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#8857 - 10/01/02 12:18 AM Approval
Daid Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/16/02
Posts: 10
Loc: Ontario
Every time I come into the chat room and want to chat about something, there always seems to be someone with a bigger problem then mine. Something that needs more attention then what I need. I know not of any other place to ask this....so I'm asking here. Can you guys relate to the constant need for approval? Everything I seem to do is based around the constant desire and need for approval. IF I don't feel like I've got peoples approval, then I feel out of control. This is REALLY getting the way in my life. That need for approval, ultimately leads me to a need for power, as when I'm in power, I feel like I've got peoples approval. It's driving me nuts...I don't even know why I'm like this. Someone...insight?!?!?!

Dave


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#8858 - 10/01/02 01:10 AM Re: Approval
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
Dave,

It is a natural thing to want to be in control. Your perp took that controll away from you. S A (sexual asualt) is not sexual ....... it is control. As for going into chat and everyone being busy. It is O K to let it be know that you need to talk. Several of the guys will be in a private chat with someone as well as in the survivors room and the lobby.

Hang in there. This battle we are fighting is a tough one. I am scared as hell about facing each one of my perps in court ..... but I also know that in the end it will be worth it. I will have shown them that I have taken the control that they took from me back .... and NOW I AM IN CONTROL. Just remember to take it one day at a time.

John

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

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#8859 - 10/01/02 02:51 AM Re: Approval
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
For me needing approval is about about or related to being shame based.
Feeling so flawed that I felt I needed to apologise for breathing air. I've felt
so unloveable, so dirty and flawed most of my life. I was always
guaging my mothers moods and needs.
She taught me to do that by witholding her love and reminding me that she
was all I had. She would even threaten suicide.I was her romantic confidant and more. By being there for what she
needed, my needs remained insignificant. It was because of her endless
neediness that I learned to be needy. She was one of my perpetrators.
I believe that when we don't get our needs met as a child, we grow up
with a hole in our soul that we try to fill the rest of our lives. It is like
the black hole in outerspace that just sucks up all matter. Unlike that
black hole we can learn to fill this hole, this emptiness, for ourselves.
As I see it this page helps me in that way by all the unconditional love that is
offered. I've learned to accept the love of my own wife and children.
Check out John Bradshaw's book, HEALING THE SHAME THAT BINDS YOU.
----- I need to go to bed, goodnight
----- be gentle with yourself
----- RJD


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#8860 - 10/01/02 03:42 AM Re: Approval
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
I completely relate to what you are saying about the constant need for approval, and diminishing my needs in the face of others. Just as RJD indicated, it is related to deep internalized shame. I strongly recommend the Bradshaw book as well. We feel so empty and unworthy that we constantly need external validation which only leads to more emptiness and the cycle repeats itself. It is long slow process learning to be internally validated and to come to the realization that control over anything but your own behavior is an illusion. Yet we spend countless years and vast amounts of energy trying to gain control over other people and situations, incorrectly believing we will then be safe. Also, speaking for myself but I'm sure others can relate, I have driven people crazy as I try to control everything. It is exhausting, useless, and very lonely. There is no better way to keep intimacy out of your life than being a control freak. It is scary and difficult to let go of the pursuit of control, and I think it is essential for genuine healing to take place.

The first part of the Serenity Prayer:
God, give me the courage to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

This helps keep me focused on myself and working on what needs to be addressed within, thereby feeling better about who I am and less in need of the approval of others. It also helps me to accept others for who they are and where they are in their current state of evolution.

Hope this helps and welcome to the site. Glad you found us.

Roy


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#8861 - 10/01/02 09:50 PM Re: Approval
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
speak up to a moderator who can possibly try to keep the room on a topic...or focused. As a moderator i tend to not do as good a job as i would like in this area. Please let moderators know what you need and want. I will try to help and be more focused.

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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#8862 - 10/02/02 12:54 AM Re: Approval
Daid Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/16/02
Posts: 10
Loc: Ontario
Orodo,

It's not about moderators not keeping discussion on topic. It's about my feeling like other peoples needs are bigger then mine. That I can get by, just be quiet and listen or leave. Please don't feel that it's about you though

Dave


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#8863 - 10/03/02 12:07 PM Re: Approval
New to this Offline
Member

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 138
Loc: Mississippi
Wanting approval and fearing rejection have both been a problem for me. I've developed Post & Delete Syndrome. I post something wanting approval and acceptance, but I 'm so scared of being rejected or ignored that I delete the post almost imediately. I'll try and leave this one.

_________________________
"Knowledge itself is power" Francis Bacon

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#8864 - 10/03/02 01:02 PM Re: Approval
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Post - post AGAIN.
And keep posting.

It's what makes this site so good, new faces and ideas.

Lloydy ;\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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