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#8243 - 10/02/01 07:31 AM PLEASE HEAR...
Gadzook Offline
Member

Registered: 12/10/00
Posts: 72
Loc: Papillion, NEBRASKA (USA)
"PLEASE HEAR WHAT I'M NOT SAYING"

Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face that I wear. For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks. Masks that I am afraid to take off and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me. But don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled. I give you the impression that I'm secure. That all is sunny and unruffled with me within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness is my game. That the waters calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one. But don't believe me. Please!
My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask. My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask. Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weaknesses and fear exposing them. That's why I frantically create my masks to hide behind. They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades to help me pretend. To shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my own salvation and I know it. That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love. It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself from my own self-built prison walls from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect. That glance is the only thing that assures me of what I can't assure myself, that I'm really worth something. But I don't tell you this. I don't dare. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh and your laugh would kill me. I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good and you will see this and reject me. So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game. With a facade of assurance without. And a trembling child within. So begins the parade of masks. The glittering but empty parade of mask. And my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that's nothing. And nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me. So when I'm going through my routine - don't be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm "not" saying. Hear what I'd like to say but what I cannot say. I dislike hiding. Honestly. I dislike the superficial game I'm playing - the superficial phony game. I'd really like to be genuine and spontaneous and me. But I need your help, your hand to hold. Even though my masks would tell you otherwise. it will not be easy for you. Long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong. The nearer you approach me - the blinder I may strike back. Despite what books say of men, I am irrational; I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
You wonder who I am?
You shouldn't.
For I am every man
And every woman
who wears a mask.
Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the "face" that I wear.


GADZOOK


_________________________
~Gadzook

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#8244 - 10/02/01 08:16 AM Re: PLEASE HEAR...
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
RIGHT ON GADZOOK!

Tell it like it is!
Takes guts to push past the defensive facade and give voice to your inner fears - I'm so tired of it too - our two little terrified kids should get together - (they did when I read this) - powerful - thanks
....thad

_________________________
"..this place isn't a discussion forum..it's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

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#8245 - 10/02/01 03:50 PM Re: PLEASE HEAR...
Anonymous
Unregistered


I hate to say things that alot of people have said before but " There are no words that can express what I feel." I can only say that as I sit here I have a smile on my face and you just made my day. =-) thank you gadzook.


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#8246 - 10/02/01 04:23 PM Re: PLEASE HEAR...
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
Egads, Gadzook!

You've got a knack for coming up with some cool, wise, helpful, and all around kickass stuff for my grey matter to chew on!

Thanks for sharing that!

We're in this together.

Jeremy

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

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#8247 - 10/02/01 10:59 PM Re: PLEASE HEAR...
abcd Offline
Member

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
Gadzook:

Nice writing. It continues to amaze me how the same we all truly are. What you say makes perfect sense, and I can't help but admit feeling the same way. Perhaps one of the hardest things about taking away the mask and showing our "true" selves is that after the abuse and our reactions, it's hard to know what that is again. Yes, we know we're hurting, but we also know that we are not fully the abuse. Yet, the abuse has affected so much of our lives that it's tough to really see anything but the abuse.

You know what I have come to believe...the key is "faith." Sometimes we don't have all the answers and don't know how we can get from one point to another...how we can open up the whole world again. Instead of despairing about it (not that you were saying that or anything), I try to move on. I pray and hope and recognize my dilemma, but I try not to take me down even further.

Anyway, it's late and I'm probably just babbling, but I just really wanted to say that I agree with what you have said. I would only add that even in our masks, we should not despair. I know I still wear this mask, and I pray that eventually that too will truly fall..."patience is a virtue" a friend of mine once said. Indeed with that faith and patience, I have been consistently surprised at how opportunities slowly fall into my lap. Do not misunderstand...this is not a suggestion to just sit and wait, but rather just to say that when one MUST sit and wait, then one should be patient and continue to hope. It's not easy to remove that mask as you know. It's become almost a part of ourselves, and one need not despair over it. Instead, one should try bit by bit to peel it away and not be despaired by how much more there is left to peel.

Patience is indeed a virtue...Our masks will indeed fall...this I believe for all of us. In fact for me, this site has been a first step, and going with your imagery, I think my eyes are showing. I know this because now I can truly see what's important in life once more \:\) Thanks for your writing.


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