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#8389 - 06/24/05 04:08 AM Life changing
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
Hello to the persons here becoming so dear to me. Please do know, it is not so much I feel I have competence to respond to the brave souls here. I have ignored and denied such things that happen in my life so long. It is only in recent few months when two friends I trust very much, they show me some that it is not something normal, it is not something right. I am not stupid, I rather sensed that events in my home, they were not normal things. But how often it is, we require the outside validating of what we think.

I am not quite sure of what I am wanting to say here. It is to speak, but not truly to 'say'? My mind is most confused, and even with my good friend here, who help me to be here and read and write things here, I donot know how I can explain fully how I feel.

My life as I know it is ending. Who I am. What I define myself as. What I do. It is ending, it is most likely over. I know that we have stages in our lives. I know that we have cycles. I have been through them before. I know that, anything to end, it is new beginning of something else. But right now, I think it is first time in my life I do not have idea of what is been opened as opportunity to me. I am sad over the loss I am having right now. I try not to feel pity of myself. Honest, it is truth, that is not why I wish to be speaking here. I just feel that there is been so much loss in recent months to me, and it feels as it is so much weight pushing me down.

I am very embarrased. Today, I just fall apart. I speak with a person about that I must leave what I am doing, she is a very kind and supporting person to me, and wishes me to do what is right for me, but also to not make the 'hasty' plans. It seems it is hard, if you make a choice that people do not understand, they feel you are being 'hasty'. I try to say, this is decision I have been thinking on for 8-9 months. It is not just emotional decision. My body, my physical and mental condition, I do not know they allow me to continue my life as it is now. I try explaining that today. And I just start crying, in public, something I do not do. It is rare to do for me even private. I had to leave, had to go somewhere private, and feel now quite foolish.

A person here who has been friendly and kind enough to message me private, he has made mention to myself and friend of this speaking in court that will occur later this year. And that, it truly will not make so much difference in the sentence, as our country does not put people to death, even if it is sentenced. It is not about the sentence. It is something of honor, of priveledge. I have opportunity to speak for those who no longer are able to for themself. Even with these boys dead from these events, I can protect their souls by speaking for them, and perhaps speak their stories as well. I do not know I can speak this properly here, to explain how it feels to me. But once I agree to do it, I can not imagine not to do it. It will very much change my life, people will know publically who I am, what has happened to me, but also, what I have done in past. It terrifies me. But I can not imagine to not speak this.

I am trying quite to deal of things more in noble way then I have at times. I had not had drink for near a month, then I drink to extreme few nights ago. I have been running away of people and responsibility, and for that I have great shame. It is perhaps another life change. To learn again to deal with honor and dignity, not to do such stupid things.

Thank you, to anyone who hear me, who can attempt to understand me, I know it is quite difficult at time. At least I do hope is easier when I have the friend translater rather then computer one. Thank you, to all here, to have such patience to me.

VN


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#8390 - 06/24/05 05:17 AM Re: Life changing
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
VN:

I will respond with simple english for an accurate translation into russian. Are you leaving your job? If this is true, were you having trouble at your job?
Will you be testifying in court against someone? I know this will be a very difficult time for you. I have a friend who was robbed, beaten and almost sexually assaulted. She forgot to lock her car. The criminal was arrested and my friend had to testify. She was terrified. After the trial, she felt better because the criminal was sentenced to 30 years.
Try to keep strong. We are always available to help you. You are a brave man.
If I did not understand your message, perhaps a friend will assist you in translation. I know that computer translators are not very accurate.

Did I understand your message?

SD

<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>

Я отвечу с простым английским языком для точного перевода в русского. Вы уезжаете ваша работа? Если это верный, было ли Вас, имеет неприятность при вашей работе?
Вы будете свидетельствовать в суде против кого - то? Я знаю, что это будет очень трудным временем для Вас. Я имею друга, который был ограблен, побит и почти сексуально напался. Она забыла захватывать(запирать) ее автомобиль. Преступник был арестован, и мой друг должен был свидетельствовать. Она была испугана. После испытания(суда), она чувствовала себя лучше, потому что преступник был приговорен к 30 годам.
Попытка держать сильный. Мы всегда доступны, чтобы помочь Вам. Вы - храбрый человек(мужчина).
Если я не понимал ваше сообщение, возможно друг поможет Вам в переводе. Я знаю, что компьютерные переводчики не очень точны.

Я понимал ваше сообщение?

_________________________
There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

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#8391 - 06/24/05 05:37 AM Re: Life changing
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
I thank you to respond, I do have my friend with me tonight to help to translate, it is much better then computer. As he say, computer translate it only words, not as intent of them.

I have been competing athlete for some years now, and am leaving that. It is much more then 'job' really, it is lifestyle, as there is so much outside of it that is required to go into it. It is difficult to explain, and it is such of something that defines who we are. Also, to have world of sport, it is a smaller world, you all know much of same people, and rumors or facts, they go around very fast. I worry much how people will view me after I have spoken in court. But I will not be in same sense of 'job' with it by then. I can not do it, physical, no more. There is to much pain that never goes or leave me at all alone.

I post earlier in week I think of the court. It is something perhaps not necessary, but it is responsibility I accept, and now will do it. I worry it though, because although this man is to be on trial, I am quite sure my character as a person speaking against him will be also. And as you can see in post I make of what happen from this man, you can see my character is not one of such goodness always.

I thank you for support to me, you are knd man.

VN


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#8392 - 06/24/05 05:51 AM Re: Life changing
CrazyRob Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/05
Posts: 24
Loc: Miami, FL
VN,

It has been a very long time since I heard someone use the words "honor", "noble" and "dignity". Just hearing them gives me strength. I also want to live my life with these qualities. I have forgotten that recently. I have lied to people I care about and shirked my responsibilities. Thank you for reminding me of the man that I want to be. The man that I WILL be.

I saw in a movie recently a scene where a man kneels and takes an oath to "tell the truth always, even if it means your death" There is not enough of this in the world we live in.

Today, I renew my vow to myself that I will do my best to live in truth, to live with honor and dignity, and to hold tenaciously to the values that I know to be good and fair and right, no matter the consequences.

I am a good person... I should act and live like one.

VN, I admire your courage for speaking out for those that no longer can. You are truly a Knight in your heart.

_________________________
"When the fight begins within himself, a man is worth something."

-Unknown

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#8393 - 06/24/05 06:33 AM Re: Life changing
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
VN:

I can only echo what Rob has said. I hope your friend is still with you to translate the true meaning of what we are saying.

You have much more courage than many people I know. You are doing what is right and you are following you heart. When you do that, you will never go wrong. You truly are a man of honor which is rare in the world today.

I have a great deal of respect for you!

SD

_________________________
There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

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#8394 - 06/24/05 06:37 AM Re: Life changing
andrew76 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/01/02
Posts: 118
Loc: Florida
VN,

First off I want to just officially say hello as I do not believe that I have responded to you before.I understand the confrontation of facing and staring down your abuser in a court be it here in U.S.A. or in your homeland Russia.I know you will make it through facing down your abuser as I can already sense in you the desire and dignitiy of wanting to get through the roughest period of time and also speaking up for those who cannot or have not spoken for themselves this is what becoming a true survivor is all about being able to get your voice back and speaking for those who otherwise would not be able to do.

I understand from years ago that over in your country sports in and of it self is a major component of your actual lifestyle in russia it is just not a sport for your comrades it is the life blood of what you do and how you do your sport as a professional otherwise there is no other way of making your life as you would want it on top just like other countries.In Russia it is more of the backbone of the way you live and breathe and how you fund your way of life in your country is it still that way in your country to this day or have things been allowed to be somewhat free without persecution if you do not do what is demanded of you in your profession/sport?

What would you do now as it appears that you are not going to be able to return to your profession and lifestyle that you have had for many years now?

I would not worry too much about what will take place in court however I have heard that your government can make your life hell if they so choose if you testify against a person that they support is this something you are still having to fear in your country to this day?

You have support feel free to talk and open up even with the interperter that you are having to use in order to communicate with a total different language and all the way across the pond.Greetings comrade.

_________________________


Eye of tiger stares down perp,tiger teeth rips perp to shreds
to be abused kills the soul
to survive is to live the ultimate punishment

Knocking on hells door!!

To be silenced is an American amendment right violation,free speech

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#8395 - 06/24/05 09:38 AM Re: Life changing
sabooka Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/19/05
Posts: 209
Loc: I would like to know also
VN first I just want to say how much I admire you. Every decision you take is thought out and balanced. In English the is an expression.

"when you have a choice, always take the harder of the two. It will be more difficult but usually the better also."

To me this is what you do. The idea to stop your sport carrer and move one is a true show of your courage. It is never easy to change careers but that you have decided to do it is very good.

The same goes with you speaking up in court. The idea that you see yourself as being honored to speak for those who can not speak is truely a great thing. I wish iI had your courage and sense of right.

I really admire you and hope that any assistance I can offer I will.

do not forget to take care of yourself

Jonathna

_________________________
My happiness is not dependant on other people's misery.

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#8396 - 06/24/05 10:04 AM Re: Life changing
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
V, listen to androsh, he cares and he helps you.

Please be positive in your health issues, they will heal in time.

It will not be easy to go to Court, but that feeling is your own decision.

You are good at your sport and hopefully you can get back to the lifestyle that you love.

Keep your spirit strong, and listen to those who care for you, they are on the outside of you, but they care,

please listen to what they have to say,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#8397 - 06/24/05 05:33 PM Re: Life changing
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
VN,

We haven't "met," so to speak, but I'm glad you're here, despite the reasons that bring you.

I'm also quite proud of the decisions you've made in your life. It takes the courage of a Spartan to make them, even more to do them.

I hope to see more of you here, and speaking as an ESL instructor (which I am), you're doing fine, and I can understand you very well.

I know a little about you through mutual friends (I'll PM you shortly on that), and I know the quality of person you are. You're going to be okay. I know this. I hope you do, too.

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#8398 - 06/24/05 08:19 PM Re: Life changing
Shawn Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5
Loc: California
VN,

After reading through all of the replies here, you must know you are supported no matter what you do. You and I have friends in common, and those friends are so much admired and respected by me. I add you to those who I care for so dearly.

I realize that you have taken time to decide about what you will do in your career. I also know that you are great at what you do. But it is a choice that only you are able to make. I wish you luck in that respect.

Appearing at court -- yes, I believe that is the hardest thing you will be faced with. Even moreso than leaving your career. You are facing a person who has done terrible things to helpless people. People who are no longer here to face them for themselves. For you to go and testify against this person, you do bring hope to the families of these people. Some you dont' even know. Yes there will be media. But know in your heart that these families will in their hearts bring you into their own family. You are doing something that most will not. I am proud of you.

You made very much sense to me in your post. I want to say so much more -- perhaps I will PM you.

You will get through this....believe in you....take the hands of your friends to help guide you...lean on them....there is much honor in accepting the help of a friend.

Please stay safe,
Shawn


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#8399 - 06/25/05 12:40 AM Re: Life changing
jimrh Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/22/03
Posts: 273
Loc: Roswell, GA
VN...

I'm pretty sure that when you began your athletic career, you didn't realize at that moment that that is where you were destined. We are ever-changing and dynamic.

We are also resiliant and usually strong.

You seem very strong and that is admirable to many.

I do not know you and you do not know me, therefore, for what it's worth, I can only relate what I've experienced with life changing situations.


Change is definitely sometimes scary. Sometimes we make astronimical changes in our lives, fearing that at that moment, that it will all end.

The best that we can do for each other is to support and give advice or suggestions.

I'm probably not making a whole lot of sense but just know that I care.

I wish you the best.

Jim


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#8400 - 06/25/05 06:01 AM Re: Life changing
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
I again thank all of you to answer so kindly with me. There are such feelings of magnanimity here. All answers of such compassion to me, I estimate them so. I wish, more, that I can help anothers here. My knowledge, it so lacks, a number(line) as my words.

I feel still rather in air so right now. I feel, so is lost, and such big change (replacement), I only wish to try to be stronger, than I. My apology for to use this place, you good people here so to support my emotions of failure right now.

VN


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#8401 - 06/25/05 03:17 PM Re: Life changing
CrazyRob Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/05
Posts: 24
Loc: Miami, FL
VN,

I have to say that you HAVE helped me in here. When I read your posts, I am encouraged and reminded of the kind of man I want to become. Thank you for sharing this with us, with me. Know that where ever you are and whatever you are doing, my prayers and thoughts are with you bro.

May you find peace.

Rob

_________________________
"When the fight begins within himself, a man is worth something."

-Unknown

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#8402 - 06/25/05 04:54 PM Re: Life changing
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
VN,

Rob is right. You help a lot of us with your courage and determination. Please know that I was not trying to keep you from testifying on behalf of those poor murdered souls. I was unable to see the need of putting you through all of this when I knew your perp was going ot be sentenced to life anyway. I never meant to deminish your integrity. You are very noble and brave, VN. We can all learn from your courage.

Also, have you considered coaching? If you can no longer perform the sport, helping others perform is a very worthwhile profession! You are young. Many opportunities will come your way. I know that you have many in your "family" there who care about you a great deal and will do everything they can to help you thru this period in your life.

I totally respect and admire you, VN


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#8403 - 06/25/05 10:51 PM Re: Life changing
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
VN - to be an athlete takes a lot of determination and tenacity, qualities you obviously have.

Please remember that you can use those qualities in whatever paths you travel in the future - I wish you the very best ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#8404 - 06/26/05 09:10 AM Re: Life changing
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
Remember, some times the changes in life can be quite the positive things. I am hoping as you go through them, it turns that they are. You deserve much more good things than (thank you Soccerkid!) you have had so much in life, and you will have them. You start just recently to recover of the past, and it will take itself some time. But you already have the sense of who you are and what you will allow of yourself. Sometime that take much longer. I hope you will learn that your discoveries of yourself, of who you are, is that you are a good person.

Andrei


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#8405 - 06/26/05 09:21 AM Re: Life changing
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
Welcome here, VN, and I, too, am sorry for the CSA that brings you here.

Last year, I left a profession I had been in for almost twenty years. It was not only a profession, it was my entire life. It was how I defined myself. That job was me, and I was the job.

One year later, I am in a deeper and better level of recovery. My family is more stable. I am doing things that are important to me. Change, that I feared would kill me, has saved my life.

You are courageous to initiate change. You will benefit geatly from it. Congratulations and remain strong.

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#8406 - 06/30/05 09:19 AM Re: Life changing
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
I thank you everything, again. Everything, that you speak, it - such kindness and support of others, it are good to feel it and to know, what quantity(amount) real people can be. I think, only, that we are so real as, probably we allow ourselves to feeling of others. It most of all feel here.

I should tell, I think again at refusal to make ' change (replacement) of a life ' right now. Still there is a pain, very much, but I think, that it - probably emotion, it forces it to seem, as it - is more, than I shall be capable to admit(allow). It will be worse recently, I think, that it - probably a road accident that reason it. But I know, that I can admit(allow) it, always I do(make). I think, that it - fear to me, it is possible - cowardice which force me to want to remain again that I do(make). As right now, there is such big emotion and change (replacement), and it would be something so more, yes? Probably it - fear to lose me who I think, that I - am independent, so instead of it I want to not do(make) it right now even if it (is smartly strong). But it - not the decision which mention only directly, and I feel, that I was rather эгоистичен with it. If it is silly or not silly, I feel more convenient with me directly for this decision.

Friends to a kind of thanks.

VN


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#8407 - 06/30/05 01:52 PM Re: Life changing
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
It is not stupid or silly to reconsider a decision you made. I think it would be quite silly to make some major life changing decision without considering it fully. I know it was not made in haste, but possibly made more with emotion then thought. And the initial decision you made was not at all selfish. Always, there will be choices we make that will affect other people. But ultimately, our choices need to be for what is best for ourself; not to deliberately do harm to another, but to do what WE need. Sometime that is quite difficult, but we must always be true to ourself and what is in our hearts and souls.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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