Pus in my pride
I should have died
I was denied
God how I tried

Future foretold
Innocence sold
I feel real old
God it’s so cold

Shit on my face
Fam’ly disgrace
I’ve lost this race
God what a waste

Shake when I kneel
What do I feel?
It’s no big deal
God can’t be real

Wallow in shame
Cherish the game
Love to be lame
God make me tame

I know my place
Smell but don’t taste
Horny but chaste
God’s not in haste

Favors all spent
Miracle’s lent
Still have my dent
God should repent

Dream down the drain
Trip on my cane
Don’t call it pain
God is not sane

Feeling so odd
My dove has cawed
Hatefully flawed
God damn you God

Ouch

When i get like that the best i can hope for is that it will hurt bad enough soon that i will do something about it, being stuck in the owie place sucks.

I don't really get like this; I just am this. If there were something to do to get me out of it, I'd have done it. This "owie place" is stained into my skin and carved into my skull. I always want to try to chisel something happier into my skull with a bullet,,, but I won't... [heavy sigh]..

by the way, John -- I'm coming back to LA in the Fall

the semester off has done wonders.

i wish i had something brilliant to say here, all i got is this though,,

[john] hugs john

"Hatefully flawed
goddamn you god"

That is brilliant! I love it, and you are shining...

Thanks John
i'm coming to LA this Thursday actually - I'll be in town until Sunday

and thanks embersglow -- that's definately one of the best compliments i've ever gotten. thank you very much

hey dude, you got mail

gimme a holler if you got time, k?

hugs,,

John

great poem, smart but simple. Drove your point home.

hey john you got mail too.

Hurt myself good so I know I’m not kidding
Righteousness feared but required if I’m quitting
You’ll never get why this just seems so fitting
I’d stay and explain if I could

Old and alone with my mind and its bleakness
Taking the dive while I cling to my weakness
I could have stayed for the next wave of sweetness
The shore never looked so damn good

remember that guy you cared about so much when you were sixteen, the void he left, the pain he caused.....

remember all the people that cared about him.....

remember the look on his mom's face.....

I think about the people in your life that i know that care about you, i think about your mom and dad, your brother, your sisters, all the guys at LMU, four kids in camarillo that ask about you still, me, people you know online, everyone here, the people you work with, your neighbors all the lives yours has touched.....

I hope you make it through and see the sunshine many more times, your like wine you know, you do get better with age, i promise,, healing is possible, just let it happen, k

John