Newest Members
JACKL, Personman, SiegmundNYC, TheGreatWhat, MyNameIsPaul
12488 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Alpha (49), AYounglove10 (23), joanne (27), justme62 (52), pontifixmax (44), royjay (46), Steve S. (48)
Who's Online
4 registered (Doubter, Bluedogone, 2 invisible), 19 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12488 Members
74 Forums
64154 Topics
447640 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#90 - 07/31/01 05:35 PM strength......need advice
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
i'm looking for advice.......i've decided i no longer want or am not able to deal with this life anymore.....is there a medical person out there who could advise me which medicines i have would be the most effective in stopping my heart.....i have congestive heart failure.....i'm 42, 6', 240 lbs......i have about 25% of my heart left......can anybody tell me which of the following drugs would be the quickest and least painful way to do this.....i fear becoming a vegtable.....i have 1500 mg of metatoprol, 900 mg of zestril, 8 mg of lanoxin......which should i take, or should i take them all at once???????? i also have lasix, aldactone, pravochol and celexa but i do not think these would serve my purpose.....please respond back as soon as possible....thank you for your time and consideration......michael........you can e-mail me at mikedow24@hotmail.com.....thank you.....


Top
#91 - 07/31/01 07:58 PM Re: strength......need advice
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
I hear your desperation Michael, as do others on this site. Aside from this page are you alone right now? It sounds like you need to not be alone, especially now. Are you in a hospital?
I know for me when my body is assaulted by disease (diabetes and a degenerative back ,for me). Deep down I feel like my body has been re-victimized and it is betraying me ...again. If I had recieved the information on my health as you have I would also be depressed and overwhelmed and I think justifiably so. It needs some recovery time.
You deserve to be held and comforted in your terror. All I and others can offer you here are caring words.
Does your dr. know how fearful, depressed and suicidal you are? He needs to hear this from you. You don't need to suffer this pain in solitude. You have many hearts here that can hear loud and clear the pain in yours. call a hotline and talk to someone.
------- Please be loving and gentle with yourself
-------------------------- RJD


Top
#92 - 07/31/01 10:27 PM Re: strength......need advice
Anonymous
Unregistered


Michael,
I responded to your email....please check.. I am here for you as these wonderful people have been here for me. We are wonderful gifted people who have an opportunity to heal...allow that process to begin for you...I need you to be here for me...


Top
#93 - 08/01/01 11:08 AM Re: strength......need advice
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
thank you for your responses.....i am totally alone right now.....just like most of my life.....i know i'm getting closer and closer to doing it....the 20th anniversary of my father's death is friday.....that just seems like the right day for me to join him, if you believe in such things.....i do not.....my doctor does not care....i am a miserable person, i do not deserve to live......i do not want to live......i cannot and will not go back into the hospital again.....it will do no good.....if anybody knows about the effects of these medicines, please e-mail me..........i need to be successful at one thing in my pitiful life.....thank you.....


Top
#94 - 08/01/01 12:16 PM Re: strength......need advice
thunderbolt Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 119
Loc: mi
I DONT BELIVE IN SELF KILL BESIDES I DONT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT I WAS MADE A VAMPIRE MANY YEAR AGO,IT IS TRUE THAT BEING AMONG THE LIVEING IS DIFFICULT, I OFTEN WISH GOD WOULD CALL MY NUMBER AND GET ME THE FUCK OFF THIS PICE OF SHIT WORLD BUT I WATE, SOME TIMES I THINK ITS THE PROMISE HE MADE THAT IN THE END WE GO TO HEAVEN,GOD I HOPE THATS TRUE,TILL THEN IT IS NOT UP TO ME TO END GAME SO EARLY, IF IT WERE ID BEEN DEAD THE MOMENT HE GOT HIS COCK IN ME BUT IT GOT SO BLACK IN MY HEAD AND THE RYTHUM OF HIS TRUSTING I COULD NOT FIND THE GAME OVER BUTTON,SOMETHING WAS KEEPING ME THERE ,,,WELL THAT ALL FOR NOW.....


Top
#95 - 08/03/01 03:38 PM Re: strength......need advice
Anonymous
Unregistered


I was ready to commit suicide last Sunday, but called the suicide hotline. They weren't really helpful, but decided not to commit suicide. Things have gone a little better this week. They are far from perfect, as my life is still a mess, but I feel that I made some progress this week. Sometimes you just have to hang in there.


Top
#96 - 08/04/01 01:22 PM Re: strength......need advice
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Hey Mikie,
I think that you should improve yourself not kill yourself, besides all those piss poor drugs wouldn't even get me high...I mean what the fuck! I didn't have sex with anyone myself for 20 years after being raped 100's of times...I couldn't. I finilly had to force myself to do it. What would be better to force yourself to have sex with someone or kill yourself....I know that's it hard but the first time always is! Now I would kill myself if I could never have sex again. Sex is a very stronge drug if used right. Why kill yourself before you try all the help that you can find...not having sex with someone else is what is killing you!
I wanted to die big time..I got to the point where I couldn't even cum by jacking off much-less getting hard enough to do my wife! This went on for 3 months...what was doing it? The starting of the flashbacks of being raped. I had dissocated while being raped which came back in flashbacks 11 months ago...your mind has to be very heavy to dissocate...most people just remenber being raped after wards and forever. After you have the flashbacks you remember forever!!!!
Now this don't work for everyone but it did for me and a lot of other men that had been SA when a child. What matters a lot is the age that you were abused...before or after you were sexually developed....under 13 or over 13... or both like me. SHIT...maybe that doesn't matter...WHATEVER ! Most men that were sexually abused are drawn to the part of their body that was abused. I was drawn to passive anal sex..wanted to be fucked to death! Found a guy close by that wanted to fist me so I let him...It didn't kill me..I loved it! Now my wife does it to me..lucky to have such a good wife to do this...most can't handle this and run away!!! It is easy to find someone on the net to have sex with...can be anything that you want..pay if you have to... BUT PLEASE DON'T KILL YOURSELF BEFORE YOU FORCE YOURSElF TO HAVE SEX...ANY KIND OF SEX WITH ANOTHER PERSON !!!!!!! Don't know why but the pain in my ass from being fisted takes away the pain in my mind...I mean it is gone...for days...up to a week of relief!

Act it Out!
Eddie


Top
#97 - 08/05/01 03:57 PM Re: strength......need advice
Anonymous
Unregistered


The suggestion of forcing sex or "fisting" bothers me a lot. I have been very uncomfortable with some of the messages on the board lately, so am going to see about cancelling my membership.


Top
#98 - 08/06/01 09:03 AM Re: strength......need advice
Anonymous
Unregistered


Scott, I hope you don;t cancel. I always like your posts and get alot out of them.


Top
#99 - 08/06/01 03:17 PM Re: strength......need advice
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
GetEddie,

I'm not trying to come down on you, or scare you away. We're all here to heal ourselves. And you were willing to post your ideas on something that you felt helped you. So please take my comments in the same "trying to help" frame of mind.

Regardless of whether Scott has decided to stop coming here, doesn't it seem unhealthy to "force" anything, especially sex?

There are some things that we "should" do, because they are acts that promote healing. And some of those things are things that we may find uncomfortable. So, yes, encouragement is necessary. I've even quoted from Three Kings "You do the thing you're scared shitless of, and then courage comes after you do it. Not before you do it."

But in the context of your message, it sounds like you've got a sex addiction. I would agree that is better than killing oneself. But is it HEALTHY?

Any activity, done too much, can disrupt a person's quality of life. Whether it is drugs, gambling, or even sex, if the quest to find these things takes up an inordinate amount of your time, and the rest of your life suffers, then you need to look at it, long and hard.

Addiction is the problem; it doesn't matter what the addiction is to.

Expressing the pain, whether by writing, doing art, or working out ("building yourself up" as you said) is a constructive way of dealing with the pain of the abuse. "Act it out" is simply replacing one abuse for another.

J
We're all in this together

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

Top
#100 - 08/06/01 05:23 PM Re: strength......need advice
babs Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/01
Posts: 59
Loc: Cub Hill, MD
Everyone,
I think that everyone missed my point completly. Sure, I'm addicted to sex..sure I have different ideas on living as a survivor. Where I grew up there were 10 of us smaller kids that got raped by 20+ older kids and men. This went on for years because our folks were a bunch of drunks or Peds. Now out of the 10, 7 took their lives, one is a junkie and one will not talk at all. So here I am the only real survivor out of the ten. When someone says that they want to kill themselfs I take it for real...not knowing that this person or others do this all the time, when I heard this it happens...I become triggered...death is very real to me. Do I want to help stop it or make it easier? I have seen so much death that I feel someone killing theirself is real and mostly unstopable...are they posting this because they feel down and want everyone to say..hang it there, take one day at a time, and all the little nice things that you say all the time. Is it OK to say something different...like if you are going to do it don't be a fuck up and suffer slowly with bad drugs...you got 25% heart left...go out with a smile on your face while having sex for the first time in your adult life!!!! I DON"T PLAY GAMES WITH DEATH!!! Maybe no one here wants to hear anything but this hang in there crap, maybe I am too rough and tough to be here...if so have the Web Master "DELETE ME NOW" !
Last year I had to go to a Phy. Hospital for safety..I hated all men and wanted to kill them. I starting picking fights with bigger guys and kicking their asses...why?...because I wanted them to kill me. I didn't screw around with a handfull of drugs...I would punch out a 350 lbs black guy to get him to kill me. OK, here's one for you..what does the 1% mean on a biker's arm...99% of all people are bullshit...all mouth and no action. I thought that I had found a real place with real men. I got tired of hearing all the girls whine in the other sexual abuse grougs. What I found that both don't have balls big enough to even tell their stories...don't you think that a person has to "FORCE" theirselfs to do this in order to recover or heal? I have to force myself to eat...I'm so upset with this abuse crap that I can't even eat, sleep, whatever. Sex addict, when the flashbacks started I couldn't even climax for 3 months and still can't get hard...what the fuck is this? Yes, I have been to 3 dick doctors..tried all the drugs...need a painfull operation for a pump up dick implant...yea like I would love to do this...no, I will force myself to go through with it. For me...some, I like our sex the way it is but my wife don't and wants me inside of her not the other way around.
Everyone here doesn't want me to say it like it is....so...If Mikie really is going to off himself...he should not use piss poor drugs...He should fuck himself to death !!!!!

Good Bye
Eddie


Top
#101 - 08/06/01 05:26 PM Re: strength......need advice
babs Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/01
Posts: 59
Loc: Cub Hill, MD
Sorry this is not Babs this is her nutty old man Getteddie...I didn't notice that she was not signed out.

Good Bye
Eddie


Top
#102 - 08/06/01 05:43 PM Re: strength......need advice
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
I didn't realiz I was on a high horse when I wrote that. I'm sorry.

I do get your point, Eddie (now). What's the point of writing here, if we can't speak our minds?

I'm sorry for your losses.

J

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

Top
#103 - 08/06/01 07:59 PM Re: strength......need advice
abcd Offline
Member

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
Hey Michaelb!

Why now? After all this time, why now? Seriously, I must ask you why give up now?

Look, I've thought about suicide too--I've even seen it with an old friend's suicide a few years back. I think that everyone in this forum has thought about the exact same thing you have. Even at 22, trust me I have been through enough hell myself. Death is certainly no stranger to me. I've attended too many funerals to count. Most recently, I felt it in college with the unexpected death of a good friend. Of all the deaths that I have seen, this hit me the most and made me realize its permanence. There is truly no going back. If you've ever had any dreams before (travelling all over Europe, having a certain profession, or just beating this), you will have essentially crushed ALL of them along with any meaningful relationships you have made.

After years of dealing with this and meeting all sorts of people, I've realized that my life is not the worst one at all...I look at this planet of 6 billion people. Surely there are many people just like you and me but have even dealt with even additional problems--like torture, war, prostitution, poverty... How must they handle it? I even just consider the fact that I have a chance to do this...that I have access to a computer to anonymously find help for abuse and I realize how fortunate I have been. How many others out there do not even have that much?

Look, man...Surely, you have seen "downs" before--I mean look at how long you have been living with the abuse. How can you let the abuse win now, when for so long you have beaten it and said "no"? I mean you've been on this forum for months now, and you know deep down that you don't want to give up. Don't give in, man. I don't know how long it will take you or I to finally beat this thing, but one thing I do know is that if we give up we would have already lost.

I don't care how cheesy it sounds..."hang in there, man"...I think you know deep down that you want to get up again, and fight on. So please do it and get a hold of your life again \:\)

[ 08-06-2001: Message edited by: abcd ]


Top
#104 - 08/07/01 07:53 AM Re: strength......need advice
bosishere Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
abcd, I thank you VERY MUCH for this post. What you write is SO HELPFUL TO ME, and I believe, a lot of others of us on these two web pages - male surviivors, and gay survivors. Calling it "the end of life" is a VERY, VERY DIFFICULT SUBJECT to all people, but to us having been abused, it is especially difficult. Again, thank you, and if possible, please e-mail me direct, so I cound send you a note direct. bosishere@yahoo.com bos


Top
#105 - 08/07/01 08:18 AM Re: strength......need advice
Anonymous
Unregistered


Mike, if you do it, you let that fucker win. DON"T LET HIM WIN. Man, it would be like he;s screwing you again. That sounds harsh but it;s true. The best thing you can do is live a good life despite what happened to you. Don;t dwell on it. GO out and find something that makes you feel better. Go buy something, go call a friend, go do something for someone, anything, and start to take back your life. Any time one of us lets our lives get fucked up, we let them win. When we think about killing ourselves or someone else we let them win. When we let them take our family away from us we let them win. I want to be able to say Wayne you did this to me but I got past it and carried on, FUCK YOU WAYNE! I don;t know what your family is like but you have friends here and we;d miss you.


Top
#106 - 08/08/01 12:15 PM Re: strength......need advice
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Mike,
Sorry for the rough talk...been a rough few weeks...need two operations and hate the hospital too. I've been seeing one doctor after another. What I wanted to say today is that I think we all want to be dead at times. I think that the hardest thing that I have ever done is to not kill myself in the last year. I still can't find one reason to stay alive except to take care of my wife and child. Every week when I see my therapist he asks me if I've found a reason to live yet and I say hell no! He is freaked that I will be his first to kill theirselfs! I have a contract to tell him before I do it...it makes him feel better. It is very hard for a man to live with memmories of past sexual abuse! Everyone knows how you feel, it's hard work to stay here.

Eddie


Top
#107 - 08/14/01 02:34 PM Re: strength......need advice
thunderbolt Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 119
Loc: mi
hard to stay is the easy part just sit down and your there, i think waiting to get the hell out of here is the bitch of the part, waiting around, the longer he makes you stay the more shit you have to put up with, fucking people have to be interacted with, take an other breath dam still here, and dont forget, dont hurt others feelings,,,
the list for waiting can go on forever,the list to stay is there,dam i hate waiting for him to call my number,get me the fuck out of here before some other bullshit happens.....


Top
#108 - 08/14/01 04:31 PM Re: strength......need advice
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hewy everyone. I realy appreciate ALL of your posts. They really speak volumes about how much we all care for one another, even if we may disagree or feel uncomfortable about some of what we share.

I'll jhust add one thing that has helped me tremdndously since one of myt therpists said it to me about 7 years ago. She said the folloiwng:

REMEMBER! As painful as it may feel now, it is now JUST FEELINGS! The actual abuse was far worse, yet we are still here...we survived! What we are now dealing with are the feelings left behind that we have bottled up for years because we were not yet ready to deal with them. The fact that these feelings are emerging now means that we -- our minds, our bodies, our psyches -- are now ready to deal with them! they do not come all at once. Instead, they bubble p over time at a pace that we can handle, even if feels overwhelming. Even that feeling of being overwhelmed is an old feeling that we CAN get through!

REMEMBER: We survived the abuse, so we can certainly survive the emotional fall out that is finally coming out...and as we feel the pain and shame and anger, etc, and slowly let it all go, we heal and open up internal emotional space for other more positive feelings like joy, excitement, happiness, love, etc...

Love and continued healing to you, MichaelB, and to all of us!

LanceC


Top
#109 - 08/14/01 07:37 PM Re: strength......need advice
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1300
Loc: Northern Ohio
Sorry LanceC, I do not agree. It is NOT 'Just feelings". The frick'in horrible FEELINGS are driving many of us Insane. When the abuse occured, U can reason that there is a logical reason Y U feel like shit. But now, without the physical abuse occuring, all we R left with R those Damn FEELINGS! And they're non-coporeal. They're an "after image". Like the blue dot u see after a flash, U can see, but cant grag it. These "Feelings" are real in that sort of way, and they hurt, I suffer still, even after 20 yrs.

_________________________
Everyone is a genius! If you were to judge a fish, by its ability to climb a tree,
it would think it was stupid all of it's life.
~Albert Einstein

Top
#110 - 08/15/01 03:14 PM Re: strength......need advice
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
I think I "get" what the therapist meant about "just feelings" because feelings are temporary. But many of the decisions we make based on those feelings have a lasting effect on our lives.

The feelings we've had are a defense mechanism, and at one time, they were a good indicator that something bad was coming (whether or not we were able to do anything about it).

But if those feelings of distrust, are coming when we are with our significant other, or someone for whom trust SHOULDN'T be an issue, then the usefulness has worn off.

These feelings are here because they helped once. If they are no longer helping us, then we have to work it out, so that we don't get those feelings in inappropriate times. They now get in the way of healthy ways of being.

So keep doing your therapy, keep sharing here or with trusted friends, find constructive ways to express your pain, instead of destructive ones.

Dangit, I have to go now. I think I hit most of the main points, but there were a few more lingering thoughts here.

Take care, all.

J
We're in this together.

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

Top
#111 - 08/15/01 05:04 PM Re: strength......need advice
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
everyone,
i don't know about theses feelings not hurting anyone. in my hood it killed 7 out of 10 that were sa. i have flashbacks that are very painfull, sometimes i can't eat for days afterwards...just like not being able to eat for days after being raped when i was 12. the pain is very real...ask anyone who is flashing.

eddie


Top
#112 - 08/17/01 08:58 AM Re: strength......need advice
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
JUST WANTED TO LET PEOPLE KNOW THAT I DID NOT SWALLOW THE PILLS AND WAS ADMITTED TO THE HOSPITAL FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS....THEY CHANGED MY ANTI-DEPRESSANTS AND I'M FEELING BETTER.....i still think about suicide, but i realize it is not the only answer....it may be the ultimate answer for me, but it is not the only answer right now.....i've also returned to therapy....we'll see how it goes......michael


Top
#113 - 08/17/01 01:20 PM Re: strength......need advice
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
michael,

thanks for letting us know, i have been worried about you, i hope thinsg start smoothing out for you real soon, dude, you got friends here, ok? you can talk to us, ok?

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

Top
#114 - 08/19/01 01:16 PM Re: strength......need advice
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi. I want to clarify my earlier post about feelings. I apologize if I was not clear.

I did not mean to imply that the feelings are not REAL. They, are, indeed. The pain is excruciating, the fear terrifying, etc. I have experienced it, I've had the flashbacks and still do from time to time, I've spent hours and hours weeping or panicing or wanting to hide in a whole because of deep pain, fear and shame, etc. I never meant to imply that the feelings are not real.

What helps me is to remember that feelings need not be life-threatening, and that I CAN feel the feelings and still be OK, in the end. The pain actually subsides, over time, as I allow myself to feel it and process it. So does the fear and shame and all the other very powerful, very REAL feelings.

YES, the feelings are ABSOLUTELY REAL. The difference for me today is that NOW, I CAN ACTUALLY CHOOSE WHAT TO DO ABOUT THEM. I have some choices about how I respond to my feelings and what actions I take. I had no such choices when I was being abused.

It is not the feelings that are killing people. Rather, what kills many survivors is the choice to kill oneself, in one way or another, as a response to the feelings. Many survivors just can't find their way out of the sometimes overwhelming pain and shame and fear, etc. It is not their fault, just a horrible tragedy.

I realize this may sound harsh, but I believe it is the truth...at least it certainly is for me. My feelings cannot kill me. Only my response to them has the potential to kill me. For example, I can choose to bottle up my feelings instead of feeling and expressing them, and then letting them go, and that can affect my heart and blood pressure and lead to my death. I can choose to have compulsive and unsafe sex with lots of people and then die of AIDS. I can choose to buy a gun and shoot myself so that I no longer have to feel the pain, etc. These are all response over which I DO have a choice, even though sometimes the feelings cam be so powerful that I am unable to see that I have a choice or to make a more healthy choice.

I am not blaming or judging people for their choice to commit suicide...lord knows, i have often wished that I would get sick and die so that it would all be over -- the feelings, the loneliness, etc... I feel deep sadness and sympathy for those who choose death over life, because I know that they just could not see or get past the powerful and often overwhelming feelings, and because I mourn the tragic loss of a precious human being. It is terribly tragic that our abusers left such deep wounds that for some survivors, the only way out seems to them to be death.

JUST CALL ME J: Thanks for your comments. I learned the same thing in my recovery, and remembering it is really helpful! Trying to develop new responses that work for me today is a critical part of my healing and recovery...thanks again!

Again, I apologize if I upset anyone by being unclear. I hope this clarifies my meaning. If someone still disagrees, that's cool. I can only share my own experience, strength and hope and what has worked for me. There are certainly many, many paths to healing and recovery. The key is to find what works for you.

Thanks all!

LanceC

[ August 19, 2001: Message edited by: LanceC ]


Top
#115 - 08/19/01 01:27 PM Re: strength......need advice
Anonymous
Unregistered


MichaelB: I am really glad that you are back in therapy, are doing better with your meds, and still with us. Please keep in touch here and via email. I am with you, buddy.

LanceC


Top
#116 - 08/19/01 01:50 PM Re: strength......need advice
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1300
Loc: Northern Ohio
LanceC, Thnks for your post. I understand now. Very well put. ;\)
BL

_________________________
Everyone is a genius! If you were to judge a fish, by its ability to climb a tree,
it would think it was stupid all of it's life.
~Albert Einstein

Top
#117 - 08/20/01 01:34 PM Re: strength......need advice
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
Lance: I find it funny that YOU are thanking ME! I thought I was just restating your own ideas. Heh heh heh! You did a beautiful job of clarifying what you meant. Thank YOU.

Now, those "lingering thougthts" I mentioned before. I've mentioned elsewhere that I've suffered a lot of loss in the last 5 years (it used to be only 3 years; I forget how time moves on...).

The event that started it all, was when my 18 year old cousin committed suicide Thanksgiving weekend in 1996. 6 weeks after, my grandfather died, and several people (5 or 6 others, at least) who were in varying cicles of influence around me also died over the next year. I eventually had to shut out the feelings of loss, because it became too much.

Dealing with my cousin had to come first, and the reactions in my family covered the gamut. My mom was very angry with Daniel, at his "selfishness" for taking himself from the rest of the family. I could not muster up any anger towards my cousin. The only feeling I was left with, was a great sadness for how it must have been for him, when he thought that killing himself was the only way left to deal with his pain.

I had not gotten to know him very well, in the time that he was maturing, in high school. I was off at college, doing my own thing, while he grew from a child to a young man. I felt severe loss at his death, but it couldn't really have been for the loss of our relationship. It seemed to be a "loss of innocence" for my family (this was the side of the family that WASN'T marred by decades of abuse, btw). I saw the way the pain, slowly and quietly, ripped my various family members apart on the inside. I always saw the brave faces of my uncle and aunt, knowing how the emotions must be churning inside. I worried for my other cousin (Daniel's brother) since he had gone through rehab just the previous year. I watched as I spoke to my dad about MY feelings, I saw my dad's lip quiver like he was about to cry; when I hugged him, it was clear that dad wanted the hug over with as soon as possible. He was not going to deal with his pain around me; he was going to hold it in.

OK, now that I've depressed everyone, what is my point? The grieving process is similar, no matter if you're grieving the death of a loved one, a divorce, or the loss of your childhood from SA. All the feelings you feel are normal, and they make sense. We're not crazy! But we have to actually face up to our feelings, dwell in them for awhile, but ultimately recognize that these feelings last only for the duration we feel them; they are not a permanent state.

Eventually, we will feel new feelings, and believe it or not (and yes, it may take a long time to get to this point), JOY IS POSSIBLE AGAIN!!!

So the most important part of these feelings is HOW WE RESPOND to them, not THAT we feel them. The intensity of them tells us how important they are to deal with.

For awhile before my current job with little kids, I worked with teens in a group home. I met some very bright kids, who were also suicidal. Maybe not acutely suicidal (though I had my share of dealing with those); but the ones that thought about it for days, weeks, years. One remarkable kid had to go through dialysis for the last several years, but you could see the weariness in him. He had this impishness to him that probably kept him going; as long as he could fuck with people, he had some joy. I've lost touch with him; I hope he started taking the classes on Computer Animation he talked about. If I ever get word that he actually killed himself (or even that his body finally gave up on him) I know I will be grieving for him.

We all have people that love us. Look around here at the other posters to this forum. I could be selfish, and say that I don't want to feel the pain of losing any of you, but I don't have control over that.

I want everyone here to be able to heal from the pain inflicted upon them by others. I want everyone here to get their revenge by a life well lived. I want everyone here to be a part of ending the cycles of abuse that included us. I want everyone here to take the lessons they've learned by living through hell, and making the world a better place through your wisdom.

Oh yeah, and I also want a million dollars!

Since all this is out of my hands though, I'll just have to continue to live the best life I can, and do MY part to do the things I mentioned above.

J
We're in this together.

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.