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#8750 - 09/30/02 04:27 AM TRIGGERS
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
Today I did something that I haven't done for 19 years. I returned to the town where one of my S. A's. (Sexual asult) occured. My mother wanted to go to Estes Park Colorado for the day. She knows about my perp but she only know a that he abused me once. I never told my parents about the second asault. Actually I am not sure if my father knew about the first one before he died. I told my mother but I never knew if she told dad or not. Things like this aren't talked about in our family.

The first S A by my perp occured in our church in CHeyenne. I was seeing Dr. Laughlin for counseling. Because of a very ugly incidint my parents found out that I was gay. Dr. Laughlin had a ton of letters behind his name. DD ( doctor of divinity) Ph. D ( in Pshcology ) and Ed D. ( Doctor of Education ) so naturally mom and dad thought he was well qualified to "cure" me. I had been seeing a Psychicatrist in Denver who was supposed to "cure" me ... but he was more Homophobic of me than my mother was. His treatment the first day was ...." I charge $100.00 / hour .. your bill is $100.00 how are you going to pay this." The second day was ...." I charge $100.00 ... you bill is $200.00 .... how are you going to pay this." You get the picture. So when I was released from his care you can see why I was anxious to find someone to treat the problem ( or should I say my parents probelm ... they couldn't deal with having a gay son). I started seeing Dr. Laughlin and his course of action was to determine if I really was gay. But looking back now I see that what Dr. Laughlin was doing was grooming me for the S A. My therapy was telling his about my sex life. Who the guy was and the intimate details of the encounter. I think he got his Jollies by listening to me tell him about my sex life.

Moving on. I own a small landscaping company. (I started the business when I was in college) It was late April and the season was starting. I had gotten a call from a family friend stating that he (TED) wanted me to come over and give him an estimate on converting his sprinkler system from manual to automatic. I knew TED was a pervert but I thought I could deal with it. The controls for TED's sprinkler system were in his basement. He took me down there and got me in a corner. He had on a pair of short shorts and pulled out his ( you know) and started mastrubating. I treid to ignore him but suddeny he grabed the top button of my 501's and riped them off me. ( I never go out of the house without a belt on since this happened ) TED performed oral sex on me. I ejackulated very quickley .. all I can remember was wanting to get out of there. I took the time to get dressed since TED's wife was in the kitchen and ran out of the house. Ted called me several times wanting me to come back over to "discuss " the sprinkler system. Finally, I had to make up a lie to tell my parents. I told them that the way the system was installed originally I couldn't do the job. The last time TED called me he told me that if I'd let him {(sic) perform oral on me } I had the job. I would see TED in church and on several occasions TED would grope me.

Getting back to Dr. Laughlin. I saw Dr. Laughlin 10 days later. I told Dr. Laughlin about the S A with TED. Dr. Laughlin had his opening. He had been looking for a moment to make his move and he had it. He had been ploting his move since he started seeing me .... and this was his oportunity. He told me that I needed to be checked for AID's and that he had just read a study that you could detect AID's by feeling a persons glands. I let him feel my neck. He asked me to take off my shirt and I did. He felt under my armpits. Then he said that " the most important glands to check were the genitals and prostate" since "they were the closest to the source of infection and the would be the first to show swelling." How stupid could I have been? How niave? While I took my pants and underwear off he took my cloths and carefully folded them and put them over the chair. He then informed me that I should take off my socks too. When I asked why he asked me if I was ashamed of my body. I did strip ..completly naked. He then said .... "now when I examine you .... it is perfectly natural to get an erection. He then proceeded to fondle me for what seemed like forever. When he was done he sat down in his chair behind his desk and I started to put my cloths back on. He asked again " are you ashamed of your body " I said no .... and then he said.. "well you stripped for TED and I just want to make sure you aren't ashamed of your body. I told him I didn't strip for TED and gave him an evil stare. We continued to talk ( me in the nude ) about what TED had done to me. He then excused himself saying he had to use the restroom and told me to go ahead and get dressed. I waited for him for the longest time after I got dressed. I know Dr. Laughlin was in the bathroom mastrubating. Shortly after that Dr. Laughlin moved back to Ft. Collins CO. I drove down there about once a month to talk to him about how things were going. Dr. Laughlin was then offered a position as an interm pastor at a Presbyterian Church in Estes Park CO. For those of you not familiar with Estes it is a resort area about 90 miles northeast of Denver. One weekend Dr. Laughlin invited me to come up to visit him. See the Elk Buggleing, visit the sights etc. Thinking that what Dr. Laughlin had done to me in Cheyenne was therapy I took the oportunity to go see him. Besides I hadn't had a vacation all summer. I left after lunch one Friday and would spend in the cabbin that the church had provided for Dr. Laughlin. I arived at the church mid afternoon in late October. Dr. L gave me a tour of the church and then we sat in his office and talked. We drove to a restaurant for dinner. We were the only ones there. After dinner Dr. L said he needed to go to the church ... that he had forgotten something. We went back in to the church he got his things and then drove to his cabbin. Driving we drove across the golf course and there in the middle of the golf course were probably 25 to 30 Elk. There were two males fighting for territory and we watched them for a little while. We got back to Dr. L's cabbin and for some strange reason I was very tired ... and I told Dr. L I thought I'd go to bed. I remember Dr. L saying that he thought I needed to be checked for AID's again ... I told him I AM FINE .. and he seemed to take it at that. I went in to bed and Dr. L said he was going to stay up and watch T V. What is so strange is that I am never in bed before midnight ... but this night I was terribly tired. I remember waking up the next morning with an erection and Dr. L standing in the doorway to my bedroom. This is strange .... I didn't remember the erection until today.

Now to the triggers portion of this all. My mother wanted to go to church. The same church where Dr. Laughlin was. Until today I couldn't remember much about that church. I was worried about going there again. I was worreid about what triggers it might cause. I had been warned by a friend in NOMSV chat that he didn't think it was a good idea. I knew he was right ... but how could I explain to mom why I didn't want to go to the church. Every time we discuss the S A's we get into a big fight. I just prepared myself and told myself "I will get through this somehow." When we drove up to the church I was O K. But when we walked into the church I got an immediate TRIGGER. I had forgotten the stained glass window. I was of an angle protecting two little children. Then we moved on to the>
_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

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#8751 - 09/30/02 07:27 AM Re: TRIGGERS
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
John It is good that you have this place to come to and work things out and find help from others. Think you are right about being druged by DR L ,he seems like a low life crum. Ted seems like he know you where gay so of cource he could force himself on you . What fucked thinking Have you thought about teeling Teds wife , Maybe he has a history of doing that to others,Dr L is one that realy needs to be stopped because he is in a position of trust and can harm so many more.
(((((((((John))))))))))
Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#8752 - 09/30/02 12:26 PM Re: TRIGGERS
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
Muldoon,

Thanks for responding. TED does have a history of S A. He is a local Opthamologist and was charged with molesting a young boy in his office. He molested me in his office ... after the S A before I switched Doctors. Ted's wife died 4 months ago .... maybe that is why I have become more frightened. He was the primary care giver for his wife for two years before she died.

As for Dr. L. He died about 10 years ago. I have told the church only to be told that it is MY PROBLEM and I need to deal with it. When I told them that I was no longet ashamed of what happened and realized it was not my fault and that I was ready to go public with my story I was told "Now be careful ...... you don't want a slander lawsuit." This was there attempt to keep me silent. I am not going to be silent about this any more. I have held it inside me for almost 20 years. It needs to come out.

I also remember that Dr. L told me about two other people that I have a very strong feeling were victums of his. I might tell about what makes me feel this later. Right now I am to tired to think.

On a little different note.

Last night I couldn't sleep at all. I had 4 nightmares in a row. In all of them I was in great danger. I tried screaming and couldn't in all of them. Finally in that last one I woke up and did manage to get out a small scream that woke my dog up. I held him and he let me know he understood. This morning after the snooze button had been hit twice I was still dozing and had yet another nightmare. I am so tired ..... but I am afraid to try to sleep for fear of another series of nightmares. I see my therapist today. Right now that is the only thing keeping me going. I think that if I had to wait until later in the week I might not make it. I had a breakdown a year ago and I worry about having another one.

I'll write more later on after I get home from work. Thanks guys. I hope I can help all of you as much as you have helped me.

John

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

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#8753 - 09/30/02 06:10 PM Re: TRIGGERS
Mark S Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/02
Posts: 130
Loc: England
John. You are extremely brave to even be thinking about bringing these incidents out into the open, just remember to look after yourself, YOU are important, and don't be tempted to rush yourself, set yourself up to fail or put yourself under even more pressure. I had a trigger over the weekend and it all came flooding back but with the help of my therapist and the replies to my post I was able to see them as just that triggers. My abuse wasn't happening now. Don't write off triggers though they can keep us safe. I was abused/raped by a male nurse whilst I was in hospital and whilst I can trust male nurses, they have to earn my trust.

You mentioned that you felt stupid, letting your perp abuse you in testing you for AIDs. How were you to know that this man wasn't acting in an appropriate way. He portrayed himself as the expert, you should have been able to trust him. Similarly to me, my perp told me that he had to place my penis into a urine bottle whilst I was in hospital. Who was I to argue.

As for your nightmares, They will ease off, but you have to bear with them and that's easier said than done. I once stayed awake for three days because I was to scared to go to sleep. Rarely do I have them now.

So take care and keep talking Mark S


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#8754 - 09/30/02 11:27 PM Re: TRIGGERS
angry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/13/02
Posts: 23
They always play some kind of stupid trick or game like the "AIDS test" he did to you. The guy who molested me used to call himself a genius, even though he just fixed people's air conditioners for a living. It seems like a huge part of what they are doing is making themselves feel powerful. Did the guy try to make you feel super guilty about it afterwards? That is typical too.


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#8755 - 10/01/02 01:03 AM Re: TRIGGERS
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
Angry and Mark S

Thanks for you concern. I don't think that Dr. L made me feel "guilty" but rather confused. He had convinced me that what he was doing was "right". Now I am angry because I went to him for help dealing with the Rape by TED ..... and rather than help me .... he used the situation to ger his thrills. Another thing that has really bothered me is that when I went to the police several years later instead of giving me the help I was seeking .... they told me I was crazy and that I needed to see a shrink. They also gay bashed me and made me feel that because I was gay that I deserved to be raped. Remember, I live 50 miles from Laramie WY ... the town Mathew Shepard was killed in.

I saw my therapist today. It went very well. He asked me what it would take to make me feel safe. I told him ....." the knowledge that all of my perps were dead. That would be the only way that I could be ashured that they could never hurt me again.

John

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

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#8756 - 10/02/02 11:34 AM Re: TRIGGERS
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
This is great progress, Chey, I am proud of you. I had worried that your trip to Estes Park would be difficult - but you seem to know what you need and have used the experience to help sort out what happened.

I am also glad you are gathering the support you need, professional, legal, people you can talk to & your brothers at NOMSV. You have inner strength and the will to survive - that with a "little help from your friends" is a foundation for recovery.

Right on, brother!
....t

_________________________
"..this place isn't a discussion forum..it's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

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#8757 - 10/02/02 08:17 PM Re: TRIGGERS
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
((((CHEY)))))

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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#8758 - 10/03/02 12:05 AM Re: TRIGGERS
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
brave move chey. very brave. I don't think I could revisit so close to home there. I'm still terrified of seeing the perp anywhere out in the world.

kudos to you. big step bro.

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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#8759 - 10/07/02 04:31 PM Re: TRIGGERS
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Chey:

Thanks. Your posts and all the responses were very helpful. My family & I are now making plans to go to Manhattan over Christmas Day while visiting family up north. This hopefully will include a trip to at least the sites of the clinic where I was born, and my first home--the place where my abuse began, as an infant.

I hope this, along with visiting Ground Zero and some of the places I saw in my earliest years, will be a healing experience for me. I fear it could be triggering & even damaging. But I feel its something I need to do. Your experience helps give me courage for this. Thanks.

My perps are all dead or wherabouts unknow, except my mother, the primary perp. But I think I've got a little more courage to speak out now, whoever it involves & come what may. Thanks again.

I'm glad you now seem to have a good T, I know how much that can mean.

Be Well,

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#8760 - 10/08/02 01:16 AM Re: TRIGGERS
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
One thing that I found helpful. If you are aware that someting might be a trigger you prepare yourself for the trigger. It is the triggers that you are unprepared for that are the hard ones to deal with. The post that I placed last night is a good example of that. I was totally unprepared fot the phone call from the minister and his requesting that I return to the office where I was raped so that he can perform a " healing ceremony" . I really feel that this is for his benefit and not for mine. I do not want to return to that place. Just the thought of returning to that place last night was enough of a trigger to cause a flashback. I knew that Estes Park would cause triggers. I had no idea that a phone call could cause a trigger. If you are aware that a situation may cause a trigger ... It is ( or was for me ) easier to deal with the trigger. Your body is prepared for it and reacts accordingly.

take care all

John

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

Top
#8761 - 10/10/02 10:21 AM Re: TRIGGERS
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Good point. Looks like I may have a lot of preparing to do. Thanks John.

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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