Sex in my life has become an obsession. It's a creature that I need to control. It's a nightmare. If I meet new people (especially men older than me)and they are friendly to me, it's because they want to have sex with me. If I meet women, i feel like they can see through me and think to themselves " you like to suck men, you have sex with guys".
Tone, many of the men here can probably relate to at least some of this in some way or another. What
I especially relate to is this: "Sex in my life has become an obsession. It's a creature that I need to control. It's a nightmare."
Here are some links to some recent discussions we've had about this on the public forums: http://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001179#000000 http://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001047#000000 http://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001071#000000 http://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001647#000000
I can't read people, It just gets worst with time.
Tone, it can be tough for us to read people as survivors becuz we've been tricked & lied to so much by people we should have been able to trust; also "the system" has often let us down. Our sense
of healthy boundaries & space has been messed up.
Still, maybe you read people better than you think--you've survived, and you're here!
As dysfunctional as I can be sometimes in trying to relate to others, if it were not for my intuition in reading people, I would doubtless have been dead a long time ago.
What I've had to learn to do is trust & listen to the real me, that inner voice that tells me
"don't go there" or "avoid that person" or "that person has perp written all over 'em!"
When I listen to my "voice" I invariably do fine or at least the best I could in a given situation.
Trust yourself, Tone. Listen to your voice within.
"Understand the voice within, and feel the changes
already beginning." ("The Voice," by The Moody Blues).
But the worst part is that I fantasize about being abused. I mean what kind of sick twisted person am I.
If we are sick & twisted, it's becuz sick & twisted people twisted us & made us sick with their abusiveness. Given the abnormality of our abuse, it's "normal" that we might have fantasies about being abused, or about abusing back. What would not be "normal" would be to act out on those fantasies the way our abusers did to us.
My wife is talking about having kids, and I usually go for a drive and cry . What kind of kid is gonna want me as a dad.
Even before I began really remembering my CSA I wondered about this. I never doubted that I would never abuse my children. But about being a fit father I had lots of doubts; sure didn't have close to any kind of good model for that myself.
But I knew enuf about my rotten childhood & family growing up to know I wanted to do it better. I'd say we did it, my wife my two grown daughters & I. Not only has the cycle of abuse been broken, but both daughters have volunteered in & are working toward going into fields related to helping trauma & abuse survivors!
This is perhaps my greatest victory over & best revenge against my abusive family of origin.
But this is a very personal & individual decision.
Had I remembered my CSA before having children, I don't know that I would have. Just glad I did.
look I am sorry I used curses in my message, but I can't deal with this shit alone . There is so much i want to saybut i don't know how. I hope you guys are for real, I don't want to be taken for a ride.
Fellow survivor, no need as far as I'm concerned to apologize for cursing; it's hard enuf to find words to describe & vent what we've been thru.
Take your time with what you want to say & how you say it here. No hurry, but we're here.
And we are very much for real! No "rides" here, just a journey to share as fellow male survivors!
Welcome to the journey!