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#81019 - 12/18/02 05:40 PM Why Can't I hate him?
Mark S Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/02
Posts: 130
Loc: England
I finished my Therapy about two months ago and was going through one of my old journals. I found the following poem which I wrote and wanted to share it with you all.

I'm sorry it isn't very good,

I am a very placid guy. I never get angry, but oddly enough I am starting to get frustrated that I don't get angry. Still here goes.

I was in hospital, paralysed,
I was unable to move.
So why can't I hate him?

I needed his care but
did not ask to be abused.
So why can't I hate him?

I feel so ashamed, dirty & guilty
of the things he made me do.
So why can't I hate him?

He raped me, he abused me,
and threatened to kill me.
So why can't I hate him?

This happened so often it
was as if I wasn't there.
So why can't I hate him?

This Nurse he was evil,
he was able to control me.
So why can't I hate him?

The fear he holds over me
I know he could kill me.
So why can't I hate him?

I can't give him my thoughts,
he does not deserve them.
Do I need to hate him?

Thanks for reading my poem, I still wonder why or if I do need to hate him. Though for the most of the time it doesn't enter my head. My only thought is, that as I never feel hatred to people who hurt me, (like the girl who left me recently after making so many promises), I keep being hurt with broken promises and the like. Oh well.

Mark S


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#81020 - 12/19/02 12:35 AM Re: Why Can't I hate him?
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Mark:

IMHO the poem is quite good; besides you were expressing yourself & that's what's important.

Personally, I don't think a person ever needs to hate another person, or even be angry with them necessarily. Nor is hatred always needed
to keep oneself from getting hurt. Hatred in particular only clouds it doesn't clarify. Anger can clarify & even be a good defense, or offense, at times, if properly channeled. I channel it toward people at times but don't like it when I do. I prefer to direct my anger at things people do & bad things that happen. But that's me.

As long as you're finding some healthy release for your anger, like therapy & journaling for instance, I'd say you're likely on the right track, brother! IMHO.

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#81021 - 12/20/02 12:26 PM Re: Why Can't I hate him?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Mark

Quote:
So why can't I hate him?
Because you are so much stronger, better, more decent, human and caring than he will ever know.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#81022 - 12/20/02 03:15 PM Re: Why Can't I hate him?
Aptrick Offline


Registered: 06/26/02
Posts: 65
Loc: Nashville,Tennessee
MARK, I can empathize what it is to be in your position. My abuser was my father; from the time i was born( i guess) untill he skipped town when I was 14. only in the last year did I 'remember' the truth about the sexual abuse. Ive always remembered tthe beatings and fits of rage, emotional cruelty; but the sexual abuse has been the worst to deal with. Ive been in therapy for almost 6 months , group and individual, once a week. though, I cant know what it is like to be paralized, I was powerless being a child; and it being my father, i cant bring myself to hate him. It would be easier I think to Hate him; but I just have never found it in me. I have been frustrated to the point of insanity because of it. He was my father and I cant stop loving my mental image of what my 'dad' was or should have been BUT I know that that man who did those things to me will never EVER be my father. Ive always wanted to confirm that despite all that was done to me, on somelevel, he loved me and thought of me as his son. But I have faced the fact that that fantasy will never come true; if he did love me, those things would have never happened. I feel nothing for "HIM"; I feel like my father died somewhere a log time before I could remember these crimes and someone else took his place. A Stranger. Thanks for the poem, it means a lot.
Aptrick


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