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#8694 - 09/29/02 06:40 PM Lonely
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
I am stuck in my room. I feel like im in a jail cell. I can't find the energy to do anything. My confidence is shot to hell, all i can think about is how bad im failing, i cant find the courage to give anything a decent try. I havent felt this bad for a long time.

What do i have to do to start changing? I am sick of being depressed and lethargic and struggling all the time just to move, when do i get a life?

Im 21 ive never even french kissed a girl. I feel so awkward, socially and physically. I am confused all the time, i cant walk out of the house without forgetting something, i constantly forget what im doing, i cant seem to focus on anything.

I guess i have to call my psychiatrist, and, as usual, i have waited till the last second, my pills are almost out. I cant remember if i already scheduled something or not. I dont consider depression an ilness, i consider it an emotional defense, or a state of being. What has gone so haywire in my brain that i can not help myself anymore? I feel so helpless, how do you fight this? I always manage to get through it, but it ALWAYS COMES BACK! How am i ever going to get a job? I dont want to be on disablility forever.

What am i hiding from? There is like this huge clog in my mind, everything in my life seems to revolve around it, but i dont know what it is. I dont know if i am just not able to move one, or if i havent dealt with what i have remembered, if there are things i cant remember, or something i need somebody else to do for me, i am without answers and its not fair. How can i get better if i dont know what is wrong?

I am going to get a soda and read a book, thats all i can think to do right now.


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#8695 - 09/29/02 07:08 PM Re: Lonely
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Quote:
What has gone so haywire in my brain that i can not help myself anymore? I feel so helpless, how do you fight this?
Broken
I don't have any answers, sorry.

It's something we fight through somehow, like you're doing now and have done before, and like so many others of us do.

All I can offer is support and my thoughts, because I know how much other peoples support means to me when I feel down and out.

Be strong Broken
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#8696 - 09/29/02 07:41 PM Re: Lonely
abcd Offline
Member

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
Sometimes, what helps me is to either 1) run/physical exercise just to get my mind off of something or 2) volunteer to help someone (so that I can focus on someone else for a sec). I know that may seem like escapism, but as I told another poster, it's sometimes just like when you get "writer's block"...you try to refocus. I dunno, bud, but I definitely hear you. It'll be okay, just remember that. You've been through much already, sometimes, if you just keep doing what you know to be good and okay, you'll find that the answer comes to your lap. As far as kissing a girl, I was about that age when I french kissed...and it was well worth the wait. Don't get too obsessed about that either, it'll come when you least expect it (mine and everyone else I know's did). Take it easy, and good luck with everything--trust me, you'll get through this.


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#8697 - 09/30/02 04:21 PM Re: Lonely
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
Guilt, not energy, is the enemy. Where does it say what a person must do in a day? a week? even a lifetime?

May I reframe your words? I think it is wonderful that you are reflecting on life and taking the opportunity to read. And while it is always good to take care of yourself, it is never good to be pressured into anything, especially if it is you pressuring.

Be gentle with yourself, please.

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#8698 - 09/30/02 11:30 PM Re: Lonely
angry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/13/02
Posts: 23
Hey Broken,

Been there. I could have written that when I was 19-24. Thats right, its painful to admit but I was 24(1/2) before I successfully french kissed a girl, or for that matter sucessfully kissed a girl. I went from never getting to first base from my first home run in about 2 weeks. My friends were convinced that I was gay because I couldn't score. I'll post about it.

Angry


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#8699 - 10/01/02 12:39 AM Re: Lonely
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
thank you for listening. I feel like im dragging a sack of bowling bowls around trying to sell them door to door. Not only is the way im thinking ravaging my mind, its also completely pointless. But it is hard when i feel like i dont know how to stop.

It is strange, since i am acting out recently, i have been percieving my self as being really little, like a kid, i feel almost like it is somebody else who is touching me, not me. Sex can be as much a chemical addiction as drugs, your brain releases natural opiates, i think i heard that somewhere. Opiates are things the stimulate the pleasure centers in your brain. Sometimes after i fantasize i almost feel like drooling, like my brain is fryed. I cant beat the physical addiction if i cant find the emotional root, and i just figure that out. I always hear people say they are addicted and tell everyone how they couldnt do it alone, that no one can. I dont believe that for a second. But i dont WANT to do it alone. If stopping myself from destroying my self image for sexual gratification was all it came down to, i wouldnt have a problem, but it is BECAUSE nobody has ever tried to help me with these feelings that i dont respect myself enough to stop hurting myself. I hate what my family taught me about myself, and about love. Love is real, they taught me that much, but they taught me it always comes with a catch. They taught me that love is pain, and love makes you weak and needy. I dont want to feel that way but i do. My mother never showed me she loved me with out needing me to love her back. I am angry and tired, everything i say feels like it runs in a circle, but i guess i got some of it out. Ill talk later.


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#8700 - 10/01/02 01:23 PM Re: Lonely
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Broken

Quote:
Sex can be as much a chemical addiction as drugs, your brain releases natural opiates, i think i heard that somewhere. Opiates are things the stimulate the pleasure centers in your brain. Sometimes after i fantasize i almost feel like drooling, like my brain is fryed.
This is so true, I could plan my acting out days in advance if I knew there was an opportunity coming.
Then I would slowly build the fantasy until on the day I was in a frenzy - calm and normal to people looking at me, but inside I was high on adreniline. The exact same feeling I get sometimes when I scare myself shitless in my 4x4.
Only with acting out I could make it last for hours, I'd be on a high better than alcohol and many drugs I've taken. By this time I was more or less out of control and unstoppable, by then I probably would have appeared different to someone who knew me but I was careful to avoid that happening.

The downer afterwards was total, like you say - a brain fry. Somehow I kept the appearance of normality, but the downer lasted until the next time I started to wind myself up.
A very soul destroying cycle.

How I wish I could write a cure, but I can't.
It's taken me nearly four years to get to the stage where I can now cope with the level of fantasy I still have. I last "succesfully" acted out in may 98 but it's been close since then.
All I could do was chip away slowly and reduce the time spent with the fantasy.
The biggest thing was to admit what I was doing to myself then others, and the time and methods I used, and then when the opportunity arose I would say to those I trusted "PLEASE don't leave me on my own"
That's a hard thing to do I know, it required me to trust myself to do it. Sometimes I did.......

It's so hard Broken, and you're right to not want to face it alone.
I hope we can ease your loneliness

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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