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#79889 - 10/13/06 08:01 PM Mom
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Glaciers run through my veins with the emptiness of time knowing no bounds to their frozen territory as they trust their solitude into the attics of my mind. I canít seem to find my way through the icicles hanging from my heart.
I canít erase the stains of lipstick that are left on the mouth of all the lies that
you spoke, all the bits and pieces of fabricated smiles. All the dreams you had that
held no reality. Making no sense with your endless charade, flashing back memories
so burnt into my skull that I sit here in the darkness and wonder about you.
And I worry about you.
Are you as real as I think you are?

The way you touched me and the way you said my name in your quiet lonely lovely voice.
It still echos in my mind, haunts me through the day.

I live in fear.
Fear that is devoid of all color in a state of diluded paranoia yet I take comfort in my corner where the shadows hide and the spiders weave their games in this orgasmic darkness safe from the sun, each ray a different hell, each glimpse of its brightness kills me a little more in
this wretched and ugly world you created for me that rapes my ideals and diminishes all that was once pure and these blistered smiles that I thought once meant something are now washed away down the drain of my life and I dont need anymore of this diluded happiness this teasing of memories, once joyful now bleeding and creeping through my mind, peering into every creves of each dream and fantasy.

All worthless, now obsolete but burned into my brain is the feeling of you... Ah, yes, it haunts me, being locked in this horror house bound and barred and trapped within.

Even if I was free do I have the courage to leave?

Itís okay, Iíll accept my hell with a certain pride and as I gaze into your eyes I see an image of myself, the hidden self I am too scared to show, that glimmer that Iím afraid of. I grew cold and tired waiting here for the sun so I took the blackness as my blanket, protection from all devotion.

This bleak and ebony depth, it comforts me yet chills me to my very core and in this dark
(The tomb of my life) I see your eyes, just a glimpse of those obsidian globes surrounded by thorns. Blood are the tips...and I know I'm not the only oneÖ. And in that one stare, in that one touch, I am carried off to another sky, lifted to the portals of heaven, then sinking back down and drowning in this gaze.
Drowning in this hell.


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#79890 - 10/13/06 08:49 PM Re: Mom
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jay,

It's so important that you talk about all this exactly as you feel it. Good for you. But as you talk about it further, please be willing to trust the changes you will see in your view of things.

It's often difficult to give up what we already know; the familiar seems safe because it's familiar. But you and I both know that the familiar can be VERY unsafe, don't we?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#79891 - 10/13/06 08:55 PM Re: Mom
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Yeah Larry, the familiar can get us hurt or sick or killed. I know I need to talk about this more and I will. I just had to put it down in some form to get it started, so this is how it came out. From here I'll be able to think/talk rationally about it. And I know what you mean when you say that I have to be willing to see the changes in how I view it. This is a tough one for me, as you know. I love my mother and haven't ever been able to admit the truth, except to you.
Anyway... I shouldn't be saying all this here, it's not poetry, just talk.
Thanks Larry
J


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#79892 - 10/14/06 12:13 AM Re: Mom
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jay,

Talk, poetry, whatever - it all helps us to figure out how we really feel about things, especially when they're so confusing.

One of the totally crap things about the truth is that it remains the truth even if we refuse to face it. But when we do face it honestly, sometimes that in itself helps us to discern complexities in it that we hadn't admitted before.

In any case, sometimes our love for people in our lives isn't something we get to choose - like turning the lights on and off. It's just there, and sometimes that's a good thing. When we realize that, we see that we don't have to take "the blackness as my blanket, protection from all devotion". That's a choice we can now set aside, regardless of how we work out all the rest. We owe ourselves better.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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