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#8198 - 09/27/02 12:54 AM "dark" fantasies
hopefullyhope Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/25/02
Posts: 2
Loc: Illinois
This is my first post.

Even though it's sometimes very hard to believe, these "dark fantasies" that I engaged in for a few years do not define who I am as a person. It does not define where I'm headed and what I am able to do, who i am able to love, or who is able to love me. I stumbled down the wrong path and I came back. I didn't keep going. I know what I was looking for now. What I was looking for was to be treated exactly how I felt about myself, and still do. I have gone down less dangerous but still, unhealthy paths since and have remembered what happened, how I felt and turned around. I might (i hope i don't) still go down those paths again, I believe I will catch myself again.

I am not over it. I will never be over it. I was hurt when I was very young and what makes it worse was I didn't know that I was hurt until I was 17. Even then I didn't feel an outrage from the people I told.

I told a therapist when it all started that I was having unhealthy fantasies and he said that fantasies are fantasies, and they are all normal. The internet lured me in with graphic, dark, terrible sex stories...like an abuser luring me to do it again. I know I had the control, but I didn't realize how damaging it would be.

I hope I can find my way out of all this...


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#8199 - 09/27/02 09:06 AM Re: "dark" fantasies
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
hate to sound corny, but you've already started to find your way out. Speaking honestly about it is a huge step. Took me most of my life to take it.
I wish you the best of luck. Come here often if you feel comfortable. It's a better mouse-click than the ones your demons like to make for you. And don't feel ashamed of your fantasies. Just figure them out in your own time. You will find a lot of us here in the very same boat. I'm just now coming out of a seven year haze of drunken all-night web surfing. Almost every night, while the wife slept. I sailed off into dark fantasy land. Feels good to be coming out from that world. But it's a process. Don't rush yourself.

welcome and lol,

Al

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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#8200 - 09/27/02 10:43 AM Re: "dark" fantasies
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Yo HH,

First, let me say welcome!

and then, , yeah, i hear you, the fantasies do not have a whole lot to do with who you are or defining much about you at all, they are just what you say, a path that caught your eye and has lured you down it to some degree. I am so thankful that you realize that you dont have to go to the end of the path ever, that U-turns are allowed at any point, good for you!

As far as finding a way out of this, please know you wil have help along the way, thats what this place and all of us are for, your not alone any more with this, ok?

Again, welcome, i am glad your here.

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#8201 - 09/27/02 10:58 AM Re: "dark" fantasies
New to this Offline
Member

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 138
Loc: Mississippi
Welcome (again)
I'm glad you joined us.
I'm coming to terms with my dark fantasies and acting out. I rejected my feelings because I was afraid it was part of my identity. I was blaming myself for it instead of putting the blame on my abuse/abuser. I've made the distinction between me and what was done to me. Now I've accepted all of it as part of me.

Roy-quote yourself here. I couldn't find what you wrote me or I would have done it.

_________________________
"Knowledge itself is power" Francis Bacon

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#8202 - 09/29/02 03:57 AM Re: "dark" fantasies
hopefullyhope Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/25/02
Posts: 2
Loc: Illinois
I was watching a movie tonight trying to tell myself that this too shall pass. That all these flashbacks, disturbing thoughts and craziness will end. I didn't feel that convinced.

But when I came and checked to see if anyone had written anything it really cheered me up. I am glad I am not alone. I am glad that there are others that have gone through the same stuff.

I'm seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist and I'm on Ativan and my usual anti depressants. My therapist tells me not to isolate. So, I went to see a play and I went walking today. It would go ok but then I would hear something or see something that would remind me of something bad and suddenly I will get sick to my stomach and want to go home and bury myself under the covers forever. I forced myself to stay out as long as I could.

I just keep obsessing on it. I can't imagine how I'm going to get through work and school next week. The more I talk to my therapist about all this stuff the more I feel like an open wound.

Anyway enough rambling, thank you all so much.


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