aware of these things, we can then release the power held within them. One of the things that he brings up is how movement and body work can help us heal in so many ways by just bringing the awareness to our bodies.

I think you are right about getting stuck at the emotional age of our abuse. I keep telling people I feel as if I am only about 15 now but my abuse/neglect started when I was a baby.

This week has been one of those "growing pain stretches" and while it will most likely yeild a lot of good, whew.... I'm tired!

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#9248 - 04/26/03 12:59 PM Re: The Night of Embarrassment - TRIGGER?
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
Victor,
Ahhhh, I'm not the only one that experiences this. I do thank you for sharing what you did.
No, and I suspect there are more out there. Thank you for starting this thread.

Quote:
I am reading a book right now called
"Compassionate Touch" by Dr Clyde W Ford and he references the same thoughts that you were sharing in your post. Of course his premise is that these points in our life where Trauma happened are locked in our bodies and through body work and movement, we are able to become aware of these things. Once we become aware of these things, we can then release the power held within them. One of the things that he brings up is how movement and body work can help us heal in so many ways by just bringing the awareness to our bodies.
Clyde's premise sure makes sense to me. I have at least one other male survivor friend who has this book. It might be worth my getting.

Quote:
I think you are right about getting stuck at the emotional age of our abuse. I keep telling people I feel as if I am only about 15 now but my abuse/neglect started when I was a baby.
Yeah my abuse, sexually, started 2 or 3 maybe younger. It ended, at least in an overt sense, when I was 11. I seem to have been stuck somewhere in between there when I began recovery, maybe 8 or 9. But I feel I've grown at least into mid-adolescence somewhere--tho sometimes I wonder!

Quote:
This week has been one of those "growing pain stretches" and while it will most likely yeild a lot of good, whew.... I'm tired!

Don
Ditto my friend. Let's both take it easy on ourselves ok?!

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#9249 - 05/14/03 12:11 AM Re: The Night of Embarrassment - TRIGGER?
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Update:

My therapist and I talked about this entire episode the other night in our session. It was amazing that when I was talking about what pissed me off in this matter, she said my voice and body posture portrayed it. Then as I began to explain things and talked about the other side of this instructor, my body posture and voice changed to portray this as well. It was like I saw the event, was triggered and all I could see was the face of my father as well as all I could hear was the voice of my father. However in therapy, I was able to switch gears and see that this instructor was not my father and there was a big differance. Hope I'm not over simplifying this too much but it makes sense to me.

Anyway the outcome of therapy was to try and talk to my clinic instructor and get her support, than talk to the instructor that made the comments. My therapist coached me to talk about how things made me feel instead of just making it into an accusatory situation.

So last Saturday I talked with my clinic instructor and she totally agreed with me on everything I was saying. Oh how that feels so good to be listened to, believed and respected (never got that while I was growing up). She however did tell me that it was my responsibility to talk to the other instructor which is correct and the best thing for me. But that part went well and I felt good after it. Of course up until that point and all the way through clinic, my body was present but my mind wasn't and my massages sucked that day!

Monday night I was a little pissed off over the test that this other instructor gave us and so it was the perfect time to talk to him. I need a little bit of anger to get myself to the point of talking to him and I just wanted to get this over with. I didn't want to keep thinking about it and going over and over it in my mind. So after class I walked up to him and jumped right in! I didn't accuse him or anything like that but in plain, unemotional straight forward terms told him that the statement he made upset me and made me angry. I told him I felt it was disrespectful to the client, to myself and to the clinic. I told him that I felt the use of this phrase to me was derogatory in every way. Of course he was a little shocked I think and did listen to what I said. He said he would try to be more sensitive to these things and didn't realize that what he said offended me. Ok, maybe the guy doesn't have all the people skills he needs, but at least he listened.

It cleared the air and I felt empowered afterwards, stronger, more assertive and like a big weight had been lifted off of me. I don't know of too many times when I have done this type of thing as I usually just run from the situation but I really kicked serious butt in this situation and did it in a very respectful way. I think he heard me well and I didn't shrink within myself but held my head high and strong.

Still kind of riding cloud nine on this one.

But like my therapist said, it is ok to get triggered and not know what to do. That's ok because we are human and the little boy in me says hey, you stood up for me, I think you're pretty special. So the adult in me stood up for my little boy and said, damn it, I'm not going to let anyone hurt you and the little boy is doing plenty of high fives right now.

You know the event that triggered me was one (after I have thought about it) that the adult was scared. I didn't know what to do. So the little boy says, hell I've been through this many times before and I know what to do... withdrawl, hide, get quiet, escape. And the adult in me says, ok, I don't know what to do and you do, so take care of me. In reality the adult should have taken care of the little boy when it happened. Maybe the adult will know more how to do this when it happens again.

Man, I'm learning.... so much from my little boy inside of me!

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#9250 - 05/14/03 12:54 AM Re: The Night of Embarrassment - TRIGGER?
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Don,

Thanks for the update and for the very insightful & empowering post my friend. WTG on handling a tough situation without compromising yourself yet with a lot of class & grace!

I bet your massages will be even better now too!

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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