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#81151 - 03/07/03 02:55 AM A poem - Triggering
InjunE Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/04/01
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
I don't get much sleep
It hurts inside
I can't stop feeling anger
I hold little pride

I stay up late
i really don't want to
Because then I have to face it
It comes back anew

It tears me up
I wish I could forget
The pain is too much
I have no outlet

I need to keep my head
Not go crazy
I need to get to bed
Can't let it faze me

But the burning in my chest
It won't go away
The thoughts of violence I have
Are here to stay

As long as I can control them
Maybe they'll stay in
But I feel myself getting weaker
I fear they may win

I'm trying to reclaim
the faith I once had
But the more I think of god
The more I get mad

Because how could he allow
A little boy
to be tainted and poisoned
used like a toy

I am now full of hate
All I want to do
Is get revenge
Not just for me
But for the other two

I know little happiness
except with my boys and wife
If it weren't for them
I wouldn't even be in this fight

I guess for me
peace is just too much
I guess I should have known
It would always be out of touch

I will make sure my kids
Always have a good life
Make good grades
Someday, marry a good wife

After they leave
and move out on their own
It will be time for revenge
They've reaped what they've sown

So I will find them
And claim what they owe
The debt will be settled
Only god will know

Then I can try
Maybe get some sleep
For I've never was able
to truely sleep deep

But I fear what will happen
Is I still may not
For my soul will always
Feel the burn of rot

Someday I will die
And be sent to hell
Never to rest
Always to dwell
Not on my family
Or anything that may help me
Deal with the suffering
Or the pain that will be
But on the vengance I took
And the things I have done
To cause me to be there
To never have won

An innocent soul that I used to be
Just a little man that was very happy
Was twisted by life to hate and loathe
And now will suffer, god will get what is owed

_________________________
Without my sons, I would not be here.

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#81152 - 03/12/03 09:11 PM Re: A poem - Triggering
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
InjunE, you are keeping me busy. I just today have gotten to reading all your poems. Thank yoiu for letting us see them.

There is something that I have experienced in many different people and in many different situations. Here is what it is. Some people decide that they are not going to let their anger eat at them, but rather motivate them. So, in the energy of their raw rage they set out to accomplish what no one believed they ever could. And they do indeed accomplish it and so to speak, shove it up the rears of those who gave rise to all that anger.

An example I see every year. A football coach ridicules a player, doesn't use him, considers him a joke as an athlete. The boy becomes so darned angry that he works and studies plays and trains hard and the first time the coach has to send him in, he makes a spectacular play--the coach is dumbfounded--I cheer my lungs out.

You have tons of very justified anger--why not use that energy to accomplish something that seems impossible for you. Then you can, figuratively at least, rub his or their nose in it. It is sheer joy and tremendous relief.

I had a boss who told me that I was an impetuous nitwit and would never accomplish anything of value. I was so angry that I worked hard and I earned a doctorate, and had the top position in the nation in my special field. Then I had a dream one night where I was standing at the grave of the boss and held up my diploma and said" There you SOB, how many nitwits do you know who earned one of these---you didn't."

It was a delicious dream. I hope the same for you brother.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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