I had this mental flash when I was in therapy last night. It is graphic and will most definitely trigger anyone who is fragile. Please DO NOT read if you are easily triggered. I'm sorry, but I have to get this out.
Laying on my back, naked,
Like a newborn, but not one.
I'm 11, too old to be fussed with like this.
Cleaned like this.
You hover over me, wiping me, touching me,
Cleaning me all over.
Not because of something I did to myself,
But to hide what you've done to me.
Too close, you press against me as you
Keep wiping off what you left on me.
Saying the same old things that makes my
Soul shrivel, even as I hide my emotions.
"You enjoyed it, you bad boy. Doesn't it feel
Good? Yes, I know it does."
Your hand grasps, touches, strokes
And my body betrays me as I respond.
It does feel good, I think.
I am bad. Surely I deserve this.
"Too bad I've already cleaned you up,
my big, baby boy.
I'd love to suck you once again."
The sting of the Wet-Naps over the parts
You've hurt make me grateful.
Wet-Naps! That's the best you can do?
You hurt me when you've said you love me.
Does love feel like this?
Wiping me down like a damn baby.
I'm not a damn baby!
I'm 11! Too old to be helpless like this.
Too young for what you're doing to me.
Scream when your fingers enter me.
The other hand covers my mouth tight.
Feel your mouth suck on my shoulder.
"Quiet, you little bitch!
Remember what I've told you!?"
Yes, it does, if it's measured by you.
Every time, it ends like this.
You bringing me down to your disgusting level.
(I'll never be like you!)
Me reduced to a helpless infant.
(I'm not a baby!)
"Daddy will make you all better."
(You're not my fucking daddy!)
"What would your father say if he knew?"
(Probably would kick your fucking ass, pervert!)
Every time, every fucking time.
Even today, I cringe at the memory.
Knowing how small you made me feel.
I'm not small anymore, though.
Every infant grows up eventually.
And I'm going to learn how to talk
How to walk
And when I do, you Goddamn liar,
I'm going to scream out what you have done
And I'll walk away to leave you in the shame
You should be in, not me.
I'll clean myself off, thank you!
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies