And I will try to love you now, my child
For, like the others, I rejected who you were
I let you struggle for your life
Sat idly by
And watched you in your pain.
I could not join you, ugly boy,
For like the others, I found you disgusting
A thing for hiding deep away
And yet you had to live
To go outside
So strange to be so completely rejected by yourself at such an early age.
And yet, you dared to be
Dared to carve a niche out for yourself
Dared to have a life
A lonely life where no one came
That no one knew
A life of who you really were
And you were only nine or ten.
And good already then at life's charade.
Good at being just the perfect child
Not knowing that you really weren't
That you were being someone else
Imperfect in perfection
For the child you were did not exist
Not in that form
And I, like them, rejected you.
Why would I not?
They were adult
They were the wise
They were my parents for God's sake
They'd have known if I were fit to live
But you, you made it
As the perfect son
Though you were fat
Disguised as male, but only just
And good as gold most times at least
The perfect child, a halo 'round your head
I hated you
But it's so hard to leave yourself and go be someone else
Someone who runs
Who hits the ball
And doesn't throw the damn thing like a girl
Who wears pants with a bigger number on the inseam than the waist
I would have been one in an instant
Not sorry for myself
Born as someone no one would ever want to be
But I was him
Had to be him
And so, I made the best of it
I had a sense of humor, after all
And I was smart
And I was nice
Nice and kind and ugly come together in a package, do they not?
And here I am at 61, still dealing with my disdain for you
I know you need my love
Know we need to reconcile before we can go on
But somehow I can't do it
The snow job so complete, that even now I'd probably do the same stuff all again.
I know they're not my fault, the things they did
The sexual things
But still I think I caused them not to love me
Still I think they couldn't love a little sissy boy who was so fat
How could they, when I couldn't love myself?
Oh, sissy boy, why can't I love you now?
Why can't I take you to my heart and tell you that I love you, make it better
Wash it all away?
The truth is, I don't hate you
I feel sorry for your pain
But me, I left you long ago
Left you all alone and took myself away
And watched you struggle through your life, from deep inside
For they rejected you
And with good reason, so I thought
And so did I
And now, no matter how I try, I cannot get to you to take you back again.
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.