You're not ever going to make it easy, are you, God?
You're not ever going to let me rest.
You're not ever going to let me lay down at night and just go to sleep.
I think I've finally got that now.
How many years did I think this would be over some day?
How many years did I think that one more memory was the answer?
Just one more and I would understand, and then be on my way?
And now I understand
And soon,it would seem, I will be ready to move on
But You didn't just let me heal, did You?
You gave me people in my life
People that I love
Where in the book does it say you can't just walk away?
Where does it say that, because you were hurt so horribly by someone else, that now you can't bear to see another person hurt like that?
And why did You heal my pain?
Did You know that feeling others' pain would hurt so much more?
Or did You want me to understand that living numb was really not the awful thing I thought it was?
Oh, God, I hurt
But not for long, for I will sew it up and take it with me.
Go about my day as if it wasn't there
Then take it out tonight and hold it close, to somehow try to soothe its agony.
Hurting for myself was so easy now it seems
For that hurt was a pain that I could touch and feel and hope to ease
But watching someone hurt from here
Feeling it, and yet somehow not
A phantom pain more seering than the real ones ever were
Watching tears more agonizing now
Than feeling them burn down my cheeks could have ever been
Or is that healing?
To finally stop hurting for yourself and hurt for someone else instead
Is that the final joke?
The final lesson?
That we would work so hard to stop our pain that finally we could feel the pain in someone else?
Or maybe...just maybe....
Could that be healing's final gift?
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.