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#80443 - 03/20/02 06:39 AM The Boy Inside
Lightfang Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/26/00
Posts: 102
Loc: Minnesota
The Boy Inside


I see his refection in the mirror. He is standing there with his head hanging low. When I turn around and reach out for him, he is not there. I realize it was all a dream.
As I wake up each morning, I see him standing there watching and waiting for me. When I raise my head and wipe the sleep from my eyes, I realize he is not there, it was all a dream.
When I am driving through my neighborhood, I can see him walking down the street. As I turn the car around to follow him, I realize he is not there, it was all a dream.
As I drive home from work, I can see him sitting beside me with tears running down his face. When I reach out to offer him comfort, I realize he is not there, it is all a dream.
Where is this little boy I am searching for?
When I close my eyes at night, I can hear a little boy's cry. I hear him asking "Why? Why? Why?" I try to run to him, to protect him from the night. The crying seems to get louder but this little boy is nowhere insight. As my search continues, for what seems like years, I feel myself getting closer with every falling tear. I look for him once more in the dead of night. I pray that I find him, I wish that I might. Finally I close my eyes and I empty my mind. I wish only to see what I hope to find. There he is, his eyes full of tears, the small boy I have searched for, for almost twenty years. I sit down beside him and I beg him to stay, saying "Lets try to become friends and I can wipe those tears away." Slowly this small little boy picks up his head. He looks deep into my eyes, with his face full of dread. I ask him, "What happened? Why do you cry?" The little boy still sobbing cries out his reply, "He promised to love me, he said he would ease my pain, but all he did was fill my heart with shame."
I put one hand on the little boy's shoulder and with the other I wipe his eyes. Slowly he puts his arms around me, and I feel my heart sigh. Together we sit there all night long. Somehow I feel that this is where I belong. This little boy which I found in the night, slowly tells me about his pain and the rest of his life. How everything he does seems to be wrong. He can never find a place where he feels he belongs. Then as more tears filled this boys eyes, he talked about his uncle and of his uncle's lies. This little boy tells how is uncle warmed him with a smile. How was he to know it was just his uncle's style. He tells how is uncle used his lack of experience and in gaining the boy's trust, his uncle stole his innocence. I look into his eyes, I sigh and say "I am sorry he hurt you, he hurt me too! But if we can stick together, there is nothing we can't do."
Sitting there holding this small lost boy, I get filled with the true feelings of love and joy. For the twenty years that I searched for him, I had overlooked the prison I held within. Now that my love and joy are able to flow, I realize the small lost boy was the part of me I had not let grow.

_________________________
"Please love and protect all children, they are the future of us all!!"

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#80444 - 03/25/02 06:48 PM Re: The Boy Inside
Jim C. Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/02
Posts: 63
Loc: New Mexico
I had to reread your poem a few times before I could respond. I think you speak for me and the inner child I once held prisoner, and still am sometimes embarrassed to allow out to see the light of day. We are always together, he is not the four year old that was photographed, he is the eight year old who was violently abused. He did not wait patiently for me to see him and allow him freedom, he bucked me and threw me like a bronco, so it seemed I had no control of my own will at times. He would sometimes respond through my own lips speaking his desires and expecting the grown man to follow. Sometimes I did, but often I denied whatever he desired and stuffed him back into his little prison cell. It is he that wrote Exits and Dreams...it was the older me that wrote Discovery and Fragmented Memories...if I ever get the nerve to post My Parent's Pain again, that seems to be one where both of us had input...there are many poems, all expresing what I could not otherwise express. Yours, LightFang speaks to me in a way I hope mine someday speaks to others...

_________________________
In all of time and space, there is but one you and one me...

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#80445 - 03/26/02 01:52 AM Re: The Boy Inside
Lightfang Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/26/00
Posts: 102
Loc: Minnesota
Thank you

_________________________
"Please love and protect all children, they are the future of us all!!"

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#80446 - 04/15/02 08:24 PM Re: The Boy Inside
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Hey thanks for posting this one...I loved it....I felt like cring..maybe one day I will. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your writing with me....
Joker

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#80447 - 01/24/03 05:20 AM Re: The Boy Inside
mattandrew Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/26/01
Posts: 376
Loc: Florida
This thread is such a profound way of touching the inner core of the boy we all once were and the boy who never had the chance to grow over time rather we all got tossed into manhood too fast.

When i read this post it made me stop and re-think my childhood,i was tossed around like a ship on an ocean adrift,until one day a man by the name of george who was an older gentleman who cared about kids and was a part of the court system i swore i hated and wanted nothing to do with took me under his wing and helped me.This man spoke light into my life and into the inner core of my well being as a child and now as an adult.For you see this man was part of the guardian-at-litem program in the state in which i resided when the abuse became known,this man so tall but yet so fatherly like,took me into his life and he became what he called a dutch uncle to me.There were days where i would not talk and he just understood without prying into my life at that time but, when i was ready to open up he was there, to this day i miss this man who was in my life, i lost touch with him and he helped me so much bring myself back into tune with the inner child once i realized why he cared so much.So george thanks for caring and trying to nurture me and love me like i was your own son,you stirred many things in my life and i owe you greatly,sure wish you were here today to see the progress i have made in my life as a survivor of sexual abuse.


Lightfang, thanks for posting this to malesurvivor,it made me stop and think and deep down feel the inner boy still there that is in recovery and on his way to healing.Very powerful stuff.I just wanted to bring this post back to life for all to re-read again and for those that are new i would bring this post to light for them to discover themselves in some way of their own.

_________________________
M.A.N. ,
Boy who was trapped in society's nightmare & moving on thru healing & accountability.

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#80448 - 01/24/03 10:21 AM Re: The Boy Inside
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Matt, thanks for bringing this back up; I'd not seen it before, as it was before my time here began. This poem, and your story, really helps me as I try to bring Little Victor out in my life & recovery & healing.

Maybe you'll be able to restore contact with George somehow?...

And Lightfang, thanks for writing this awesome poetry.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#80449 - 01/26/03 07:37 PM Re: The Boy Inside
Jess Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/03
Posts: 107
Loc: California
Lightfang.
Thanks, for showing me the little boy I was once, who was afraid to say anything. Now, much later, I am trying to recover my lost, life. It sounds like a cliche I know, but I also trust that you know more about what I am trying to say, than I do.
Looking for more words of wisdom from wiser, recovering brothers. Jess.


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#80450 - 01/27/03 04:54 PM Re: The Boy Inside
MrEdd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/03
Posts: 317
Loc: Texas
Man this is beautiful. I'm crying again. Thank you Lightfang.

_________________________
Some Things are not problems to be solved, rather, they are facts which must be coped with over time.

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#80451 - 01/29/03 01:13 PM Re: The Boy Inside
MrEdd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/03
Posts: 317
Loc: Texas
Lightfang.
Is it okay if I make a poster of this for my wall? I'm making a little cubbyhole for me in our tiyn duplex.

_________________________
Some Things are not problems to be solved, rather, they are facts which must be coped with over time.

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#80452 - 01/29/03 10:44 PM Re: The Boy Inside
Lightfang Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/26/00
Posts: 102
Loc: Minnesota
Mr. Edd,
Be my guest. anything of mine that is ever printed here is available to all if it helps.


Thank you for the honor!!

George

_________________________
"Please love and protect all children, they are the future of us all!!"

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