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#79539 - 07/30/06 04:38 AM This Aching in My Soul
Jeff S. Offline
Member

Registered: 01/24/05
Posts: 46
Loc: Northern WIsconsin
This Aching in My Soul

There’s an aching in my soul
That few have ever seen.
It’s a pain that started long ago
More nightmare than a dream.

I can hear him yelling loudly.
He’s coming by me too.
He’s asking the same question,
“Boy, what’s wrong with you?”

What’s wrong with me I wonder?
I always get it wrong.
No matter how hard I try to please,
I really don’t belong.

He stands in front of me and scowls,
My body exposed to view.
He grabs and squeezes hard and long
And asks “What’s wrong with you?”

Later on there is another frame,
A picture caught in time.
A little boy’s rear end exposed,
That body’s really mine.

The teacher says I’m like a girl.
He treats me just that way.
And face down on that rubber mat,
He rapes me on that day.

The pain I feel is incredibly bad.
I start to cry but stop.
I know that if I start to cry,
It makes him mean and hot.

It only takes an instant.
It’s over before it starts.
But in that terrible moment,
A hole forms in my heart.

I hurt for that young poor boy,
Who on that gym mat lay
A pain that aches within my soul
Until this very day.

Revenge is not for me to grasp
That is for God, I know.
But sometimes in my anger,
“To hell with him!” I go.

“What’s wrong with you?” I hear it still,
It echoes in my mind.
It makes me question if I’m ok,
Or are people only kind?

I try to stop the conflict
When ever it arises.
However, it is always me
That pays for other’s prizes.

Who am I now? I do not know.
Painful, hurt, and sore,
Confused, in pain and questioning,
Could he have hurt me more?

Today, the child’s a memory.
It’s mine, the pain he bore.
I wander life with aching soul,
In tattered pieces tore.

I dream of the day when memories
No longer hurt so bad.
And happiness and love and peace
Replace the hurt and sad.

I have survived this sad event,
I made it through some how.
And I will move on past this dream
And live in the here and now.

The Lord gives me assurance
That He loves me every day.
And I know He is with me
Each step along the way.

I know that Victory awaits
When I reach my final goal
I cannot wait for Christ to take
This aching in my soul.


By Jeff


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#79540 - 07/30/06 04:46 AM Re: This Aching in My Soul
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jeff,

That's a powerful statement and I hope it helped you to write it down and post it.

One part I thought was especially important:

Quote:
I have survived this sad event,
I made it through some how.
And I will move on past this dream
And live in the here and now.
You are so right. We can't change the past. If we are going to recover we have to be able to work on our issues in the here and now.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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