I have taken a step I have long been afraid to do. For many years constantly listening to extremely angry music was the only way that I felt I could cope with my anxiety. My therapist pointed out this past week what I already knew: that the rage I fed into in the music helped me shield myself from anxiety. What I didn't expect was that, unlike other times, I felt that perhaps I could do something other with my fears than hide in impersonal rage. This week I have decided, for now, to not listen to this angry music and I have been finding myself more open to both positive and negative feelings. I am in a slightly cold sweat of anxiety as I type this, and yet at the same time I feel freer. I am now suspecting that the shield that enabled me to survive for many years has now become more of a burden than a tool for survival, something to leave behind.

Just thought I'd share.

Jeff

Jeff,

My wife has a saying that maybe applies here..."What we focus on we get more of." It sounds to me as though you are working diligently now to eradicate the angry music from influencing your life, which will open the door for more positive and productive things to filter in. It's amazing just how toxic some of this stuff is....and we get pulled into it before it's too late.

You deserve kudos for your awareness and for your courage and follow through.

Don

I DID NOT RUN ACROSS THIS TODAY, HE DID. BUT I THOUGHT IT FIT HERE SO I'M PASSING IT ON.

WHAT GREAT INSIGHTS YOU HAVE. I HEAR MY OWN STRUGGLE IN WHAT YOU WRITE. FOR THAT I AM GRATEFUL TO YOU.
         -----------------------------------     RJD

I ran accross this quote today on the introductory
page of the book, Getting
Over Getting Mad.  I really liked it.  Check it out.
  It's short.

"A Native American elder once described his own
inner struggles in this
> manner.  Inside of me there are two dogs.  One of
> the dogs is mean and evil.
  The other dog is good.  The mean dog fights the
good dog all the time.
When asked which dog wins he reflected for a moment
and replied.  The one I
feed the most."

Unknown

[ October 04, 2001: Message edited by: RJD ]

Thanks, both of you who have replied. That's a fantastic anecdote! I already have it memorized and will keep it as a reference point.

Jeff

I whole heartly agree a cautious step forward and here are my reasons:
1. At my work talking about sexual abuse with another person whom I thought was someone I can talk with, a lest over six weeks I've talk with, had me written up with a sexual harassment investigation at our work. So I've learned to be cautious again with who I talk to.
2. My work had finish for the summer, it's seasonal work. So I made an appointment with my mental health doc and saw her Oct. 2.
My feelings were of when my Dad had visited this last July 2001, and about my brother and sister. I can see how disfutional were are as a family at this time.
I keeping my Dad at a distance and only agreeing to be around him when we were at a public place, Seaworld and dinning.
My sister feeling OK with being treated like a second class person, and all the time I was trying to keep her safe, when we were growing up.
My brother only comes around my place when our Dad is in town. Whats up with that?
3. By this time I'm crying with the Doc and I have this feeling to apologize, to her?
4. I also ask about getting hypnotize, to find out what is in my mind?
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My brother was just visiting with me at my house and my wife, a first for this year.
I really don't want to make cheer over it, because his wife is getting a divorce from him.
How can he have feelings of me? when his wife wants a divorce.
Apart of my wondering is getting answered.
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