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#79510 - 07/24/06 04:28 PM Your eyes
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Your eyes like razor blades slicing through my skin that i thought was so thick, but you make it thin. Your eyes slit these wrists and kill me so much better than I ever killed myself.

Thinking in the midst about all that must be in your mind. Circumstance and reality causing silver clouds to cry. Will you come home, slip into my bed, spend the night in your other life? Will I ever stand up and make it right?

Will I quit injecting the pain you supply and let this dead horse die?

You try too hard to lose yourself and you're more found than ever. Try with all that you have to push up and break the force of gravity, The very thing that keeps you grounded is also the thing that holds you down. The pain you inflicted is the pain that I love, that I deny.

On the edge of my flat world I can look out and see deep space.... darkness so profound. I close my eyes to feel the quake, I can hear myself asking without ever saying, and I know that you're trying, but only you know why. There's nothing left here to take. There is no more room for graves. Trying to remember death when so much of my life supercedes it.
Trying to crawl away and not have to be myself again.
I can feel it rising up in me like the break of the ocean beating the sand... my footprints vanished into forever. All the places we have tread, erasing all traces that we ever did.

Eyes too sure that they can see what no one can. What even I don't know about me, and thinking that you will come back... I won't even protest.

Just these sheets we've stained, Just the moment making me weak again, and knowing, owning up to the fact that it's not an accident, that it really happened and how I got back there...

I don't have an excuse, I can't even ask for help, I hold every moment as if it's the last, I don't know why love gets all confused. I don't even have a method to my madness.

I just enjoy watching those eyes of yours slitting my wrists. It hurts, but it hurts so much better than doing it myself ever did.


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#79511 - 07/24/06 05:45 PM Re: Your eyes
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jay,

Quote:
I don't have an excuse, I can't even ask for help, I hold every moment as if it's the last, I don't know why love gets all confused. I don't even have a method to my madness.
This terrible horrific confusion doesn't mean you are falling apart or freaking out. It just means you are new to the path of recovery. You want to face things and you know this is the way forward, but when you let down the defenses everything comes flooding at you from every side at once.

I think we all get hit that way at some early point; I know I did. The stress of it all does ease after awhile, so in a way it's a stage. It hurts so bad because at this point you still may not have much of a reserve of confidence to fall back on. It just takes time.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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