This is a great thread. Thank you, sonlite, for starting it.

Loneliness is a big problem for me these days. My kids are gone half the time to be with their mother, and I'm in this too-big, too-empty house. I try to find places to go and things to do, but most of them turn into browsing the bookstore and reading more about trauma.

I don't know how I will be able to talk about all of this stuff with a woman. In the last year and a half I've been able to tell people, new people and people I've known a while, that I'm a survivor. I don't know how I'll be able to talk about what that feels like, what its effects have been on my life. I haven't felt the pull of porn, but can you imagine saying, "I was sexually abused as a kid but when I used to stay up all night I wasn't surfing porn?" What woman hearing that wouldn't want to get to know me better? If we go down the "checklist" of effects and common coping mechanisms, what do I say when we get to the ones I did use? Or the ways it continues to affect me today?

Yeah, I know if you guys had the answers the thread wouldn't be here, right? I'm probably just in a mess right now with my family being torn apart. One thing I have learned in the last couple years is that things can look one way one day and very different another. As JAAY says, Thanks,

Joe

Hello everyone -

1. I just checked back here to find a collection of amazing posts!

2. I can offer a note of encouragement in that yesterday at work, I sorta stumbled into the office of a woman co-worker who usually hassles me in a funny way about my wardrobe bc I am color blind and I ask her if what I'm wearing matches that day. Anyway after working there for years now, we talked more and I shared more about my story, and she shared how her husband has a truckload of abuse/survivor baggage and that she was able to see past it all to the courageous man her husband really is.

3. I nearly cried just from accepting that there really are Kind, Graceful and Understanding people out there if we can be courageous enough to allow ourselves to accept the gifts that are out there waiting for us.

4. I didn't indiscriminantly start blabbing to a near-stranger, but I did take a risk w/ a work friend, when I talked about more than just if my socks matched colors. And I ended up getting a miracle of mind-shift in return.

5. In my bath-meditation time tonight I thought about:
(a) to say "I am FEELING Loneliness" vs. "I am lonely"
(b) Whenever I feel Loneliness to consider that emotional energy as being "homesick for myself".

Hopefully that makes sense and can encourage someone.

Wow, Sonlite. What a great affirmation about loneliness. I'm so happy to hear you took a risk that was rewarded.

Outis, I'm no expert on what's appropriate to disclose to a partner. I'm blessed with a wonderful girlfriend who has forgiven me for all the things I beat myself up about. I think it says alot that you even recognize your coping mechanisms. I get sad when I think of all the survivors out there who don't have that insight or who have acted out so drastically that they've ended up in a place where they can't heal.

AuthenticMe, Thanks. I needed to read that tonight.

Joe

HOMESICK

Loneliness, is what I feel
when I disconnect with myself

Loneliness is what I feel
when I miss my self'.

People,
they didn’t cause it,
neither can they heal it.

It remains
my choice.

Loneliness
is what I feel
without me.

What my soul feels
without me.

I am homesick
for love
and I am homesick
for my self.

Morning Star -

1. This is a great post and it fits w/ something I have been agitated about all day. My therapist mentioned last appointment, that I am homesick for a connection w/ my inner Divine nature and likewise a connection w/ who I refer to as God/Source/Universe when I am feeling Lonely. She also agreed that loneliness was a choice.

2. I got pretty agitated about that theme bc since my abuser was a 'priest', I am scared to death of letting my heart be vulnerable w/ God ... even as another part of me prays and cries to God when I feel overwhelmed. And I emailed my therapist and fired off this piece about how priest abuse makes it harder to find faith and likewise makes one Lonelier because how can you have faith to connect w/ your own self or others if the whole bleepin' Universe is unsafe?

* Intellectually I know 'the priest' was not any kind of ambassador or representation of God.

3. When I am scared of God I don't know any tricks to magically change it and I am not sure I 'should' just magically change it . So I ride out the storms of Loneliness and Feeling not-invited to participate in life and I fuss and cuss my way through, to times when I feel better.

4. Its hard to explain, but it is important to me to have my moments of Loneliness and Anger towards God, for the very reason of seeing to make sure God is not going to abandon me or hurt me. And when I see that fire and brimstone and bad luck doesn't kill me and that I still receive little miracles in spite of my anger, then I learn to trust God a little more and to feel a little less Lonely the next time.

Or, in other words, I have studied a lot lately on Attachment Theory and Attachment problems in abused and neglected children and I feel like I never got my Divine attachment needs met and therefore I have a sort of Reactive Attachment to God/Source/Universe. And I am trying to test God by getting Angry to see if God really is safe. I believe if I resolve that God and the Universe really is safe then my Loneliness will lessen dramatically

I wish I could show you how running changed my life when I needed it most. The people were the greatest benefit. The physical exercise was the second best thing for me, and what I did with the energy of that experience were life changing.
It didn't bring me through to recovery and health but it saved my life.
You see, I was "done" with therapy in '77, only 10 years before anyone knew that there was a connection to CSA and mental health.
So, if you can run, ride a bike, watch a bird, pick up trash, trim Ivy...go find those other folk who do the same for outdoor activity. You'll meet some of the nicest people you've ever met.
I'm into a different phase now, REAL therapy,

I'll let you know what pulls me through this phase when I find it.

Excellent thread

David

Hey Ivanhoe -

Actually I am a swimmer 3-4x/week and an ocassional runner. Swimming is more solitary but I count it as my meditation time. I often have major spiritual-like experiences when I run and I can like talk out loud to God and so I haven't felt like giving those moments up to want to find other people to swim or run with. But I get your point which is to be active w/ other people.

What God said to me

One day I met God
and he said to me,
Son, why are you angry with me?

First I didn’t know what to say
Then it came to me...
You never came for my rescue,
Whatever I was going thru
you never had any clue.

So I decided to cut you out
of my life.
I decided to throw you out
of my sight.

But did it help? He asked me.

First I didn’t know what to say
Then it came to me...
Each time I threw you out
I threw myself out too.
each time I cut you out
I cut myself out too.

Why did it work that way?

He smiled and said.
Son, When you'll find yourself
you’ll find me.
And when you'll love yourself
you'll love me.
..............

Morningstar -

*** #3 Might Trigger ***

1. I don't know if these are your original poems or not, but they are touching my heart. I am sitting here at 0620 local time waiting for my morning coffee to brew and I want to crawl back in bed and cry ...

2. ... bc I want a family so bad and my nickname here "sonlite" was invented when I was deep in a fundamentalist kind of church but I like it still bc I want so much to be a "son" of God or included in some way in the Great Family. And I feel like I was abandoned by God in the moments I needed help most.

3. That I am even breathing here writing this might be proof enough that I wasn't abandoned by God bc I survived the abuse and the rape, and I even survived almost drowning in the ocean, but no one talked to me and I began to experience Loneliness and a "Left Behind" concept of myself.

Coffee is ready and so I have to reign it back in and focus on getting ready for work. "Please don't Leave Me, God. I am Here and trying to listen and learn the best I can".