God, it makes me tired just reading this. I cannot imagine the heavy load this is. All I can say is that I keep being told myself that it's something you go *through* and come out of. It just feels like an eternity because it hurts so bad. I will say a little prayer for you, for all of you, today that you will face the task and not the FEAR of the task, that you will be able to separate those things and think more clearly, not clouded by fear/hurt/shame/emotions, but clear intellect about what is real NOW, and how much you are cared about by others here.
It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.