i am the second son
The phantom one
Just the toy
To be used by the older boy

Was i just forgotten?
No, its more like i was never conceived.

The second son of four,
The oldest was the FIRST
The third was the only GIRL
The fourth was the BABY
i was the void

No matter how i express my pain
its never right
Silly Boy!

void me out, its ok
its always been this way

the doormat, the servant
How can i be of service?
You can use me any number of ways.

Please use me!
At least its better than loneliness.

Is there anything but loneliness?
i can't imagine it.
In my most longing dreams
The intamacy i imagine is just simply loneliness in cross proximity to another.

Ah, but there i go
Talking about myself.
Thats no good!
So i'll just dissappear....

________________________________________________

Ample Ramble?

Aaron,

The loneliness is palpable. I see a boy trying to be good, to get the attention and caring that should be his birthright. I see him asking as a child does for the nurturing and love that he deserves. I see him being brushed aside. I see him learning to be silent, invisible.

You're neither silent nor invisible now.

Thanks,

Joe

Joe,

Thank you, your kind words brought tears.

I've longed for so long just to be allowed to be hurt. Last night after posting this I got so mad at myself for playing poor me. The victim!

You know screw that! I've lost. Lost spontanaity and joy. Had to always be on guard against further victimization. No life for a 6 year old.

Whoever says we are just feeling sorry for ourselves, f*&k them! Seriously, we have to go through the pain, the grieving just to feel whole again. Let it go my good men, you need to, you DESERVE too!!! We all do!

Sorry bit of a rant there. Actually I'm not sorry.

Thanks again for your kind, gentle words Joe, you are truly a fine fine man!

take gentle care, except if they say you shouldn't, then screw em!

Aaron

Hi Aaron,

It is gut wrenching to read how you felt about yourself as the kid who in fact was so wonderful and good and worth all the love you could ever have had.

But, you got used and abused, rather than loved. It is normal to look up to our big brothers. So sad, that yours did not see it his role to love and protect you and teach you good and happy things.

It really seem that one of the big hurdles we need to hop over is that feeling of being used. Of our bodies not belonging to us. Then, to have all of that made even worse, because we cannot tell, so no one can protect us and give us the love we needed to heal so much faster.

You are clearing those hurdles. I trust that in doing that you are feeling less helpless and more powerful.

Bob