How did it get this way
Where did I lose my way
I hate feeling this way
But I have to make them pay

There was a time when I was younger
Life was good, a world of wonder
I loved my family, even my brother
But it was so long ago, I don't remember

The most recent memory that I hold
Is my brother beating me, because I told
He did it alot when I was small
When he did something wrong, I was to take the fall

I remember being raped, being held down
Being told to "suck it", having my head forced down
Being told "bend over, it will feel good to you"
Then being told, "If you tell, no one will believe you".

I remember one night, while I faked sleeping
A figure crept behind me, As I started weeping
Then she said "its time to feel me"
I wished someone would rush in, try to save me
But no one ever came, to rush to my side
I was taught to feel shame, to hide what's inside
What was done to me, was all my fault
For being a little bastard, at least thats what I thought

When it was over, the rapes and abuse
What was inside me grew, I became a recluse
I hated everyone, my family the most
Death was an answer, I came very close

I didn't have the courage, to pull the trigger
My courage and pride taken from me, go figure
So I suffered in silence, praying for the end
And then one day, I found a friend

His name was shep, and he was a dog
But to me, he was the light in the fog
He gave me a reason to live
Someone to whom the love I had left, to give

Then he passed away, it broke my heart
Once again, from emotion, I had to part
He was all I had, and then he was gone
And I had to go at it all alone

I had to get out, had to get away
When I was old enough, I joined the military
I was too messed up to handle the responsibility
I couldn't have a gun, they say "too many problems with me"

I was going to be kicked out, with nowhere to go
But my commander felt pity, and he said "No"
Instead he moved me to a job that was not tough
Something that was easy, so I couldn't screw up

At this point, I thought about death
The pain inside, still hadn't left
I was full of anger and rage
I was certain they were going to lock me up in a cage
Once again, I put the gun to my head
But then I put the gun down on the bed
I had a new idea, revenge was the key
I would kill the people who made me "me"
If I did that, the nightmares would leave
The pain would be over, None will continue to breathe

But then I met Tammy, she was kind and sweet
A nice southern girl with flinstone feet

Tammy and I talked alot as friends
I was used to the hoes who would grab their ankles and bend
We became great friends, before we made love
I was falling for her, the one I was dreaming of

I didn't even realize that I was lonely
I hated so much, wouldn't let anyone hold me
I would hug her alot, it felt so great
When I was with her, my anger would abate

After awhile, I decided to take a risk and tell her
My past was hard, Had to say it in a whisper
After hearing about all I've been through
She looked in my eyes, and said "I will always love you"

I thought it was odd, for someone like me
To find true love, and ever be happy
But she stuck by my side, even to this day
And sometimes at night I try to pray

"As I walk throught the valley of the shadow of death
I have suffered for eternity, how much is left?
How do i know you even exist?
Your love is nowhere, why me did you miss?
If there is a god, why did you leave me?
Kill what I love, make me sleazy
Make me kill some innocents
Just so my anger would appease me
Make me a victim, every night make me cry
Why you motherfucker, WHY WHY WHY????????
Now you give me someone to hold on to
Someone to love and protect
This game you play with my soul
The devil may win yet
You drive me to hate
Then give me her to love
How am I supposed to feel
While you hide above?"

Thats the best I can do, when I try and pray
He has punished me so much, it hasn't ended even this day
For I am happy, and god hates me
So he will take my happiness and never let me be
I know why he hates me, I am damaged shit
Why not send me to hell, be done with it?
I think I entertain him, give him a good laugh
If I'm sent to the devil, then god will feel my wrath

The bible says hell is when god turns his back
When he no longer loves you, affection you'll lack
It says when this happens, your soul will turn evil
You'll become satan's spawn, and hate all people
So I guess since the day I was born
Somehow a newborn, to god, has scorned
I was damned from the moment of my birth
Filled with hate and anger, of little worth
God isn't fair, he's not on the level
I'm beginning to think, that this god is the devil.

I have three sons with my wife
I have to protect them through good times and strife
I will love them no matter what god does
He won't harm them, thats what the deal was
He can hurt me as much as he cares to
Punish me, torture me, turn my soul black and blue
But he can't harm them, that was the deal
And in turn I don't snap, torture his people
Make then bleed and beg for hell
Serve the devil well
I do get to take the ones that hurt me
But for the others, I have to let them be
Unless I'm called on to protect my family
I can't touch the others, have to let them be

Now I sit here, a tortured man
I never asked for this, the wrath of god's hand
If he hates me so much, Then I'll hate back
I can do it well, most of a heart, I lack

How did it get this way
Where did I lose my way
I have a price to pay
But why? He will not say.

To love someone is dumb
To trust them even dumber
But to keep a blind eye to them
is asking for the hate to reign
Maybe not at the moment
maybe not soon
But someday
Someone will remind you of what you neglected
And you feel the boom.


Amen

_________________________
Without my sons, I would not be here.