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#8953 - 10/23/05 02:56 PM Addressing Loneliness as a Key to my Healing
sonlite Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/01
Posts: 100
Loc: North Carolina
Good Sunday Morning -

1. I am realizing that a huge component of my abuse and feeling like a victim has to do w/ Loneliness. I was an easy target bc I was lonely. Loneliness Hurts. And some of things that have happened to me when I was a lonely boy, hurt. And yet despite that hurt, even still today I find myself thinking about wanting to be in situations which could be potentially hurtful, just to 'explore', to satisfy a need.

2. There is a tall woman w/ a pretty smile in my life I could ask out. She has gone out of her way to introduce herself to me, twice. There is a man I met who I could ask out and get to know, to see if I could have an emotional (not just sexual) relationship w/ a man. I have work friends, church friends and volleyball friends.

3. The feelings of Loneliness are the worst on Sundays; I guess due to connecting Sundays to 'the priest'. I have a 'fail safe' which engages and keeps me from really indulging in unsafe behavior. But the feelings of Dis-connection and Loneliness persist.

4. I don't have to feel Lonely. I just don't have a real person to talk about my deep-down feelings to. It would be so beautiful to have someone to talk to who is Real and tangible (not 'a dissociated part'in my head), and not a therapist.

5. Time to close the computer-window of gay porn which was looking so inviting a few minutes ago (now I just feel sad). Time to get ready for church (not the church I was abused in) Time to smile and pretend I have it all together. I usually go running after church, but alas, running alone. This Loneliness hurts more today. What am I supposed to learn from this?


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#8954 - 10/23/05 07:54 PM Re: Addressing Loneliness as a Key to my Healing
sonlite Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/01
Posts: 100
Loc: North Carolina
Me Again ...


1. Ok its like 2:30 pm local time and I am still in the boxers and t-shirt I slept in. I talked on the phone this morning w/ a woman from church who I have a crush on, but who likes someone else, then I got depressed, skipped church and have been looking at the gay porn since 11:00 am this morning and chatting. I won't allow myself to hook-up so I just chat, tease and run.

2. I feel sick and dirty and turned on and confused and I want to accept that this is just a phase and accept myself and still love myself and not let myself be dragged away into some sick and scary place where it takes me days to recover myself (whoever that is). My roommate suddenly came home a few minutes ago and my heart was terrified as I tried to in a rush, close down the gay-sites. My roommate is some Bible thumper who if he knew I was thinking about anything gay, might ask me to leave. He wouldn't understand that I was abused and that this happens sometimes.

3. I am metaspiritually and psychologically resisting something, by getting in a stupor in this behavior. Resisting accepting something or resisting feeling something. Part of me wants this. Loneliness Hurts; Alot.

4. I'll leave my roomate to his NASCAR and go upstairs to my room to ponder and maybe cry. I could've predicted this 'phase' based on the past experiences of when I have begun to talk about 'the priest' in therapy. But this time I am NOT going back into my intellectualism defense. This time I am facing it all. And I Commit to Love myself no matter how low this process may take me.


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#8955 - 10/23/05 09:15 PM Re: Addressing Loneliness as a Key to my Healing
Born to Resist Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/30/05
Posts: 269
Loc: Southern California, USA
Feeling lonley only makes me feel worse about the SA. It's gotten worse as I've gotten older. I'm 33, below average to average looking, and have only had one girlfriend since I was 17. Like Sonlite I soooo want to have someone to love and be intimate with to my partner in life. I don't know how much of being without someone is that I'm not that ideal guy most women look for or how much of it is the effects of my abuse. The end result is that I'm lonely. I've managed to get by with "friends with benefits" type of relationships. Now that my friends and family members my age are married and/or have children I spend a lot of weekends by myself. When I don't have my friends with benefits to occupy my time its very difficult and I can begin to spiral. I try to spend less time with my friends with benefits so I can have time to start a real relationship but so far nothing.

I know that I am not alone in the sense I have friends and family who are there for me and will listen to me if I call them. I'm very grateful for them, but there is still a different type of loneliness they can't fulfill. I want to have a relationship that leads to marriage and kids someday. I want something more to look foward to other than another lonely evening spiraling with the negativity of the abuse by myself.

As always I have hope but each year that goes by it disappears just a little bit more ...

And as Sonlite points out it seems to just make that much more difficult to recover from my CSA.


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#8956 - 10/24/05 12:56 AM Re: Addressing Loneliness as a Key to my Healing
AuthenticMe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/10/05
Posts: 287
Engaging with my feelings of solitude/loneliness are a major part of my recovery. As an only child who lived far away from my father with my mother most of my life, I have always felt "alone."

The shame accompanying the CSA and the shame of not revealing the CSA have compounded my feelings of loneliness. I have disclosed to my mother, my father, my g/f and a few close friends, but I still feel lonely. I remember going to parties and clubs as a young adult in New York City and feeling incredibly alone despite being surrounded by hundreds of people.

I know that when I feel less alone, I'll feel much better. I have alot of support now, but it'll be even better when I can open up to more people. That doesn't mean I have to tell everyone about my past, but that I recognize that there will be great benefits from genuinely allowing people into my life rather than setting up so many boundaries.

_________________________
I am a Man.

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#8957 - 10/24/05 01:00 AM Re: Addressing Loneliness as a Key to my Healing
sonlite Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/01
Posts: 100
Loc: North Carolina
1. Thank you for responding BornToResist. I am uncertain about what to say. Everything I could think of seems trite and not-able-to-touch the level of sadness you conveyed. Let me see what comes to mind when I don't think and just type.

2. Loneliness is maybe part of the healing, if it is a force which motivates a person who has already survived, to reach inside oneself to give a hug and a smile within, just before a step is taken to share a smile and a kind comment w/ someone on the outside.

3. I don't know if that made any sense or not, but its what came out.

Thank You Again for Responding, your comments made the day less lonely.


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#8958 - 10/24/05 01:11 AM Re: Addressing Loneliness as a Key to my Healing
sonlite Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/01
Posts: 100
Loc: North Carolina
1. Thank You AuthenticMe for mentioning engaging the feelings of solitude and loneliness. I often tend to want to numb those feelings. Thanks you also for mentioning the effects of Shame. You made a good point about how feeling Lonely can have nothing to do w/ how many people are surrounding you. I suppose that is the Shame part.

2. It is a fine line and perhaps a different place for each person to find, to learn how to open up and receive support and care, w/out hemmoraging ones story. Ultimately none of us is just our story. In the big picture every survivor here has strengths and wisdom and grattitude when we allow ourselves to see the good in us.

3. Sounds easy enough and encouraging enough to say. Perhaps it really is easy.


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#8959 - 10/24/05 01:17 AM Re: Addressing Loneliness as a Key to my Healing
AuthenticMe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/10/05
Posts: 287
sonlite,

Your response (see #2) made me realize that so much of my self-isolation has to do with lack of trust and betrayal. I am afraid that if I open up to support, I am making myself vulnerable, which feels less safe.

In a session with my T I once had the realization that we are at our strongest when we are most open to the world. My attempts to control my existence and only allow "safe" people in has been too narrow a filter. I am committed to the process of allowing more and more people in as time goes by. Coming to MS was a step in that direction.

_________________________
I am a Man.

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#8960 - 10/24/05 11:50 AM Re: Addressing Loneliness as a Key to my Healing
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
This is a really powerful thread. Thanks, Sonlite, for starting it, and the rest of you guys for the really honest and painful responses.

I have often felt this strange ache and now I can see it's loneliness, perhaps rather a feeling of solitude or "otherness", so perhaps it's worth mentioning here.

I can so identify what Authentic Me says:

Quote:
I remember going to parties and clubs as a young adult in New York City and feeling incredibly alone despite being surrounded by hundreds of people.
I would go to parties and feel so out of place I would just get as wasted and high as I could as quickly as possible. That I could share. Not that this helped, of course. I just drifted into a circle of other self-destructive people.

Since starting to deal with all this I have disclosed to a small circle of people: my wife and daughter, some other family members, a few close friends. That always helps. But as soon as I am out "in public" it is back to battle stations. After awhile I feel exactly like Sonlite:

Quote:
It would be so beautiful to have someone to talk to who is Real and tangible (not 'a dissociated part' in my head), and not a therapist.
Not to lecture or moan to, but just to be "real" with. Like coming out of a store and saying to the person you're with: "Man, I'm so glad to be out of there and not being touched and bumped around." Instead I just gulp and keep going. Today I welcomed 27 new students to our department and afterwards I was thinking, I wonder how many of them have gone through what I endured and are now suffering in silence. Who can I talk to about that? No one, at least not right then and there, and in fact not until I get back here. Even when I am talking to my wife I think: I bet she's sick of hearing all this, and wonder if I should retreat.

I wonder do we ever stop feeling like outsiders? Or freaks? Or whatever? Will I get back to being just Larry, or do I get only as far as as "screwed up but now more or less healed" Larry?

I can see me at some point offloading the feelings of shame and insecurity and even the guilt. But this feeling of "otherness", I just don't know. Sometimes I wonder if a "just plain ordinary Larry" actually exists somewhere in me (if that's how I should put it), or ever will. It's not like I want to forget everything; I don't, and I know that even if I did that isn't going to happen. What was done to me will always matter to me; isn't that how it should be?

I guess I just wonder sometimes if I'm not just playing a huge cruel joke on myself.

Take care,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#8961 - 10/25/05 05:28 AM Re: Addressing Loneliness as a Key to my Healing
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Wow,

sonlite, Born to Resist, AuthenticMe, Larry, I have so been there!

It continues to amaze me how all you guys are like me in the emotions you express and the fears you have. It's sort of like I've come home, you know? I've finaly found people who know and understand me. Larry where's that handkerchief you were wiping tears with a while ago? Bring it over here will you?

Courage,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#8962 - 10/29/05 04:38 PM Re: Addressing Loneliness as a Key to my Healing
JAAY Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/04
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC
WOW....

It is like you guys have looked inside of me. I am feeling lonely but I am also hopeful. In recent days when I get depressed about not having a wife, family or messing up friendships and career (It is a huge burden but I will be the victor) I have been able to place the blame with the bastard who abused me. I talk and scream outloud and allow myself to be pissed off with him. I mourn all that has been stolen.

I now realize that I must make a slow, steady upward march and recover all that seems lost.

THANK YOU AND REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE THE GREATEST!


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#8963 - 10/29/05 11:02 PM Re: Addressing Loneliness as a Key to my Healing
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2258
Loc: Maryland USA
This is a great thread. Thank you, sonlite, for starting it.

Loneliness is a big problem for me these days. My kids are gone half the time to be with their mother, and I'm in this too-big, too-empty house. I try to find places to go and things to do, but most of them turn into browsing the bookstore and reading more about trauma.

I don't know how I will be able to talk about all of this stuff with a woman. In the last year and a half I've been able to tell people, new people and people I've known a while, that I'm a survivor. I don't know how I'll be able to talk about what that feels like, what its effects have been on my life. I haven't felt the pull of porn, but can you imagine saying, "I was sexually abused as a kid but when I used to stay up all night I wasn't surfing porn?" What woman hearing that wouldn't want to get to know me better? If we go down the "checklist" of effects and common coping mechanisms, what do I say when we get to the ones I did use? Or the ways it continues to affect me today?

Yeah, I know if you guys had the answers the thread wouldn't be here, right? ;\) I'm probably just in a mess right now with my family being torn apart. One thing I have learned in the last couple years is that things can look one way one day and very different another. As JAAY says,
Quote:
I now realize that I must make a slow, steady upward march and recover all that seems lost.
Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#8964 - 10/30/05 02:43 AM Re: Addressing Loneliness as a Key to my Healing
sonlite Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/01
Posts: 100
Loc: North Carolina
Hello everyone -

1. I just checked back here to find a collection of amazing posts!

2. I can offer a note of encouragement in that yesterday at work, I sorta stumbled into the office of a woman co-worker who usually hassles me in a funny way about my wardrobe bc I am color blind and I ask her if what I'm wearing matches that day. Anyway after working there for years now, we talked more and I shared more about my story, and she shared how her husband has a truckload of abuse/survivor baggage and that she was able to see past it all to the courageous man her husband really is.

3. I nearly cried just from accepting that there really are Kind, Graceful and Understanding people out there if we can be courageous enough to allow ourselves to accept the gifts that are out there waiting for us.

4. I didn't indiscriminantly start blabbing to a near-stranger, but I did take a risk w/ a work friend, when I talked about more than just if my socks matched colors. And I ended up getting a miracle of mind-shift in return.

5. In my bath-meditation time tonight I thought about:
(a) to say "I am FEELING Loneliness" vs. "I am lonely"
(b) Whenever I feel Loneliness to consider that emotional energy as being "homesick for myself".

Hopefully that makes sense and can encourage someone.


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#8965 - 10/30/05 03:08 AM Re: Addressing Loneliness as a Key to my Healing
AuthenticMe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/10/05
Posts: 287
Wow, Sonlite. What a great affirmation about loneliness. I'm so happy to hear you took a risk that was rewarded.

Outis, I'm no expert on what's appropriate to disclose to a partner. I'm blessed with a wonderful girlfriend who has forgiven me for all the things I beat myself up about. I think it says alot that you even recognize your coping mechanisms. I get sad when I think of all the survivors out there who don't have that insight or who have acted out so drastically that they've ended up in a place where they can't heal.

_________________________
I am a Man.

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#8966 - 10/30/05 03:17 AM Re: Addressing Loneliness as a Key to my Healing
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2258
Loc: Maryland USA
AuthenticMe,
Quote:
I think it says alot that you even recognize your coping mechanisms.
Thanks. I needed to read that tonight.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#8967 - 10/31/05 03:27 PM Re: Addressing Loneliness as a Key to my Healing
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
HOMESICK

Loneliness, is what I feel
when I disconnect with myself

Loneliness is what I feel
when I miss my self'.

People,
they didn’t cause it,
neither can they heal it.

It remains
my choice.

Loneliness
is what I feel
without me.

What my soul feels
without me.

I am homesick
for love
and I am homesick
for my self.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#8968 - 11/01/05 01:56 AM Re: Addressing Loneliness as a Key to my Healing
sonlite Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/01
Posts: 100
Loc: North Carolina
Morning Star -

1. This is a great post and it fits w/ something I have been agitated about all day. My therapist mentioned last appointment, that I am homesick for a connection w/ my inner Divine nature and likewise a connection w/ who I refer to as God/Source/Universe when I am feeling Lonely. She also agreed that loneliness was a choice.

2. I got pretty agitated about that theme bc since my abuser was a 'priest', I am scared to death of letting my heart be vulnerable w/ God ... even as another part of me prays and cries to God when I feel overwhelmed. And I emailed my therapist and fired off this piece about how priest abuse makes it harder to find faith and likewise makes one Lonelier because how can you have faith to connect w/ your own self or others if the whole bleepin' Universe is unsafe?

* Intellectually I know 'the priest' was not any kind of ambassador or representation of God.

3. When I am scared of God I don't know any tricks to magically change it and I am not sure I 'should' just magically change it . So I ride out the storms of Loneliness and Feeling not-invited to participate in life and I fuss and cuss my way through, to times when I feel better.

4. Its hard to explain, but it is important to me to have my moments of Loneliness and Anger towards God, for the very reason of seeing to make sure God is not going to abandon me or hurt me. And when I see that fire and brimstone and bad luck doesn't kill me and that I still receive little miracles in spite of my anger, then I learn to trust God a little more and to feel a little less Lonely the next time.

Or, in other words, I have studied a lot lately on Attachment Theory and Attachment problems in abused and neglected children and I feel like I never got my Divine attachment needs met and therefore I have a sort of Reactive Attachment to God/Source/Universe. And I am trying to test God by getting Angry to see if God really is safe. I believe if I resolve that God and the Universe really is safe then my Loneliness will lessen dramatically


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#8969 - 11/01/05 02:52 AM Re: Addressing Loneliness as a Key to my Healing
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
I wish I could show you how running changed my life when I needed it most. The people were the greatest benefit. The physical exercise was the second best thing for me, and what I did with the energy of that experience were life changing.
It didn't bring me through to recovery and health but it saved my life.
You see, I was "done" with therapy in '77, only 10 years before anyone knew that there was a connection to CSA and mental health.
So, if you can run, ride a bike, watch a bird, pick up trash, trim Ivy...go find those other folk who do the same for outdoor activity. You'll meet some of the nicest people you've ever met.
I'm into a different phase now, REAL therapy,

I'll let you know what pulls me through this phase when I find it.

Excellent thread

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#8970 - 11/01/05 03:04 AM Re: Addressing Loneliness as a Key to my Healing
sonlite Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/01
Posts: 100
Loc: North Carolina
Hey Ivanhoe -

Actually I am a swimmer 3-4x/week and an ocassional runner. Swimming is more solitary but I count it as my meditation time. I often have major spiritual-like experiences when I run and I can like talk out loud to God and so I haven't felt like giving those moments up to want to find other people to swim or run with. But I get your point which is to be active w/ other people.


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#8971 - 11/01/05 09:47 AM Re: Addressing Loneliness as a Key to my Healing
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
What God said to me

One day I met God
and he said to me,
Son, why are you angry with me?

First I didn’t know what to say
Then it came to me...
You never came for my rescue,
Whatever I was going thru
you never had any clue.

So I decided to cut you out
of my life.
I decided to throw you out
of my sight.

But did it help? He asked me.

First I didn’t know what to say
Then it came to me...
Each time I threw you out
I threw myself out too.
each time I cut you out
I cut myself out too.

Why did it work that way?

He smiled and said.
Son, When you'll find yourself
you’ll find me.
And when you'll love yourself
you'll love me.
..............

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#8972 - 11/01/05 12:43 PM Re: Addressing Loneliness as a Key to my Healing
sonlite Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/01
Posts: 100
Loc: North Carolina
Morningstar -

*** #3 Might Trigger ***

1. I don't know if these are your original poems or not, but they are touching my heart. I am sitting here at 0620 local time waiting for my morning coffee to brew and I want to crawl back in bed and cry ...

2. ... bc I want a family so bad and my nickname here "sonlite" was invented when I was deep in a fundamentalist kind of church but I like it still bc I want so much to be a "son" of God or included in some way in the Great Family. And I feel like I was abandoned by God in the moments I needed help most.

3. That I am even breathing here writing this might be proof enough that I wasn't abandoned by God bc I survived the abuse and the rape, and I even survived almost drowning in the ocean, but no one talked to me and I began to experience Loneliness and a "Left Behind" concept of myself.

Coffee is ready and so I have to reign it back in and focus on getting ready for work. "Please don't Leave Me, God. I am Here and trying to listen and learn the best I can".


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#8973 - 11/01/05 09:02 PM Re: Addressing Loneliness as a Key to my Healing
Born to Resist Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/30/05
Posts: 269
Loc: Southern California, USA
Any relationship with God is a hard one especially when you been abused. Its difficult at times maintaining a relationship with a God that I have abandonment issues with. This thread reminds me of the time in my life I was sooo angry at God ... late at night I jumped in my car with a baseball bat and heard off and break into church. I ended up throwing the bat at the outside of the building and ultimately broke down and cried on the ground.

I focus now on my spiritual relationship. Sonlite you mentioned having spirituality and meditating through swimming. That's what I'm talking about. Maybe its nature, maybe its watching children play ... but a connection that touches and nurtures your spirit. I try to focus on connecting with my spiritual self or connecting with other spiritual things in this world. Like the Native Americans who believed in the a sense of connecting with the world around them. In a sense ... connecting with everyone here on the board ... there is a bond ... we give to each other a spiritual gift to each other ... one of healing ... one of strength ... we find strength ... our spirits are stronger for what we have found here ...


Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality


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#8974 - 11/02/05 12:22 AM Re: Addressing Loneliness as a Key to my Healing
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
Morningstar,

What God Said To Me - WOW!!

Very Powerful. Puts into words what I felt many years ago.

_________________________
My Story...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

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#8975 - 11/02/05 04:49 AM Re: Addressing Loneliness as a Key to my Healing
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
God Morning!

Show me your light
give me a sign
I said.

I waited for years,
I waited with tears
yet nothing happened.

And then
one day
it happened
The light came into me
It shined thru me.
yet I knew
it was me.

I guess
He was waiting
for me too.
As he said to me,
Good to see you again,
my friend.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#8976 - 11/02/05 05:45 AM Re: Addressing Loneliness as a Key to my Healing
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
The Reason behind Darkness

One day, I wondered,
there must be
some reason to this darkness.
some logic to this pain.

And then it came to me
only when I had seen
the depth of darkness
Did I pursue the light.

Only when I had seen
all the pain
Did I pursue joy.

Only then did I knew
what was important
and what was vain.

Sitting in the twilight
I would have never wished
for the light.

For only when I was
in the middle of my night
that I longed
to see the sun.

.......
I bow to you,
all the fellow
light travellers.
You have been
my inspiration
in the middle of the night
and at dawn.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#348355 - 12/17/10 08:44 AM Re: Addressing Loneliness as a Key to my Healing [Re: Morning Star]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
both very nice actually wonderfully written poems

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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