heard from a friend who came home from a trip - to see him soon - i hope today yet - don't know if he will ever want to see me again - is the old tapes worthlessness blurring as i drown in anxiousness -
at being alone until i see him at that as of yet unknown time - i hate being alone i hate being without someone to take comfort in - a cigarette? and shread my lungs and heart ?- oh but the lovely pacifier is so nice - and i can feel the accomplishment of having gotten through one - the false relaxedness that paces my heart fast - yet for some odd reason i have liked it in the past - and so i looked to something i had never intellectualized before and allowed my self to openly be with my mind and body and take comfort in the artifacts that i have around my apartment home and feel attached to my reason -
and know that i will see my friend dan tonight and for the moment - what i am doing - is taking
comfort in the midst of the existential panic which is now fading - there is no danger mark - to take comfort in the reason - which i could not afford to before -
to look at the art works and know when, where, who and what - just me and them -- just objects - but
objects that for some reason i can take comfort in - now -- not in an 'aesthete's' way, but in the palpable look and texture of their form - so calming - and the history of the research and the spark that each gave me - and still give - it makes me know i am here and i have been surrounded safe all day long - oh yeah - doing work in a panic but
it is ok until i see dan again - sometime tonight
.... for sure - or sometime at the very least real soon -

oh too much talking from mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous