I am 12,
and I break my father’s ruler.
Brother says “You know what he’ll do…
IF he finds out.”
I can’t speak
because I do know what he’ll do,
I think of his belt.
Brother knows he has me,
“Come here.”
I lay down, face down,
tears puddling in my eyes,
and he is on me.
I look at the sheets,
and see the pattern of tiny flowers,
pretty flowers.
My eyes close,
and I’m laying in flowers,
tiny, pretty flowers.
I feel his weight,
on me, over me,
in me.
His concentration,
his breath, his sounds,
and finally his completion.
I don’t speak,
he doesn’t speak.
I take the ruler
and throw it far under the house.
My father never finds his ruler.

So many times I have no good words, Eddie. I sort of become the kid and feel what he is feeling. I think it's the reality of it that so many of us shared....the part of our lives thing. It was a part of how we lived and there was no way we were going to change it. We were powerless and so we did what we had to do and dealt with it the best way we could. What stoic little guys we were. How brave we were in our own ways. How much anguish were we storing up that we would need to deal with in the future?
I'm so sorry for this little guy. I feel so helpless for him. No chance of rescue. No chance to get away, except that he does get away a little in the flowers. You were a brave little boy, Eddie. Still are. I'm so sorry that these things happened to you. And oh how I wish our memories could somehow just fade away. Bobby

Eddie,

What I find so reprehensible in your post is the reason you had to put up with that. It was because you feared your father. How much better would it have been for you if he had been someone you could look to for guidance, protection, education about life, and love. It just blows me away that we became victims, not because of our own failing, but because of the gross ignorance, incompetency, and cruelty of those who were supposed to nurture and protect us.

Others here became victims of fate. They were in the wrong place at the wrong time, etc. We, on the other hand, were set up for it by our own parents, and then punished because of it.

I hear you, Eddie. I'd climb through the screen and give you a big hug if I could. You have become a giant of a man in my eyes in spite of your childhood.

Love you, Bro.

John

Thank you, Bobby and John. I appreciate you very much. I used a lot of Klennex over this last night and this morning. I know you understand it all, and that helps me. It's helpful to be heard and understood.

Eddie,

That was a brave post my friend. I will just say one thing and that's a question: Can you see how defenseless you were against this incredible evil? If it had been my in your situation I know I would have succumbed as well. You were just a kid.

Much love,
Larry

Larry,

Yes, I can, and I think that is why I was such an emotional mess last night afterwards and into this morning as well. It just all hit me hard in the realization as Bobby noted that "We were powerless and so we did what we had to do and dealt with it the best way we could." And all for what? A fucking ruler of all things. It seems so absurd at times, but that's how it was. Nothing made sense and there I was faced with a choice no boy should have to make.

Eddie,

What makes your brother's actions so cruel and terrible is the fact that he was able to USE the ruler and USE you:

This isn't about the ruler: it's about lack of affection and love, exploitation, powerlessness, fear of violence and disapproval, being made to feel worthless and guilty for every damn thing...all for the sake of a stick.

Again, it all goes to show how horribly a child can be misused and exploited. This is what "defenseless" is all about.

Much love bro,
Larry

You're right, Larry. It's about all of that. It indicates how insignificant I was in the larger scheme of things, and this particular event was really a general summation of all that. Classic example of extreme measures for such an inconsequential matter. I think the thing that pains me so much about it is the resignation I felt in having to make the choice.

Eddie,

I'm very glad I have been able to come back to this one. Being away, I am a bit chaotic on the DB right now.

In actual fact, bro, my point is the opposite. You were EVERYTHING in this incident - the focus of all that was happening. Everything that you SHOYLD have had, everything that you had every right to depend on, was denied to you.

If you had been insignificant, well, then what the hell. But you were a precious little kid, important beyond any calculation.

That's the tragedy of your poem.

Much love,
Larry

Eddie,

I get a feeling hopelessness from this writing, and it just kills me. The exploitation makes me furious! You sure as hell didn't deserve that.

Andy