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#8615 - 04/22/03 02:50 AM I am new here
tone Offline
Member

Registered: 04/22/03
Posts: 41
Loc: Canada
Hi, I am new here. I don't know what to tell you. It's 1:30 am , my wife is away on a business trip and finding myself alone makes me think. I'm gonna be 36 next month and my fucking life is a mess. i'm so tired of pretending that I feel like it's all going to fall apart. You look back at your life and it's all make believe. I don't have much left in me to fight.
Sex in my life has become an obsession. It's a creature that I need to control. It's a nightmare. If I meet new people (especially men older than me)and they are friendly to me, it's because they want to have sex with me. If I meet women, i feel like they can see through me and think to themselves " you like to suck men, you have sex with guys". I can't read people, It just gets worst with time. I hit the bottom of the barrel. Jesus Christ, all I want is to rest, to be able to cry on somebody's shoulder without thinking that the price to pay is to go down on my knees and give oral to someone. I know it may sound crazy but that is where I'm at. I can barely look at myself in the mirror. But the worst part is that I fantasize about being abused. I mean what kind of sick twisted person am I. My wife is talking about having kids, and I usually go for a drive and cry . What kind of kid is gonna want me as a dad.
look I am sorry I used curses in my message, but I can't deal with this shit alone . There is so much i want to saybut i don't know how. I hope you guys are for real, I don't want to be taken for a ride.

_________________________
Exchange On a visit to England by Ghandi
Reporter:"what do you think of Western Civilisation,Mr.Ghandi?"
Ghandi: I think it would be a good idea.

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#8616 - 04/22/03 03:06 AM Re: I am new here
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
tone,
welcome my brother. here you can find a sholder to cry on and not have to worry about anything but one of us handing you a tissue to wipe your tears. reading your post I see me and so much of me. you could have been writing about me a year ago when I first found this site and the support here. funny thing, your fellow brothers here dont care where you've been they just want to try to help you see there is a place to go. my addvice to you? keep posting, lots tell us how your feeling what your scared of what your thinking. this is a safe place, i know that thought sounds strainge it did to me as well, but it is my brother. just wanted to say welcome and Im glad to see you here sorry for the reason you have to be here but welcome non the less.
James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#8617 - 04/22/03 04:18 AM Re: I am new here
wanderer Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/03
Posts: 50
Loc: massachusetts
tone -

i as well wecome you my brother. like james, i am able to relate to what you're experiencing. there was a time where i wasn't even able to accept a compliment without thinking there was an alterior motive. and sick and twisted doesn't begin to describe how i thought of myself. but with determination, patience, and a lot of tears, i was finally able to look in the mirror and see the beautiful person that i am. and one day, you will too.

_________________________
"i'm not crazy i'm just a little unwell" (matchbox 20)

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#8618 - 04/22/03 05:57 AM Re: I am new here
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
"Sex in my life has become an obsession. It's a creature that I need to control. It's a nightmare."

i have been there, am still there in small ways. there were times i felt sex owned me. it wasnt something i chose to do, it was instead a thing i was driven to. i know the guilt of hiding, of sneaking around hoping to God no one catches you.

"I fantasize about being abused. I mean what kind of sick twisted person am I."

it makes you feel even worse when on some deep level you almost enjoyed being abused. you want to recapture it, to live it over. once more i still struggle with this, at times. in part because being abused is what a sick mother like me deserves i suppose. on another level, i want to recapture all of what i lost when i blocked it out for years. the memories are there, but i went numb, and have no idea how it all felt.

i guess the most important thing is to realize beign abused wasnt your falt, and problems with sex dont make you sick. having problems makes you human. it took me a long time to loose those labels in my head, but hang in there with time and work you can.

"What kind of kid is gonna want me as a dad."

you might be surprised what a father you are inside. it scared the hell out of me, but you know what, i am an excellent father. i know what it is to grow up without affection and nurturing. i know what it is to be abused, molested and raped. those things have made me a good father, because i fully understand how important my job is.

one thing i have learned is that anything you can feel or write here, there is someone else struggling with it. i have shared parts of my life here, i never thought i would admit to anyone. i hope you find inspiration and healing here as i have. welcome.

jeff

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#8619 - 04/22/03 10:25 AM Re: I am new here
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
tone,

You're new here, and you're in the right place. Everyone here has been through pain and confusion. Read some of the posts on these boards. You can see how other men are moving, sometimes slowly, but surely, towards recovery.

Being a father is a big privilege, for sure. If you and your wife want to accept the honor of being parents together, good for you. It doesn't come with an instruction book, and half the advice you'll get is wrong, the rest is half wrong. \:\) Just follow the best your heart wants for your child(ren) and you'll do ok.

I thank God for my children. They are part of the reason I started working on my own recovery. Despite my background and my fears, I have not abused them. You won't either.

Come back again. Read, write. Things can and will get better.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#8620 - 04/22/03 10:32 AM Re: I am new here
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Tone
Everything you wrote there was the same for me. absolutely everything.

I had , still have sometimes, those fantasies - just the same as yours.
I ended up makeing them come true as well.

I have no kids, for the same reasons, I was so scared.

I was in a state, confused, frightened and suicidal.

But notice that I say "was, had" - all past tense.
It hasn't gone away completly but it's under MY control now.
There is recovery out there, and a better life. And you've made the first step, this is a good place to be, we offer unconditional support, trust and help.

We are for real.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#8621 - 04/22/03 10:58 AM Re: I am new here
wanderer Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/03
Posts: 50
Loc: massachusetts
"I was in a state, confused, frightened and suicidal".

I will never forget those three days. That was rock bottom for me.

Thank you, Dave.

_________________________
"i'm not crazy i'm just a little unwell" (matchbox 20)

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#8622 - 04/22/03 01:02 PM Re: I am new here
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
Sex in my life has become an obsession. It's a creature that I need to control. It's a nightmare. If I meet new people (especially men older than me)and they are friendly to me, it's because they want to have sex with me. If I meet women, i feel like they can see through me and think to themselves " you like to suck men, you have sex with guys".
Tone, many of the men here can probably relate to at least some of this in some way or another. What
I especially relate to is this: "Sex in my life has become an obsession. It's a creature that I need to control. It's a nightmare."

Here are some links to some recent discussions we've had about this on the public forums:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001179#000000

http://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001047#000000

http://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001071#000000

http://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001647#000000

Quote:
I can't read people, It just gets worst with time.
Tone, it can be tough for us to read people as survivors becuz we've been tricked & lied to so much by people we should have been able to trust; also "the system" has often let us down. Our sense
of healthy boundaries & space has been messed up.

Still, maybe you read people better than you think--you've survived, and you're here!

As dysfunctional as I can be sometimes in trying to relate to others, if it were not for my intuition in reading people, I would doubtless have been dead a long time ago.

What I've had to learn to do is trust & listen to the real me, that inner voice that tells me
"don't go there" or "avoid that person" or "that person has perp written all over 'em!"

When I listen to my "voice" I invariably do fine or at least the best I could in a given situation.

Trust yourself, Tone. Listen to your voice within.

"Understand the voice within, and feel the changes
already beginning." ("The Voice," by The Moody Blues).

Quote:
But the worst part is that I fantasize about being abused. I mean what kind of sick twisted person am I.
If we are sick & twisted, it's becuz sick & twisted people twisted us & made us sick with their abusiveness. Given the abnormality of our abuse, it's "normal" that we might have fantasies about being abused, or about abusing back. What would not be "normal" would be to act out on those fantasies the way our abusers did to us.

Quote:
My wife is talking about having kids, and I usually go for a drive and cry . What kind of kid is gonna want me as a dad.
Even before I began really remembering my CSA I wondered about this. I never doubted that I would never abuse my children. But about being a fit father I had lots of doubts; sure didn't have close to any kind of good model for that myself.

But I knew enuf about my rotten childhood & family growing up to know I wanted to do it better. I'd say we did it, my wife my two grown daughters & I. Not only has the cycle of abuse been broken, but both daughters have volunteered in & are working toward going into fields related to helping trauma & abuse survivors!

This is perhaps my greatest victory over & best revenge against my abusive family of origin.

But this is a very personal & individual decision.
Had I remembered my CSA before having children, I don't know that I would have. Just glad I did.

Quote:
look I am sorry I used curses in my message, but I can't deal with this shit alone . There is so much i want to saybut i don't know how. I hope you guys are for real, I don't want to be taken for a ride.
Fellow survivor, no need as far as I'm concerned to apologize for cursing; it's hard enuf to find words to describe & vent what we've been thru.

Take your time with what you want to say & how you say it here. No hurry, but we're here.

And we are very much for real! No "rides" here, just a journey to share as fellow male survivors!

Welcome to the journey!

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#8623 - 04/22/03 01:18 PM Re: I am new here
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Tone.
Welcome. You are in the right place and no one here will take you for a ride.

You are a brother to us and we are a family and our goal is to heal and help others do the same.

Wht you wrote has been written by us all in some form or another. Now my brother you are not alone. We are with you and for you.

Take heed to what the brothers above have said to you. Listen speak participate and heal. It is tough road but worth being on.

Remember what seems like the impossible just takes us a little longer to accomplish

As Wuamei has called us. We are a wolf pack and guard our own
Welcome..

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#8624 - 04/22/03 01:52 PM Re: I am new here
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
There are great words of wisdom above, Tone.

I think and hope you will find that those feelings you have are not because you are bad, they are part of the terrible history we share here, in what we sometimes call the wolfpack.

Best of luck - read, and post, and you will find information and safe comfort here.

Peace,
JAmes

AAAaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhwooooooooooooooooooo!

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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