Brett, inside you is a lot of light and goodness. It always impresses me that as human we have the ability to self determine ourselves.
Along the way, we were harmed and confused, perhaps made to feel helpless and hopeless. but the truth remains that we can determine who and what we want to be.
It must bug our abusers to see us able to function at all, much less so well as to write poetry, sive and receive support, and live without their pereveerted hands on us.
You do well Brett. There may sometimes seem to be a void in you--but that is a false report of our minds and feelings. Inside you is light, hope, courage, love, generosity, art, beauty etc. Lots of good stuff that shoves the darkness out of us completely.
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.