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#82319 - 03/08/06 10:50 PM Damn You! (triggers!!!)
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Damn you, suicide, get out of my head!
Go!
Go away!
I don't want you here any more.
I'm never going to do it
So why are you here?
Why do you stay in the darkened corners, ready to pounce on my anguish at any moment?
Let me have one bad night without you here
Smiling at me
Holding up your brown plastic bottle
Showing me the door out of here
I'm not interested
Never
Won't
Ever
And yet, there you are
I cry
And I yell at you to get out
But you just stand there
Looking
Waiting
One more thing to overcome
One more thing to defeat
One more thing to fight alone
Can't tell
Can't talk about it
What would they think
How would they react if they knew
So just stay there in the corner
Watching me through his face
I'll never let my guard down
Never let you win
But, damn you
Why won't you just go away

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#82320 - 03/08/06 11:05 PM Re: Damn You! (triggers!!!)
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
bobby our battle seems to be much the same ,thoughts of suicide are so damaging because as you say you cant talk about it ,in the real world people couldnt care less ,and here it makes good people worry about you ,i feel if i talk about it i could be locked up for my own good ,in my dreams it is there telling me there is a way to stop the pain, whispering in my ear hey it's easy so much eaiser than fighting every day to be normal .it would solve everyones problems ,that it,s ok to give up ,no one could blame me right? that it takes strength to make the ultimate decison then carry it out ,but it dont take strength ,it is the ultimate act of cowardice ,the easy way out ,i refuse to give up ,but it is like i can see both points of view, for now my point of view is winning but i have to admit that the other point is very strong ,my dreams are pusing me ,but i wont give in adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#82321 - 03/08/06 11:33 PM Re: Damn You! (triggers!!!)
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Bobby,

Adam says it all, but your poem is so powerful I just want to jump in here as well.

Quote:
I'll never let my guard down
Never let you win.
That's exactly it. I thought about suicide so many times when I was a kid. I thought it would give me peace.

What I didn't think of was simply this: it would have been the ultimate and final surrender to abuse - an irrevocable confirmation that my life really was as meaningless as he wanted me to think.

I'm so glad I survived. I have so much to live for, so much to give. So do you Bobby, and Adam, so do you.

So do we all.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#82322 - 03/13/06 12:14 AM Re: Damn You! (triggers!!!)
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Bobby,

You and I have discussed this subject in a way recently. I know you know this but I'd like to say it again for the sake of this discussion and those that read it. Suicide is like saying to those that love us "Your love and concern for me, all the time and emotion you have invested in our friendship, all the enjoyable and fun times we've had together, all our history together, none of it matters alongside my pain."

And so offing oneself becomes the ultimate act of selfishness, the ultimate act of surrender to our abuser.

I'm proud of you for rejecting these things.

(((((BOBBY)))))

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#82323 - 03/13/06 02:57 AM Re: Damn You! (triggers!!!)
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11174
Loc: Denver, CO
Bobby,

Quote:
One more thing to fight alone
Maybe in some moments, but not always. You can always contact any of us, me included. I remember those times, too well.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#82324 - 03/16/06 05:21 AM Re: Damn You! (triggers!!!)
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
Me too Bobby, me too. And as you know, I am ready and willing to fight this with you. If suicide wins, he wins. And there ain't no way that's going to happen!

Love ya

Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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#82325 - 03/16/06 06:01 PM Re: Damn You! (triggers!!!)
Steven Heath Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/06/06
Posts: 81
Loc: New York City
bobby...i read your poem and finally am ready to admit after all of these years that the same thoughts have always been present with me.....through my self destructive activities years ago, i guess i have tried to commit suicide in non-overt ways......but there is this thing that is always with me....the thoughts of "if i died all of the horror would just slide away".....suicide is just not an option, though,....i will never let what my uncle did to me win....thank you so much for your poem...today you have helped make me stronger....steve


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