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#82003 - 11/08/03 12:22 PM TRIGGER! You promised!
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Not so much a poem as a rant. Please do not read this if you are easily triggered.


You Promised

Trading off my dignity
For your arms around me.
Let you guide my head down
To what you want of me.
I hear your voice again
Telling me "don't worry,
I won't make you swallow it.
I promise."
Been through this too many times
Able to blind myself
To the disgust. I don't
Look as I take you into me.
I don't feel as I keep
Sucking off of what I
Don't want to touch.
You breathe harder and move my head
Around you. I comply not
Knowing more of what you want.
I can get through this, You'll
Simply pull me away when you're
Ready. Maybe make me watch
As it comes out (I don't want to!).
Shoving yourself harder into me. I
Can't breathe. Try to pull away and
You push me down harder. No.
Taste it now, coming. Don't want
To! Can't breathe! Try to yell.
Pull my hair. Scream. Shove it in
Deeper! Force me into you. Fighting!
No! Can't breathe! Let go!
Scream! Can't! "Shut up, Bitch!"
Why are you doing this to me?
You love me! No! Choking! Taste it!
"Cunt, take it all!" No! Why?!
Please! I thought you... Taste it!
Horrible! Help me! Someone! Spraying!
Tastes bad! Please! You promised!
Coughing. Push it down my throat!
"Almost done! Keep going!" You Promised!
Liar! You Promised! You're hurting me!
You Promised! Not you too! Not you!
Said you loved me! Fucking Liar! You
Promised! You said you....LIAR!


Sorry, brothers. I had to get it out.

Peace for today. I hope peace forever someday.

Scot \:\(

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#82004 - 11/08/03 05:52 PM Re: TRIGGER! You promised!
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Oh, Scoty,

My first reaction is, "Don't." And, "don't go there." But that's what you were saying,,,right out loud....you're saying that to me, to us, crying for help.
Geez, if I had big enough....I would have gotten you away, I would have gotten me away.

Is it any solace for you to know that I sent a letter, yesterday, to the 8th grade teacher who abused me, who got me to go down. I sent the letter via his son, who has sons, 14 and 19. Heaven forbid he got them to go anywhere, but his jinx is up. You've been part of that, brother Scot.
Thank you for your sharing your soul.....with me.

davy

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#82005 - 11/08/03 09:12 PM Re: TRIGGER! You promised!
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
I am so sad that it ever happened Scot. I can see that the pain is still very much with you. I wish I had some magic words to make it go away. But I don't. I do believe that the pain will lessen significantly in time.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#82006 - 11/09/03 05:34 AM Re: TRIGGER! You promised!
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
I regret posting this. It's too graphic. And it hurts too much. Worse than the worst things, which is quite an accomplishment.

I'm sorry.

Scot \:\(

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#82007 - 11/11/03 12:30 PM Re: TRIGGER! You promised!
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
I am sorry this happened to you.

I am sorry that getting it out has not lessened the hurt but seems to have made it worse. Sometimes pushing it out re-traumatizes us. Poetry is a powerful medium. Because so few words are used they each have greater meaning and power.

I am truly sorry that you feel worse for having written it but want you to know that I found what you wrote truly powerful and worthwhile. I admire your ability to do it. I think I often use poetry to mask and push down my feelings. You have done the opposite and touched me deeply with your writing.

Brett.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#82008 - 11/13/03 09:56 AM Re: TRIGGER! You promised!
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Scot,

Graphic is a good word for it, I suppose. The event was horrible and the sense of desperate horror is plain as day in your words.

Perhaps if more people could read this and feel through it, they would have greater understanding of how badly sexual abuse hurts a child.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#82009 - 11/13/03 07:25 PM Re: TRIGGER! You promised!
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Scot
sometimes we have to tell it like it is, and you've just done that.

I hope released some of the pain for you.

The truth wont hurt us.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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