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#8715 - 10/08/01 12:56 AM How did you do it?
manchild Offline
Member

Registered: 11/22/00
Posts: 35
Loc: netherlands
Hi,

i am looking for inspiration, for succes-stories. I hear you asking "Succes in what?". Well, in generally, for overcoming life-difficulties specific for survivors of se**al a**se. More specific? about moving to a new town (something i just did), developing healthy friendships, relating to neighbours, finding ways to relax, finding fullfilling work, dealing with memories of past relationships.

Greetings,
Manchild


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#8716 - 10/08/01 02:33 PM Re: How did you do it?
fmighell Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/01
Posts: 276
Loc: Anchorage,Alaska
With Gods help.
fmighell anc ak


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#8717 - 10/09/01 08:52 AM Re: How did you do it?
manchild Offline
Member

Registered: 11/22/00
Posts: 35
Loc: netherlands
so your answer to my question for help is: go to God and ask him for help?
How sad for me, i don't believe in God anymore, though my religious upbringing is still effective in fearing to say that.

Believing in God is like believing in an imaginairy friend to me: The more you belief, the better it works.

But I don't like to go around saying things i don't belief myself.
I hear you saying: "then, you are doomed."

We shall overcome ...


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#8718 - 10/09/01 09:44 AM Re: How did you do it?
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Manchild,

My story is in the our stories section, and when i look back at where i came from and where i am now, well, it just sometimes feels like it all must have happened to someone else cus my life is so different now.

I still have all sorts of challenges on a regular basis, but honestly for the most part my lowest lows these days are what used to be my highest highs.

Its a good story, I like it, it is mine.

Best wishes to you in your new home!

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#8719 - 10/09/01 11:20 AM Re: How did you do it?
fmighell Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/01
Posts: 276
Loc: Anchorage,Alaska
My post is how I made it throught with being s*x*a* a*u*s*d.
you can think, all you want.
fmighell anc ak \:\)


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#8720 - 10/09/01 12:50 PM Re: How did you do it?
manchild Offline
Member

Registered: 11/22/00
Posts: 35
Loc: netherlands
Fmighell

i realize my reply to you is misdirected. You answered, what inspired you and i reacted with frustrations about my religious upbringing. I think, that i am jealous at you, that you have your belief in God. And i think that my conclusion about God looks too much like having lost my belief in my f*ther, when i discovered, what happened to me.

It is good to feel loved and guided. And i think thats one of the fruits of your belief.

[ October 09, 2001: Message edited by: manchild ]


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#8721 - 10/09/01 05:30 PM Re: How did you do it?
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
I have 2 answers to your question. One may come off as smart-ass, and a bit flip. The other is probably too deep to get into in a single post... but that never stopped me before, did it? Heh heh heh!

So "How did I do it?" I repressed all the memories of the abuse, until I had found myself at a point in my life where I enjoyed my career, had made peace with my God, and understood the mechanics of grief. Then, once I had that grounding in place, I surrounded myself with my most trusted friends, and unlocked the dark parts of my brain by smoking pot.

Since none of that will fit into a "how to" on abuse recovery, I'm at a loss on how to answer your question. I've got some ideas, but they're kind of vague. I guess we'll find out together...

Understanding the grieving process seems to be at the root of it. It was after I started dealing with the loss of my grandfather, the summer before I became a sophmore in high school (August 1990), that I began my interest in studying psychology, so that I could "help people." I had really low self esteem at that point in my life, so that's really when my Self started working itself out. I was active in Boy Scouts, my church youth group, and was on the swim team. My family (while not perfect) provided a good atmosphere of love and support for my self worth to flourish in the years between my 9th and 12th grade years.

I enjoyed the backpacking and teachings of Scouts; found out that my "non-athletic" self was actually GOOD (gasp!) at a sport (swimming); and discovered my faith, which helped me through the worst part of the loss of my grandfather.

Now, once those foundations were laid, I went off to college in 1992, and started becoming independent from my parents, working to pay (most of) my own way, and living (mostly) on my own. I made a best friend who questioned everything, and we would discuss all things political, social, and philosophical (we still do). And I studied the inner workings of the human brain and examined mankind's search for deeper meaning, through my coursework in Psychology and Philosophy at UCSD. Coincidentally, I also stopped going to church (I would go to the occassional Christmas or Easter service, but we all know those don't really count).

OK, graduation day, 1996! I moved from conservative San Diego County to conservative Orange County, in with one of my best friends from high school. I had trouble finding a job utilizing my major and had to work 2 1/2 jobs while taking the bus, but all was good for awhile.

Then my cousin committed suicide, and all the hard work of building my self worth and meaning in life were all but destroyed. I managed to pull it together long enough to convince a group home that they should hire me in April 97. It was a home for emotionally disturbed teenagers (and I'm not being redundant). What followed was a long line of "growing experiences" (ie shitty times in my life), wherein I discovered that tenacity (or is that "stubborness"?) that Tauruses are known to have. My friends and family begged me to find a new job, and I put it off, because I was doing "important work." I eventually sought therapy, because my cousin's death had shaken me up more than seemed to make any sense (considering that we hadn't been terribly close). And since the therapy was obtained through my HMO, it was shortlived (though extremely helpful).

Life continued on, and I remained at a job that was eating my soul from the inside out. Somewhere in the course of this, I slept with a married woman, who tried to manipulate me into becoming her fulltime lover. When I spurned her, she ratted me out to her hubbie, who in righteous anger, heaved a 10 lb rock through my living room window. The next 6 months were spent with fear, shame, and guilt. As the shitstorm gathered, I was getting pulled further and further from my close friends due to my odd work schedule, and then we parted ways, looking for new housing. Eventually, I realized that if I didn't escape my job soon, I would be burnt out on the field completely, and I think my boss could read that on my face. Because I felt so utterly defeated when I talked to him (after several discussions before that), and then I was transferred before the week was up! That will be a year ago, in about 2 weeks.

In the crucible of those hard times, I refused to let myself be swallowed up completely by the self-doubt and fear. That isn't to say that I was Mr. Happy Sunshine. As a matter of fact, after I started working with the little kids, it was my mom (well, anyone that met me, really) that commented how much happier I looked than the last time they had seen me.

You can read my story in the archives from about July of this year to see the signs that led me to the discovery of my abuse (that's a whole book unto itself). It actually took the tragedies of 9/11 for my faith to take hold once more. I had been poking around Christianity again half-heartedly for the past year and a half. I still have major issues, but the biggest ones stopping me have been answered.

So where the hell did all this strength come from, Manchild? It seems to be in the face of intense trials that my true nature has revealed itself. But I can't say how anyone can develop it for themselves. I have never felt "tough" or "normal" in all my life. And putting on a show of toughness working with probation teenage boys contributed to my feelings of worthlessness during the first 3 1/2 years of my employ. "Manliness" is a concept that I will probably disagree with everyone on. Well, maybe not here...

Wow... all that started to make sense! I honestly didn't know where that was going to go, when I started it.

We're in this together.

Jeremy

[ October 09, 2001: Message edited by: Just Call me J ]

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

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#8722 - 10/09/01 05:55 PM Re: How did you do it?
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Manchild,

I've been seeing a therapist for the last 3+ years since right before my 50th birthday. Looking back at that time before is really amazing to me. I realized then that I had to do something about this "minor little problem" in my life that I didn't think affected any other part of my existence. I can't believe sometimes how far I've come along. I feel a lot better about myself most of the time. I don't automatically look for the negative or the ulterior motive in other's actions. I'm aware that there can be negatives but I'm much more objective. Life isn't perfect, I'm not perfect, but I'm better, I can live with that!

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#8723 - 10/18/01 06:32 AM Re: How did you do it?
manchild Offline
Member

Registered: 11/22/00
Posts: 35
Loc: netherlands
Thanks, thanks. Yes, this is the food i want. Please, keep the succes-stories coming guys. I am eager to learn.


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#8724 - 10/18/01 08:13 AM Re: How did you do it?
Anonymous
Unregistered


With the help of a good shrink. SOme of the bad things I did progbably helped, I don;t say that as an excuse, but I acted like a 12 YO kid and did some stupid irresponsible things that I wrote about before. Then all of a sudden I realized I didn;t want to be like that, I didn;t want to be like my abuser, I didn;t want to be the person I was becoming. When I remember the abuse I just kind of say, yeah, it;s there. I don;t dwell on it, I don;t make my mind keep staring at it and picking at it. It;s there, I take a deep breath and carry on.

I;ve been looking at other people and thinking how other "normal" people live their lives. I kind of look at the people I know that live nice lives, people I respect and maybe even envy. They have steady jobs. They;re active with their family, be it their wife, parents, and/or kids. They have hobbies. They have friends. I had most of that, even hobbies, before I started focusing on the abuse. Then I let it all slip away. I think that getting all of that back would help me re-direct my attention away from the abuse.


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