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#80099 - 11/25/06 07:05 AM My Shame
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11088
Loc: Denver, CO
My heart is a stone late this night
The shame is all I have in my sight
My stomach is churning in major disgust
Iíve lost control, myself I canít trust.

Iím dirty and filthy, a complete reject
Tonight would be better with mere neglect
Shame laughs at me and calls me names
Snuffing my dignity, staking its claims

How do I pull myself out of this mess?
I cower in shame over sins, I confess
Why do I feel the need to behave
With a method that promises relief I crave

Iím burning inside with a passion for trash
Behavior which ends in a personal crash
Iím a dog, not a man, a simple brute beast
Of all Godís creatures, I feel Iím least

A thousand gallons wonít make me pure
I long for a simple miraculous cure
Nausea tells me I shamed my spirit
Perhaps itís better if no one else hear it

Tonight Iíll go to bed in shame
Knowing how Iíve stained my name
Feeling worthless, dejected and sad
I hope tomorrow wonít feel so bad

©2006

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#80100 - 11/25/06 07:20 AM Re: My Shame
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hey friend,

I hear you loud and clear with this poem, and understand so much of what you wrote. This stuff eats at us like a cancer, slowly gnawing away at what little dignity and worth we feel we have left from the past.

There are so many times that I, too, feel like I am out of control, like the world has suddenly lost all gravity and I'm holding onto a tree to keep from flinging off into space.

You are not dirty, not filthy, not a reject, not a dog, not a beast, not the least, and not worthless. You are a good friend, one of my very best friends I have, and your friendship means a lot to me. I hurt when I see you hurting like this, and want you to know that I see you as a man of dignity, character, integrity, and worth.

_________________________
Eddie

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#80101 - 11/25/06 07:23 AM Re: My Shame
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11088
Loc: Denver, CO
Part 2

Testimony of heart so loud
I wish for a safe and covering cloud
Hide me please from the world at large
Shame is alive and well, and in charge

It took a break from my life til now
Shame laughs at me as to it I bow
Numbing the pain seemed right to do
I forgot that shame would show up too

Itís not enough to tell you I fell
I threw myself down on the altar of hell
A consuming flame I sought to quench
Instead, into the works, I threw a wrench

Thereís not much else to say but this
Shame gave me a painful kiss
I want it to leave and never come back
It never has cut me much slack

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#80102 - 11/25/06 03:46 PM Re: My Shame
froggy12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 527
Loc: Marlboro, MA 01752
My Unseen Friend,
Turn the shame around and tell yourself I did not cause this. I am me, I am good, I deserve more. Write yourself a letter telling you all of the good qualities you have. Boost your ego, love yourself so that shame is pushed away.
Slowly your self-worth will grow, and it will seem natural after while. Guilt will push its ugly face in front of you now and then, and you have to say is "shame, go fuck yourself and find someone else to terrify. I am me and don't need your shit anymore." Sounds simplistic, but you got to start someplace. Go to a therapist? Or someone who undestands what's happening to you like this group? Keep posting, get it out and try suggestions from others who will reply.
The sun is out, not enough yet coffee to get rid of the brain's morning mist. SO! This calls for my Mr Coffee espresso machine ($27.95 + tax) to start brewing and git me goin' for another day.
Give yourself a pat on the back, not a kick in the ass.
Froggy12 here in chilly Massachusetts

_________________________
??

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#80103 - 11/26/06 10:11 AM Re: My Shame
cpt. confusion Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/04
Posts: 159
Loc: midwest
thank you so much for posting this here... i'm sorry that those are the feelings you have at this time... mostly sorry because I know them quite well in this moment. I don't know what is happening in your life exactly to bring these feelings... but the quote below is on the mark for me personally, as this is a question I long for an answer to...

Quote:
How do I pull myself out of this mess?
I cower in shame over sins, I confess
Why do I feel the need to behave
With a method that promises relief I crave
and after cowering in shame why do the feelings of need arise yet again? have I not learned that this method only promises relief, and then only delivers more pain??? It's defintely throwing a wrench into the works, which will certainly lead to personal crash... (for me anyway...)

ugh. you certainly are not alone in these feelings my friend... if only we could discover solutions to these burning questions and problems.

thanks again for posting this, and all the best to you in your personal fight, i hope there is no crash for you this time. keep fighting with your head up.

peace,
-cpt.

_________________________
"Look at every path closely and deliberately, then ask ourselves this crucial question: Does this path have a heart? If it does, then the path is good. If it doesn't, it is of no use."
-Carlos Castaneda

*WoR Alum
Sequoia I-March '11
Alta II, September '11

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#80104 - 11/26/06 02:39 PM Re: My Shame
Elad 12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/05
Posts: 1176
Loc: on the coast
Andy,

Very powerful feelings. Sorry you had this rough period but hopefully some clarity will come from it. There is so much pain and shame that we carry.

Dale


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#80105 - 11/26/06 09:02 PM Re: My Shame
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
((((Andy)))))

I know what you mean, Bro. It's a battle we all face at one time or another or even continually at times.

For me at least the secret seems to be telling the shame to go take a holiday. OK, so I acted out. Beating myself up over it doesn't seem to contribute much to the overall problem. How much penance do I have to pay before I can feel good about myself again? Somehow that course just doesn't seem to work for me, so I pick myself up, shake myself off, and continue down the path. Staying in the shame only brings on more acting out sooner and tightens the ever downward spiral.

Hugs to you, Bro.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
ďLifeís journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ĎHoly ____Ö! What a ride!íĒ ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#80106 - 11/28/06 01:57 AM Re: My Shame
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
Andy

What you write about sounds so incredibly familiar. I have nothing profound to say, just, me too, and I'm with you. And whatever else you may be, you are a highly valued friend.

Love ya
Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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