hi

I am new to the group, and glad to be here. I wanted to share something I wrote awhile back, and I posted it elsewhere but got no response. Maybe I won't here either, but what the heck!

I am doing better these days, but have been through so much crap surviving without solid memories, and living a life full of loss and depression. And failed relationships! HA.

I think I am finally learning what love feels like. It is a lot better than obsession and hurt.

I found out a bunch of core belief stuff...stuff like believing I was ugly, I was bad, I was afraid bad things were always going to happen and I couldn't stop them...Stuff like that there. But I am writing again and I wanted to share. Hope it strikes a cord in someone.

Ken


The Price I Pay

I love you with my hatred
drown in my blood
rivers uncharted

you called me son

of a bitch

of a bitch

in my innocence
I swam to you
this river of blood

snipping my fingers
from your side
you smiled
that fell smile

amid laughter
I sank
into this river

this river of blood
this cold cold
river of blood

choices you left me to make
on my own

I swam for my life
my heart a dragging weight
my mind the curse

twisted as you taught me

gasping
spitting up the stench
of your lies

I learned to chart this river
this living river
living river of my blood

copyright KA 1998

Ken

Thanks for sharing that poem. It is hard to read especially when you know the pain that gave birth to it.

Another Ken

amazing poem
angry, desperate, scary
very powerful
-john

Thanks for the replies. I am learning to accept the realities of life these days. Instead of hating myself for my shortcomings, for staying in unhealthy situations, not trusting my senses, hating god for making this planet where there are people who prey on innocence...I am learning to say to myself...that's how deeply I was hurt by what happened to me. That's how much it hurt.

Accepting the damage done. And looking out of my window, hoping for true healing...

All the bows and pretty dresses
flowers scented, sweet caresses
ponytails and fancy dolls
rocking chairs and lullabyes

these the things of which girls are made

what then of all those little boys?
seems to me life's less of joys
taught to stifle what's inside
dreams and feelings must collide

and when they do the anger rises
oft remembered compromises
sent out to play a rougher game
tender feelings put to shame

"you're not a girl, so be a man"
resentment buried, kick the can
till all at once the payments due
cuz little boys have feelings too...

wow. excellent writing.
i was swept away by the river of blood.
the second poem was sweeter, but still dark.
i am that little boy with feelings.
hope i find more of your poems in this forum.