This is something parents don't get. My dad scared me the whole time I lived with my parents. I started going to therapy, and he comes up, gives me a big hug and says he's sorry. If you kick a dog and kick a dog and kick a dog and then walk up, try to pat it on the head and give it a treat, what's the dog going to say? "Why thank you! I always knew you were a nice person on the inside. Here, let me be your best friend and I'll lick your face." I don't think so. It's going to cower down with its tail between its legs, because it knows the true nature of the kicker.
"Sorry" just doesn't cut it. Neither does, "How are you doing?" or "Did the widdo baby have a nasty dweam? Come here so I can give you a huggy wuggy." My response: "Get away from me, you weirdo!" OK, so I'm exaggerating, but that's how they are! It's like, I'm slumped over in a chair crying with my face drooping down around my knees, and mom says, "I cleaned out grandma's house and put on a new roof and bought her a new chair." Or, if I tell her how ridiculous she's acting. Hello, I'm crying. Have you noticed? "Um, well, um, we'd like to have lunch with you and be your best friends."
I hear you, SK. I'm sorry you're having a rough time, and I know how stupid parents can act when they're trying to fix 30 years of being the worst parents on the planet. My parents will never change, no matter what odd things come out of their mouths now. I've adopted a new "chosen family", other people who do treat me like real family, people who care if I'm in pain and really do support me. I was mother-free for a month and a half, and when she finally called a couple of days ago, I was able to stay emotionally distant from her. I won't let her make me feel like crap anymore. I won't play her guilt game or feel responsible for everything she does anymore. And I won't get sucked in by her pitiful attempts at being the "mom" she has failed so miserably at being for all these years. Because her idea of being my mom is for me to be 5 years old again. I'm an adult now, and I have my own life.
There are people who care about you SK. You've got new family.
"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17