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#881 - 04/23/04 05:44 PM New
Voldie Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/22/04
Posts: 2
Hi...

I'm new here, and a bit nervous... I'm not sure exactly what to say, but I need to speak to people who would understand.

I'm seventeen now, its been 5 years since what would be a single experience. That's a long time for me, but I've gone through therapy for depression, treatment, and recovery without confronting my problem-- I guess what would be at the root of everything.

I live with my two parents in a stable home, and am the youngest of three boys. I have a stable relationship with my girlfriend whom I've been seeing for 2 and a half years. I just don't know what to do, and the particulars of my experience are embarrassing. I'll state them simply since I sat here for five minutes just now wondering how to go on. When I was twelve, and under the influence of drugs, my cousin's friend forced me to have sex with her. I remember the experience with disgust and hatred, but usually just shame.

My girlfriend knows, and has known for a while, the particluars of... well... that, and she's very understanding for which I am thankful. As well my mother knows which I confessed to her almost a year ago. She seems reluctant to speak of it, ask about it or even acknowledge my pain. I think she's either embarrassed or doesn't want to think its true. It hurts that she doesn't even talk to me about it. Is it because its been so long? Or because I waited to long to tell her? I don't get it.

And then my girlfriend, who, after an awkward explaination, understands my position on physical boundaries. She is kind and strange like I am, but I can feel her sometimes gently pushing me. I know she wants to have intercourse, but I really am reluctant to, I really don't want to-- I guess I'm afraid to. She's the only woman I feel safe around and I don't want to lose that. But I don't want to make her unhappy, or make her feel unloved.

I guess I'm just wondering... after I've been 'healed', why do I still hurt? When will I let myself move on? And why does my mother refuse to talk about it?

It feels good to finally speak about this. I've read a lot of posts and you guys seem like very caring, understanding people. Thank you for at least reading.


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#883 - 04/23/04 06:19 PM Re: New
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
I don't know how long it takes to heal. All of us here are still doing that. I can tell you this. Since you are still a minor, most states will allow you to file charges still, and up to a certain point after you become an adult. It might help you to do this if you haven't. It is a choice that only you and / or your parents can make.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#884 - 04/23/04 07:10 PM Re: New
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hello Voldie and welcome.

Because you are a minor we will be having a moderator be your special contact person.

We ask that you do not give out any of your personal information or make contact with members here off the site. You are in a precarious situation and we will do everything we need to in order for you to be safe.

It is often difficult for a mother to know that her young son has been or is sexually active. So that might be a part of your mothers reluctance. But, under the circumstances of your age when that happened, I would expect her to be furious and confronting the relative responsible for this crime.

As Mike NY says, you can certainly report this to the police. I know that you have not talked about this with your therapist because if you had she is required by law to report it. So that would be a good first step--talk to your counselor or therapist about this. Let them report it for you.

You can expect to be very confused about sexuality and confused about what is love and how does sex and love relate. But it can be cleared up for you and you can live a normal life. But it will take some time.

It is shocking that your mother did not call the police to report your rape. But no matter what, you do need to talk this over with your school counselor or your therapist.

The men here can offer some advice--but all will be telling you to talk to your therapist now. That is the first step--without that, you can't take the second step--especially at your age.

Peace to you.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#885 - 04/23/04 07:32 PM Re: New
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Voldie
Yours is a strange situation, if you told a bunch of your friends that when you were twelve a girl forced herself on you they'd likely say "WOW - lucky you !"

But it's not like that at all is it ?
Sexual abuse is more about power and control over another person, the sex is just the manner in which that power is expressed. It's easily comparable to bullying in that respect, instead of being beaten up you've been humiliated through sex.

Talk to your therapist about it, you aren't going to shock him / her. They're trained and capable of dealing with your problems, and they will help you.
Keeping the cause of your problems a secret will not do any good, the only way to fix yourself is go back to the root cause.

You have age on your side, I'm sure that young men who deal with their abuse get better far quicker than us old boys who waited half our lives before even telling anyone.
And the upside of it all is that your relationship with your girlfriend, who you've been remarkably brave in telling, will get better. When the time is right you will both make love in a wonderful and natural way. And it's going to be nothing like the abuse you remember right now.

And finally, I will also stress what Bob said. DON'T pass on your personal details to anyone.
The sad fact is there are people out there who come to sites like this in search of vulnerable young men. I don't wan't to put you off being here at all, I want you to be SAFE here.

Take care
Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#886 - 04/23/04 07:45 PM Re: New
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Hi, Voldie, I'm David and as you can see,I'm one of the "Mods"-moderators-here at MaleSurvivor.
Not only do I want to welcome you but I also want to tell you what a brave young man I think you are to search us out and seek some solace and peace for what happened to you.
Bob has good advice in talking to someone that you trust, preferably a skilled therapist who has experience with childhood sex abuse.
I'm sorry that you had to go through that. A lot of your buddies could be going, "right on, way to go," when you know what it feels like to be forced into something like that.
Although, one or two of the mods are skilled counselors, they don't do therapy here. We are here for one another, and you, for encourgement and information when we can help.
I don't know how understanding your folks are, but it might be the best thing to find out. Tell whomever you feel closer to of your Mom or Dad that you need to talk to them about what happened to you five years ago. Tell them that you need to talk to someone who is a counselor. Some school counselors are very knowlegdeable of to whom to turn when child sex abuse is involved.
Talking about what happened to you with someone who is a skilled therapist will show you the path to feeling better and to how to deal with your feelings for your girlfriend.
You sound like a mature young man who wants to get on with his life without this burden. Talking to your Mom or Dad and a therapist should get you on your way.
If you need help in locating a skilled therapist we have some resources here.
It is best if you stay in close contact with me or any other mod while you visit here. We want you to read and learn what you can but we don't want you to respond to any PM messages that sound questionable to you, nor do we want you to give out any personal information about yourself to anyone, unless it is a Mod for safety reasons.
Please don't think that this is a dangerous place to be. On the contrary, we enjoy a wonderful, supportive system of great guys here and we want you to be as safe here as possible.
Please refer to our posting for minors who use this site.
David
http://www.malesurvivor.org/Survivors/Adolescent%20Survivors/Articles/bsnl.htm

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#887 - 04/23/04 08:23 PM Re: New
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Voldie,
My brother molested me when I was 12, I'm 25 now. It lowered my self esteem to the point that I had (still only have 1 who I see on a limited basis, she's in NY) no friends all through school and no dates even up to this point. I too got therapy for other things that I thought were the problem (My ADD, My Social Anxiety Disorder), while I'm not sure that the Sexual Abuse is the cause of all my problem, it is one that was unconfronted till about 2 months ago. My point is that you need to deal with this issue and get treatment for it. While I see your life isn't as bad as mine is, it is causing you problems. I don't want you to look back at 30 and wonder why you didn't do something about this.

I know this sounds corny but you have to deal with it. You have college ahead of you and you need to enjoy it.

You need to see a therapist (a good one, preferably one on the MS list). You need to get your life together, if you don't you will regret it.

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#888 - 04/23/04 08:38 PM Re: New
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hello again Voldie,

Here is the link to the article Mike suggested to you.

Bob

http://www.malesurvivor.org/Survivors/Adolescent%20Survivors/Articles/bsnl.htm

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#889 - 04/24/04 12:20 AM Re: New
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Voldie,

I want to add my welcome and another voice suggesting that you talk with your counselor or therapist. If you don't talk to them about it, then you will have a lot of difficulty "healing" in any real sense. In my case, 26 years of trying on my own failed and cost me a lot.

Most important of all, be safe. Listen to the advice from Bob, David, and Dave. This is a safe place, our outpost here especially for males, and we want to keep it safe.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#890 - 04/25/04 03:26 AM Re: New
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Welcome Voldie,

Sorry for my tardiness on welcoming you. These are a great group of guys here, they have done a world of good for me.

Quote:
I've gone through therapy for depression, treatment, and recovery without confronting my problem-- I guess what would be at the root of everything.
Give therapy a shot, going after the root of the cause. You wouldn't have the doctor give you cough syrup for pneumonia.

Take care,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#891 - 04/27/04 10:19 PM Re: New
Voldie Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/22/04
Posts: 2
Thank you guys for being suportive, and sorry for taking so long to respond. I've had to mull over your responses. I'd like to feel that I can go to my mother about this- I don't think my father will have the capacity. But I thought that before. Asking them to go to therapy again after three years would be harsh on them. I would like to though. I think I'm going to confront my mother on this one. I have to get it out before it drives me crazy.
There are two reasons why I won't press charges. One, I don't believe I'll be able to find her after five years, she's probably off in college-- anywhere. Secondly, it would be too disruptive in this situation I would think and more of a negative action than a positive. Maybe that's just me being embarrassed.
I'm just scared that I might be beating a dead horse instead of just moving on- as I've heard given as advice to others in different situations...


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